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jewels to town, and bring nothing but paste and marcasites back.

MISS NEVILLE. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be
nameless would like me best with all my little finery about me?

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Consult your glass, my dear, and then see if, with
such a pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think,

Tony, my dear? does your cousin Con. want any jewels in your eyes to
set off her beauty?

TONY. That's as thereafter may be.
MISS NEVILLE. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. A parcel of old-fashioned rose and table-cut things.
They would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a

puppet-show. Besides, I believe, I can't readily come at them. They
may be missing, for aught I know to the contrary.

TONY. (Apart to MRS. HARDCASTLE.) Then why don't you tell her so at
once, as she's so longing for them? Tell her they're lost. It's the

only way to quiet her. Say they're lost, and call me to bear witness.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Apart to TONY.) You know, my dear, I'm only

keeping them for you. So if I say they're gone, you'll bear me
witness, will you? He! he! he!

TONY. Never fear me. Ecod! I'll say I saw them taken out with my own
eyes.

MISS NEVILLE. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be
permitted to show them as relics, and then they may be locked up

again.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could

find them you should have them. They're missing, I assure you. Lost,
for aught I know; but we must have patiencewherever they are.

MISS NEVILLE. I'll not believe it! this is but a shallowpretence to
deny me. I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as

you are to answer for the loss--
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Don't be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must

restore an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to
be found.

TONY. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be
found; I'll take my oath on't.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we
lose our fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how

calm I am.
MISS NEVILLE. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of

others.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a

thought upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean
time you shall make use of my garnets till your jewels be found.

MISS NEVILLE. I detest garnets.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. The most becoming things in the world to set off a

clear complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You
SHALL have them. [Exit.]

MISS NEVILLE. I dislike them of all things. You shan't stir.--Was
ever anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels, and force me to

wear her trumpery?
TONY. Don't be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you

can get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of
her bureau, and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he'll tell

you more of the matter. Leave me to manage her.
MISS NEVILLE. My dear cousin!

TONY. Vanish. She's here, and has missed them already. [Exit MISS
NEVILLE.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherine

wheel.
Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated,
plundered, broke open, undone.

TONY. What's the matter, what's the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has
happened to any of the good family!

MRS. HARDCASTLE. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, the
jewels taken out, and I'm undone.

TONY. Oh! is that all? Ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it
acted better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest,

ha! ha! ha!
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Why, boy, I AM ruined in earnest. My bureau has been

broken open, and all taken away.
TONY. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I'll bear witness,

you know; call me to bear witness.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. I tell you, Tony, by all that's precious, the jewels

are gone, and I shall be ruined for ever.
TONY. Sure I know they're gone, and I'm to say so.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They're gone, I say.
TONY. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I know

who took them well enough, ha! ha! ha!
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can't tell the

difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I'm not in jest,
booby.

TONY. That's right, that's right; you must be in a bitter passion, and
then nobody will suspect either of us. I'll bear witness that they are

gone.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Was there ever such a cross-grained brute, that

won't hear me? Can you bear witness that you're no better than a
fool? Was ever poor woman so beset with fools on one hand, and

thieves on the other?
TONY. I can bear witness to that.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I'll turn
you out of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her?

Do you laugh, you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress?
TONY. I can bear witness to that.

MRS. HARDCASTLE. Do you insult me, monster? I'll teach you to vex
your mother, I will.

TONY. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him.]
Enter Miss HARDCASTLE and Maid.

MISS HARDCASTLE. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of
mine, to send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don't wonder at

his impudence.
MAID. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by

in your present dress, asked me if you were the bar-maid. He mistook
you for the bar-maid, madam.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Did he? Then as I live, I'm resolved to keep up the
delusion. Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don't

you think I look something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem?
MAID. It's the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but

when she visits or receives company.
MISS HARDCASTLE. And are you sure he does not remember my face or

person?
MAID. Certain of it.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for some
time together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up

during the interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him
from seeing me.

MAID. But what do you hope from keeping him in his mistake?
MISS HARDCASTLE. In the first place I shall be seen, and that is no

small advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall
perhaps make an acquaintance, and that's no small victory gained over

one who never addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief
aim is, to take my gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible

champion of romance, examine the giant's force before I offer to
combat.

MAID. But you are sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice
so that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person?

MISS HARDCASTLE. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar
cant--Did your honour call?--Attend the Lion there--Pipes and tobacco

for the Angel.--The Lamb has been outrageous this half-hour.
MAID. It will do, madam. But he's here. [Exit MAID.]

Enter MARLOW.
MARLOW. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a

moment's repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and
his story: if I fly to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her

curtsey down to the ground. I have at last got a moment to myself, and
now for recollection. [Walks and muses.]

MISS HARDCASTLE. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call?
MARLOW. (Musing.) As for Miss Hardcastle, she's too grave and

sentimental for me.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Did your honour call? (She still places herself

before him, he turning away.)
MARLOW. No, child. (Musing.) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her,

I think she squints.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure, sir, I heard the bell ring.

MARLOW. No, no. (Musing.) I have pleased my father, however, by
coming down, and I'll to-morrow please myself by returning. [Taking

out his tablets, and perusing.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir?

MARLOW. I tell you, no.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a

parcel of servants!
MARLOW. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face.) Yes, child, I

think I did call. I wanted--I wanted--I vow, child, you are vastly
handsome.

MISS HARDCASTLE. O la, sir, you'll make one ashamed.
MARLOW. Never saw a more sprightlymalicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear,

I did call. Have you got any of your--a--what d'ye call it in the
house?

MISS HARDCASTLE. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days.
MARLOW. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose.

Suppose I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of the
nectar of your lips; perhaps I might be disappointed in that too.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Nectar! nectar! That's a liquor there's no call for
in these parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir.

MARLOW. Of true English growth, I assure you.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Then it's odd I should not know it. We brew all

sorts of wines in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen
years.

MARLOW. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar
before you were born. How old are you?

MISS HARDCASTLE. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and
music should never be dated.

MARLOW. To guess at this distance, you can't be much above forty
(approaching). Yet, nearer, I don't think so much (approaching). By

coming close to some women they look younger still; but when we come
very close indeed--(attempting to kiss her).

MISS HARDCASTLE. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you
wanted to know one's age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth.

MARLOW. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at
this distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted?

MISS HARDCASTLE. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no
such acquaintance, not I. I'm sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle,

that was here awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I'll warrant
me, before her you looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and

talked, for all the world, as if you was before a justice of peace.
MARLOW. (Aside.) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her.) In

awe of her, child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no,
no. I find you don't know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; but

I was unwilling to be too severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse
me!

MISS HARDCASTLE. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the
ladies?

MARLOW. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don't see
what they find in me to follow. At the Ladies' Club in town I'm called

their agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one
I'm known by. My name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your

service. (Offering to salute her.)
MISS HARDCASTLE. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, not

to yourself. And you're so great a favourite there, you say?
MARLOW. Yes, my dear. There's Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the

Countess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your
humble servant, keep up the spirit of the place.



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