420 BC
THE WASPS
by Aristophanes
anonymous translator
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
PHILOCLEON
BDELYCLEON, his Son
SOSIAS, Slave of Philocleon
XANTHIAS, Slave of Philocleon
BOYS
DOGS
A GUEST
A BAKER'S WIFE
AN ACCUSER
CHORUS OF WASPS
WASPS
(SCENE:-In the
background is the house of PHILOCLEON, surrounded
by a huge net. Two slaves are on guard, one of them asleep. On the
roof is BDELYCLEON.)
SOSIAS (waking XANTHIAS UP)
Why, Xanthias! what are you doing,
wretched man?
XANTHIAS
I am teaching myself how to rest; I have been awake and on watch
the whole night.
SOSIAS
So you want to earn trouble for your ribs, eh? Don't you know what
sort of animal we are guarding here?
XANTHIAS
Aye indeed! but I want to put my cares to sleep for a while.
(He falls asleep again.)
SOSIAS
Beware what you do. I too feel soft sleep spreading over my eyes,
XANTHIAS.
Are you crazy, like a Corybant?
SOSIAS
No! It's Bacchus who lulls me off.
XANTHIAS
Then you serve the same god as myself. just now a heavy
slumbersettled on my eyelids like a
hostile Mede; I nodded and, faith! I
had a
wondrous dream.
SOSIAS
Indeed! and so had I. A dream such as I never had before. But
first tell me yours.
XANTHIAS
I saw an eagle, a
gigantic bird,
descend upon the market-place; it
seized a
brazen buckler with its talons and bore it away into the
highest heavens; then I saw it was Cleonymus had thrown it away.
SOSIAS
This Cleonymus is a
riddle worth propounding among guests. How can
one and the same animal have cast away his buckler both on land, in
the sky and at sea?
XANTHIAS
Alas! what ill does such a dream portend for me?
SOSIAS
Rest undisturbed! Please the gods, no evil will
befall you.
XANTHIAS
Nevertheless, it's a fatal omen when a man throws away his
weapons. But what was your dream? Let me hear.
SOSIAS
Oh! it is a dream of high
import. It has
reference to the hull
of the State; to nothing less.
XANTHIAS
Tell it to me quickly; show me its very keel.
SOSIAS
In my first
slumber I thought I saw sheep, wearing cloaks and
carrying staves, met in
assembly on the Pnyx; a rapacious whale was
haranguing them and screaming like a pig that is being grilled.
XANTHIAS
Faugh! faugh!
SOSIAS
What's the matter?
XANTHIAS
Enough, enough, spare me. Your dream stinks vilely of old leather.
SOSIAS
Then this scoundrelly whale seized a balance and set to weighing
ox-fat.
XANTHIAS
Alas! it's our poor Athenian people, whom this
accursed beast
wishes to cut up and despoil of their fat.
SOSIAS
Seated on the ground close to it, I saw Theorus, who had the
head of crow. Then Alcibiades said to me in his lisping way, "Do you
thee? Theoruth hath a crow'th head."
XANTHIAS
Ah! that's very well lisped indeed!
SOSIAS
Isn't this
mighty strange? Theorus turning into a crow!
XANTHIAS
No, it is glorious.
SOSIAS
Why?
XANTHIAS
Why? He was a man and now he has suddenly become a crow; does it
not foretoken that he will take his
flight from here and go to the
crows?
SOSIAS
Interpreting dreams so aptly certainly is worth two obols.
XANTHIAS (turning to the audience)
Come, I must explain the matter to the spectators. But first a few
words of preamble: expect nothing very high-flown from us, nor any
jests
stolen from Megara; we have no slaves, who throw baskets of nuts
to the spectators, nor any Heracles to be robbed of his dinner, nor
does Euripides get loaded with contumely; and
despite the happy chance
that gave Cleon his fame we shall not go out of our way to belabour
him again, Our little subject is not
wanting in sense; it is well
within your
capacity and at the same time cleverer than many vulgar
comedies.-We have a master of great
renown, who is now
sleeping up
there on the other story. He has bidden us keep guard over his father,
whom he has locked in, so. that he may not go out. This father has a
curious
complaint; not one of you could hit upon or guess it, if I did
not tell you.-Well then, try! I hear Amynias, the son of Pronapus,
over there,
saying, "He is addicted to gambling." He's wrong! He is
imputing his own
malady to others. Yet love is indeed the principal
part of his disease. Ah! here Sosias is telling Dercylus, "He loves
drinking." Wrong again! the love of wine is a good man's failing.
