you tell some comic story, perhaps one of those you have yourself
heard at table, either in Aesop's style or in that of Sybaris;
everyone laughs and the trouble is ended.
PHILOCLEON
Faith! it's worth while
learning many stories then, if you are
thus not punished for the ill you do. But come, no more delay!
(They go out.)
CHORUS (singing)
More than once have I given proof of
cunning and never of
stupidity, but how much more clever is Amynias, the son of Sellus
and of the race of forelock-wearers; him we saw one day coming to dine
with Leogaras, bringing as his share one apple and a pomegranate,
and bear in mind he was as hungry as Antiphon. He went on an embassy
to Pharsalus, and there he lived
solely among the Thessalian
mercenaries; indeed, is he not the vilest of mercenaries himself?
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Oh!
blessed, oh!
fortunate Automenes, how enviable is your
fortune! You have three sons, the most
industrious in the world; one
is the friend of all, a very able man, the first among the
lyre-players, the favourite of the Graces. The second is an actor, and
his
talent is beyond all praise. As for Ariphrades, he is by far the
most
gifted; his father would swear to me, that without any master
whatever and
solely through the
spontaneous effort of his happy
nature, he taught himself to exercise his tongue in the whorehouses,
where he spends the whole of his time.
Some have said that I and Cleon were
reconciled. This is the truth
of the matter: Cleon was harassing me, persecuting and belabouring
me in every way; and, when I was being fleeced, the public laughed
at
seeing me uttering such loud cries; not that they cared about me,
but simply curious to know whether, when trodden down by my enemy, I
would not hurl at him some taunt. Noticing this, I have played the
wheedler a bit; but now, look! the prop is deceiving the vine!
(XANTHIAS enters,
weeping and wailing and rubbing his sides.)
XANTHIAS
Oh! tortoises! happy to have so hard a skin! Oh! creatures full of
sense! what a happy thought to cover your bodies with this shell,
which shields it from blows! As for me, I can no longer move; the
stick has so belaboured my body.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Why, what's the matter, my child? for, old as he may be, one has
the right to call anyone a child who has let himself be beaten.
XANTHIAS
Alas! my master is really the worst of all plagues. He was the
most drunk of all the guests, and yet among them were Hippyllus,
Antiphon, Lycon, Lysistratus, Theophrastus and Phrynichus. But he
was hundred times more
insolent than any. As soon as he had stuffed
himself with a host of good dishes, he began to leap and spring, to
laugh and to fart like a little ass well stuffed with
barley. Then
he set to
beating me with all his heart, shouting, "Slave! slave!"
Lysistratus, as soon as he saw him, let fly this
comparison at him.
"Old fellow," said he, "you
resemble one of the scum assuming the airs
of a rich man or a
stupid ass that has broken loose from its
stable." "As for you," bawled the other at the top of his voice,
"you are like a
grasshopper, whose cloak is worn to the thread, or
like Sthenelus after his clothes had been sold." All applauded
excepting Theophrastus, who made a grimace as behoved a well-bred
man like him. The old man called to him, "Hi! tell me then what you
have to be proud of? Not so much mouthing, you, who so well know how
to play the buffoon and to lick-spittle the rich!" In this way he
insulted each in turn with the grossest of jests, and he reeled off
a thousand of the most
absurd and
ridiculous speeches. At last, when
he was
thoroughly drunk, he started towards here,
strikingeveryone he
met. Wait, here he comes reeling along. I will be off for fear of
his blows.
(PHILOCLEON enters, inebriated and hilarious, carrying a torch;
his other hand is occupied with a
wholly nude flute-girl; he is
followed by a group of angry victims of his exuberance.)
PHILOCLEON (singing)
Halt! and let
everyone begone, or I shall do an evil turn to
some of those who insist on following me. Clear off,
rascals, or I
shall roast you with this torch!
GUEST
We shall all make you smart to-morrow for your
youthful pranks. We
shall come in a body to
summon you to justice.
PHILOCLEON (singing)
Ho! ho!
summon me? what old women's babble! Know that I can no
longer bear to hear even the name of suits. Ha! ha! ha! this is what
pleases me, "Down with the urns!" Get out of here! Down with the
dicasts! away with them, away with them!
(Dropping into speech; to the flute-girl)
Mount up there, my little gilded cock-chafer; take hold of this
rope's end in your hand. Hold it tight, but have a care; the rope's
a bit old and worn. But even though it's worn, it still has its
virtues. Do you see how opportunely I got you away from the
solicitations of those fellators, who wanted you to make love to
them in their own odd way? You
therefore owe me this return to gratify
me. But will you pay the debt? Oh! I know well you will not even
try; you will play with me, you will laugh
heartily at me as you
have done at many another man. And yet, if you would not be a
naughty girl, I would
redeem you, when my son is dead, and you
should be my concubine, my little one. At present I am not my own
master; I am very young and am watched very closely. My dear son never
lets me out of his sight; he's an
unbearable creature, who would
quarter a thread and skin a flint; he is afraid I should get lost, for
I am his only father. But here he comes
running towards us. But be
quick, don't stir, hold these torches. I am going to play him a
young man's trick, the same as he played me before I was initiated
into the mysteries.
