to me a complete
solution for all the problems that life presents -
even as to the very death itself.
Only the
unwelcomereflection that this was impossible made me get
up at last with a sigh of deep grief at the end of the dream. But
I got up without
despair. She didn't murmur, she didn't stir.
There was something
august in the
stillness of the room. It was a
strange peace which she shared with me in this
unexpected shelter
full of
disorder in its neglected splendour. What troubled me was
the sudden, as it were material,
consciousness of time passing as
water flows. It seemed to me that it was only the tenacity of my
sentiment that held that woman's body,
extended and
tranquil above
the flood. But when I ventured at last to look at her face I saw
her flushed, her teeth clenched - it was
visible - her nostrils
dilated, and in her narrow, level-glancing eyes a look of inward
and frightened
ecstasy. The edges of the fur coat had fallen open
and I was moved to turn away. I had the same
impression as on the
evening we parted that something had happened which I did not
understand; only this time I had not touched her at all. I really
didn't understand. At the slightest
whisper I would now have gone
out without a murmur, as though that
emotion had given her the
right to be obeyed. But there was no
whisper; and for a long time
I stood leaning on my arm, looking into the fire and feeling
distinctly between the four walls of that locked room the unchecked
time flow past our two stranded personalities.
And suddenly she spoke. She spoke in that voice that was so
profoundly moving without ever being sad, a little
wistful perhaps
and always the
supreme expression of her grace. She asked as if
nothing had happened:
"What are you thinking of, amigo?"
I turned about. She was lying on her side,
tranquil above the
smooth flow of time, again closely wrapped up in her fur, her head
resting on the old-gold sofa
cushionbearing like everything else
in that room the decoratively enlaced letters of her monogram; her
face a little pale now, with the
crimson lobe of her ear under the
tawny mist of her loose hair, the lips a little parted, and her
glance of melted
sapphire level and
motionless, darkened by
fatigue.
"Can I think of anything but you?" I murmured,
taking a seat near
the foot of the couch. "Or rather it isn't thinking, it is more
like the
consciousness of you always being present in me, complete
to the last hair, to the faintest shade of expression, and that not
only when we are apart but when we are together, alone, as close as
this. I see you now lying on this couch but that is only the
insensible
phantom of the real you that is in me. And it is the
easier for me to feel this because that image which others see and
call by your name - how am I to know that it is anything else but
an enchanting mist? You have always eluded me except in one or two
moments which seem still more dream-like than the rest. Since I
came into this room you have done nothing to destroy my conviction
of your unreality apart from myself. You haven't offered me your
hand to touch. Is it because you
suspect that apart from me you
are but a mere
phantom, and that you fear to put it to the test?"
One of her hands was under the fur and the other under her cheek.
She made no sound. She didn't offer to stir. She didn't move her
eyes, not even after I had added after
waiting for a while,
"Just what I expected. You are a cold illusion."
She smiled
mysteriously, right away from me, straight at the fire,
and that was all.
CHAPTER VI
I had a
momentarysuspicion that I had said something
stupid. Her
smile
amongst many other things seemed to have meant that, too.
And I answered it with a certain resignation:
"Well, I don't know that you are so much mist. I remember once
hanging on to you like a drowning man . . . But perhaps I had
better not speak of this. It wasn't so very long ago, and you may
. . . "
"I don't mind. Well . . ."