DIONYSUS
Aye, but he's
speaking to the dead, you knave,
Who cannot hear us though we call them
thrice.
AESCHYLUS
And how do you make your
prologues?
EURIPIDES
You shall hear;
And if you find one single thing said twice,
Or any
useless padding, spit upon me.
DIONYSUS
Well, fire away: I'm all agog to hear
Your very
accurate and
faultlessprologues.
EURIPIDES
"A happy man was Oedipus at first-
AESCHYLUS
Not so, by Zeus; a most
unhappy man.
Who, not yet born nor yet conceived, Apollo
Foretold would be his father's murderer.
How could he be a happy man at first?
EURIPIDES
"Then he became the wretchedest of men."
AESCHYLUS
Not so, by Zeus; he never ceased to be.
No sooner born, than they exposed the babe,
(And that in winter), in an
earthen crock,
Lest he should grow a man, and slay his father.
Then with both ankles pierced and swoln, he limped
Away to Polybus: still young, he married
An ancient crone, and her his mother too.
Then scratched out both his eyes.
DIONYSUS
Happy indeed
Had he been Erasinides's colleague!
EURIPIDES
Nonsense; I say my
prologues are firstrate.
AESCHYLUS
Nay then, by Zeus, no longer line by line
I'll maul your phrases: but with heaven to aid
I'll smash your
prologues with a bottle of oil.
EURIPIDES
You mine with a bottle of oil?
AESCHYLUS
With only one.
You frame your
prologues so that each and all
Fit in with a "bottle of oil," or "coverlet-skin,"
Or "reticule-bag." I'll prove it here, and now.
EURIPIDES
You'll prove it? You?
AESCHYLUS
I will.
DIONYSUS
Well then, begin.
EURIPIDES
"Aegyptus, sailing with his fifty sons,
As ancient legends
mostly tell the tale,
Touching at Argos"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
EURIPIDES
Hang it, what's that? Confound that bottle of oil!
Give him another: let him try again.
EURIPIDES
"Bacchus, who, clad in fawnskins, leaps and bounds
torch and thyrsus in the choral dance along Parnassus"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
DIONYSUS
Ah me, we are stricken-with that bottle again!
Pooh, pooh, that's nothing. I've a
prologueHe'll never tack his bottle of oil to this:
"No man is blest in every single thing.
One is of noble birth, but
lacking means.
Another, baseborn,"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
DIONYSUS
Euripides!
EURIPIDES
Well?
DIONYSUS
Lower your sails, my boy;
This bottle of is going to blow a gale.
EURIPIDES
O, by Demeter, I care one bit;
Now from his hands I'll strike that bottle of oil.
DIONYSUS
Go on then, go: but ware the bottle of oil.
EURIPIDES
"Once Cadmus, quitting the Sidonian town, Agenor's offspring"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
DIONYSUS
O pray, my man, buy off that bottle of oil,
Or else he'll smash our
prologues all to bits.
EURIPIDES
I buy of him?
DIONYSUS
If my advice you'll take.
EURIPIDES
No, no, I've many a
prologue yet to say,
To which he can't tack on his bottle of oil.
"Pelops, the son of Tantalus, while driving
His mares to Pisa"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
DIONYSUS
There! he tacked on the bottle of oil again.
O for heaven's sake, pay him its price, dear boy;
You'll get it for an obol, spick and span.
EURIPIDES
Not yet, by Zeus; I've plenty of
prologues left.
"Oeneus once reaping"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
EURIPIDES
Pray let me finish one entire line first.
"Oeneus once reaping an
abundant harvest,
Offering the firstfruits"
AESCHYLUS
Lost his bottle of oil.
DIONYSUS
What, in the act of
offering? Fie! Who stole it?
EURIPIDES
O don't keep bothering! Let him try with
"Zeus, as by Truth's own voice the tale is told,"
DIONYSUS
No, he'll cut in with "Lost his bottle of oil" bottle
Those bottles of oil on all your
prologues seem
To gather and grow, like styes upon the eye.
Turn to his melodies now for goodness' sake.
EURIPIDES
O I can easily show that he's a poor
Melody-maker; makes all alike.
CHORUS
What, O what will be done!
Strange to think that he dare
Blame the bard who has won,
More than all in our days,
Fame and praise for his lays,
Lays so many and fair.
Much I
marvel to hear
What the
charge he will bring
'Gainst our
tragedy king;
Yea for himself do fear.
EURIPIDES
Wonderful lays! O yes, you'll see directly.
I'll cut down all his metrical strains to one.
DIONYSUS
And I, I'll take some pebbles, and keep count.
A slight pause, during which the music of a flute is heard. The
music continues to the end of line [EURIPIDES-Hush! the bee...] as
an
accompaniment to the recitative.
EURIPIDES
"Lord of Phthia, Achilles, why
hearing the
voice of the hero-dividing
Hah! smiting! approachest thou not to the rescue?
We, by the lake who abide, are adoring our
ancestor Hermes.
Hah! smiting! approachest thou not to the rescue?"
DIONYSUS
O Aeschylus, twice art thou
smitten I
EURIPIDES
"Hearken to me, great king; yea, hearken
Atreides, thou noblest of the Achaeans.
Hah! smiting! approachest thou not to the rescue?
DIONYSUS
Thrice, Aeschylus,
thrice art thou
smitten!
EURIPIDES
"Hush! the bee-wardens are here: they will
quickly the Temple of Artemis open.
Hah! smiting! approachest thou not to the rescue?
I will expound (for I know it) the omen the
chieftains encountered.
Hah! smiting! approachest thou not to the rescue?"
DIONYSUS
O Zeus and King, the terrible lot of smittings!
I'll to the bath: I'm very sure my kidneys
Are quite inflamed and swoln with all these smitings.
EURIPIDES
Wait till you've heard another batch of lays
Culled from his lyre-accompanied melodies.
DIONYSUS
Go on then, go: but no more smitings, please.
EURIPIDES
"How the twin-throned powers of Achaea,
the lords of the
mighty Hellenes.
O phlattothrattophlattothrat!
Sendeth the Sphinx, the unchancy, the chieftainness bloodhound.
O phlattothrattophlattothratt
launcheth
fierce with brand and hand the avengers
the terrible eagle.
O phlattothrattophlattothrat!
So for the swift-winged hounds of the air he provided a booty.
O phlattothrattophlattothrat!
The
throng down-bearing on Aias.
O phlattothrattophlattotbrat!"
DIONYSUS
Whence comes that phlattothrat?
From Marathon, or
Where picked you up these cable-twister's strains?
AESCHYLUS
From noblest source for noblest ends brought them,