BDELYCLEON
Oh! oh! you debauched old dotard! you are amorous, it seems, of
pretty baggages; but, by Apollo, it shall not be with impunity!
PHILOCLEON
Ah! you would be very glad to eat a lawsuit in
vinegar, you would.
BDELYCLEON
Only a
rascal would steal the flute-girl away from the other
guests.
PHILOCLEON
What flute-girl? Are you distraught, as if you had just returned
from Pluto?
BDELYCLEON
By Zeus! But here is the Dardanian wench in person.
PHILOCLEON
Nonsense. This is a torch that I have lit in the public square
in honour of the gods.
BDELYCLEON
Is this a torch?
PHILOCLEON
A torch? Certainly. Do you not see it is of several different
colours?
DELYCLEON
And what is that black part in the middle?
PHILOCLEON
That's the pitch
running out while it burns.
BDELYCLEON
And there, on the other side, surely that is a girl's bottom?
PHILOCLEON
No. That's just a small bit of the torch, that projects.
BDELYCLEON
What do you mean? what bit? Hi! you woman! come here!
PHILOCLEON
Oh! What do you want to do?
BDELYCLEON
To take her away from you and lead her off. You are too much
worn out and can do nothing.
(He takes the girl into the house.)
PHILOCLEON
Listen to me! One day, at Olympia, I saw Euphudion boxing
bravely against Ascondas; he was already aged, and yet with a blow
from his fist he knocked down his young
opponent. So watch out that
I don't
blacken your eves.
BDELYCLEON (who has returned)
By Zeus! you have Olympia at your finger-ends!
(A BAKER'S WIFE enters with an empty basket; she brings CHAEREPHON
with her as
witness.)
BAKER'S WIFE (to CHAEREPHON)
Come to my help, I beg you, in the name of the gods! This cursed
man, when
striking out right and left with his torch, knocked over ten
loaves worth an obolus
apiece, and then, to cap the deal, four others.
BDELYCLEON
Do you see what lawsuits you are
drawing upon yourself with your
drunkenness? You will have to plead.
PHILOCLEON
Oh, no, no! a little pretty talk and pleasant tales will soon
settle the matter and
reconcile her with me. Not so, by the
goddesses twain! It shall not be said that you have with impunity
spoilt the wares of Myrtia, the daughter of Ancylion and Sostrate.
PHILOCLEON
Listen, woman, I wish to tell you a lovely anecdote.
BAKER'S WIFE
By Zeus, no anecdotes for me, thank you.
PHILOCLEON
One night Aesop was going out to supper. A
drunken bitch had the
impudence to bark near him. Aesop said to her, "Oh, bitch, bitch!
you would do well to sell your
wicked tongue and buy some wheat."
BAKER'S WIFE
You make a mock of me! Very well! I don't care who you are, I
shall
summons you before the market inspectors for damage done to my
business. Chaerephon here shall be my
witness.
PHILOCLEON
But just listen, here's another will perhaps please you better.
Lasus and Simonides were contesting against each other for the singing
prize. Lasus said, "Damned if I care."
BAKER'S WIFE
Ah! really, did he now!
PHILOCLEON
As for you, Chaerephon, can you be
witness to this woman, who
looks as pale and
tragic as Ino when she throws herself from her
rock...at the feet of Euripides?
(The BAKER'S WIFE and CHAEREPHON depart.)
BDELYCLEON
Here, I suppose, comes another to
summons you; he has his
witness too. Ah!
unhappy indeed we are!
(A badly bruised man enters.)
ACCUSER
I
summons you, old man, for
outrage.
BDELYCLEON
For
outrage? Oh! in the name of the gods, do not
summons him! I
will be answerable for him; name the price and I will be more more
grateful still.
PHILOCLEON
I ask for nothing better than to be
reconciled with him; for I
admit I struck him and threw stones at him. So, first come here.
Will you leave it in my hands to name the
indemnity I must pay, if I
promise you my friendship as well, or will you fix it yourself?
ACCUSER
Fix it; I like neither lawsuits nor disputes.
PHILOCLEON
A man of Sybaris fell from his
chariot and wounded his head most
severely; he was a very poor driver. One of his friends came up to him
and said, "Every man to his trade." Well then, go you to Pittalus to
get mended.