"Well then," says Nicostratus of the Scambonian deme, "he either loves
sacrifices or else strangers." God no! he is not fond of strangers,
Nicostratus, for he who says "Philoxenus" means a pederast, It's
mere waste of time, you will not find it out. If you want to know
it, keep silence! I will tell your our master's
complaint; of all men,
it is he who is fondest of the Heliaea. Thus, to be judging is his
hobby, and he groans if he is not sitting on the first seat. He does
not close an eye at night, and if he dozes off for an
instant his mind
flies
instantly to the clepsydra. He is so accustomed to hold the
balloting
pebble, that he awakes with his three fingers pinched
together as if he were
offeringincense to the new moon. If he sees
scribbled on some
doorway, "How
charming is Demos, the son of
Pyrilampes!" he will write beneath it, "How
charming is Cemos!" His
cock crowed one evening; said he, "He has had money from the accused
to
awaken me too late. As soon as he rises from supper he bawls for
his shoes and away he rushes down there before dawn to sleep
beforehand, glued fast to the
column like an
oyster. He is a merciless
judge, never failing to draw the convicting line and return home
with his nails full of wax like a bumble-bee. Fearing he might run
short of
pebbles he keeps enough at home to cover a sea-beach, so that
he may have the means of recording his
sentence. Such is his
madness, and all advice is
useless; he only judges the more each
day. So we keep him under lock and key, to prevent his going out;
for his son is broken-hearted over this mania. At first he tried him
with
gentleness, wanted to
persuade him to wear the cloak no longer,
to go out no more;
unable to
convince him, he had him bathed and
purified according to the
ritual without any greater success, and then
handed him over to the Corybantes; but the old man escaped them, and
carrying off the kettledrum, rushed right into the midst of the
Heliasts. As Cybele could do nothing with her rites, his son took
him to Aegina and
forcibly made him lie one night in the
temple of
Asclepius, the God of Healing, but before
daylight there he was to
be seen at the gate of the
tribunal. Since then we let him go out no
more, but he escaped us by the drains or by the skylight, so we
stuffed up every
opening with old rags and made all secure; then he
drove short sticks into the wall and
sprang from rung to rung like a
magpie. Now we have stretched-nets all around the court and we keep
watch and ward. The old man's name is Philocleon, it's the best name
he could have, and the son is called Edelycleon, for he is a man
very fit to cure an
insolent fellow of his boasting.
BDELYCLEON (from the roof)
Xanthias! Sosias! Are you asleep?
XANTHIAS
Alas!
SOSIAS
What is the matter?
XANTHIAS
Why, Bdelycleon is getting up.
BDELYCLEON
Will neither of you come here? My father has got into the
stove-chamber and is ferreting about like a rat in his hole. Take care
he does not escape through the bath drain. You there, put all your
weight against the door.
XANTHIAS
Yes, master.
BDELYCLEON
By Zeus! what is that noise in the chimney? Hullo! who are you?
PHILOCLEON (poking his head out of the chimney)
I am the smoke going up.
BDELYCLEON
Smoke? smoke of what wood?
PHILOCLEON
Of fig-wood.
BDELYCLEON
Ah! that's the most acrid of all. But you shall not get out. Where
is the chimney cover? Come down again. Now, up with another cross-bar.
Now look out for some fresh dodge. But am I not the most unfortunate
of men? Henceforward I shall only be called the son of Capnius.
XANTHIAS
He is pushing the door.
BDELYCLEON
Throw your weight upon it, come, put heart into the work. I will
come and help you. Watch both lock and bolt. Take care he does not
gnaw through the peg.
PHILOCLEON (from within)
What are you doing, you wretches? Let me go out; it is
imperative that I go and judge, or Dracontides will be acquitted.
XANTHIAS
Would you mind that?
PHILOCLEON
Once at Delphi, the god, whom I was consulting,
foretold, that
if an accused man escaped me, I should die of consumption.
XANTHIAS
Apollo the Saviour, what a prophecy!
PHILOCLEON
Ah! I
beseech you, if you do not want my death, let me go.