ha! ha! Pray, sir (bantering), as you take the house, what think you
of
taking the rest of the furniture? There's a pair of silver
candlesticks, and there's a fire-screen, and here's a pair of
brazen-nosed bellows; perhaps you may take a fancy to them?
MARLOW. Bring me your bill, sir; bring me your bill, and let's make no
more words about it.
HARDCASTLE. There are a set of prints, too. What think you of the
Rake's Progress, for your own apartment?
MARLOW. Bring me your bill, I say; and I'll leave you and your
infernal house directly.
HARDCASTLE. Then there's a
mahogany table that you may see your own
face in.
MARLOW. My bill, I say.
HARDCASTLE. I had forgot the great chair for your own particular
slumbers, after a
hearty meal.
MARLOW. Zounds! bring me my bill, I say, and let's hear no more on't.
HARDCASTLE. Young man, young man, from your father's letter to me, I
was taught to expect a well-bred
modest man as a
visitor here, but now
I find him no better than a coxcomb and a bully; but he will be down
here
presently, and shall hear more of it. [Exit.]
MARLOW. How's this? Sure I have not
mistaken the house. Everything
looks like an inn. The servants cry, coming; the attendance is
awkward; the bar-maid, too, to attend us. But she's here, and will
further inform me. Whither so fast, child? A word with you.
Enter MISS HARDCASTLE.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Let it be short, then. I'm in a hurry. (Aside.) I
believe be begins to find out his mistake. But it's too soon quite to
undeceive him.
MARLOW. Pray, child, answer me one question. What are you, and what
may your business in this house be?
MISS HARDCASTLE. A relation of the family, sir.
MARLOW. What, a poor relation.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Yes, sir. A poor relation, appointed to keep the
keys, and to see that the guests want nothing in my power to give them.
MARLOW. That is, you act as the bar-maid of this inn.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Inn! O law----what brought that in your head? One
of the best families in the country keep an inn--Ha! ha! ha! old Mr.
Hardcastle's house an inn!
MARLOW. Mr. Hardcastle's house! Is this Mr. Hardcastle's house,
child?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Ay, sure! Whose else should it be?
MARLOW. So then, all's out, and I have been damnably imposed on. O,
confound my
stupid head, I shall be laughed at over the whole town. I
shall be stuck up in caricatura in all the print-shops. The DULLISSIMO
MACCARONI. To mistake this house of all others for an inn, and my
father's old friend for an innkeeper! What a swaggering puppy must he
take me for! What a silly puppy do I find myself! There again, may I
be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the bar-maid.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Dear me! dear me! I'm sure there's nothing in my
BEHAVIOUR to put me on a level with one of that stamp.
MARLOW. Nothing, my dear, nothing. But I was in for a list of
blunders, and could not help making you a
subscriber. My
stupidity saw
everything the wrong way. I mistook your assiduity for
assurance, and
your
simplicity for
allurement. But it's over. This house I no more
show MY face in.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I hope, sir, I have done nothing to disoblige you.
I'm sure I should be sorry to
affront any gentleman who has been so
polite, and said so many civil things to me. I'm sure I should be
sorry (pretending to cry) if he left the family upon my
account. I'm
sure I should be sorry if people said anything amiss, since I have no
fortune but my character.
MARLOW. (Aside.) By Heaven! she weeps. This is the first mark of
tenderness I ever had from a
modest woman, and it touches me. (To
her.) Excuse me, my lovely girl; you are the only part of the family I
leave with
reluctance. But to be plain with you, the difference of our
birth, fortune, and education, makes an
honourable connexion
impossible; and I can never harbour a thought of seducing
simplicitythat trusted in my honour, of bringing ruin upon one whose only fault
was being too lovely.
MISS HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Generous man! I now begin to admire him.
(To him.) But I am sure my family is as good as Miss Hardcastle's; and
though I'm poor, that's no great
misfortune to a
contented mind; and,
until this moment, I never thought that it was bad to want fortune.
MARLOW. And why now, my pretty
simplicity?
MISS HARDCASTLE. Because it puts me at a distance from one that, if I
had a thousand pounds, I would give it all to.
MARLOW. (Aside.) This
simplicity bewitches me, so that if I stay, I'm
undone. I must make one bold effort, and leave her. (To her.) Your
partiality in my favour, my dear, touches me most sensibly: and were I
to live for myself alone, I could easily fix my choice. But I owe too
much to the opinion of the world, too much to the authority of a
father; so that--I can
scarcely speak it--it affects me. Farewell.
[Exit.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. I never knew half his merit till now. He shall not
go, if I have power or art to
detain him. I'll still
preserve the
character in which I STOOPED TO CONQUER; but will
undeceive my papa,
who perhaps may laugh him out of his
resolution. [Exit.]
Enter Tony and MISS NEVILLE.
TONY. Ay, you may steal for yourselves the next time. I have done my
duty. She has got the jewels again, that's a sure thing; but she
believes it was all a mistake of the servants.
MISS NEVILLE. But, my dear cousin, sure you won't
forsake us in this
distress? If she in the least
suspects that I am going off, I shall
certainly be locked up, or sent to my aunt Pedigree's, which is ten
times worse.
TONY. To be sure, aunts of all kinds are
damned bad things. But what
can I do? I have got you a pair of horses that will fly like
Whistle-jacket; and I'm sure you can't say but I have courted you
nicely before her face. Here she comes, we must court a bit or two
more, for fear she should
suspect us. [They
retire, and seem to
fondle.]
Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Well, I was greatly fluttered, to be sure. But my
son tells me it was all a mistake of the servants. I shan't be easy,
however, till they are fairly married, and then let her keep her own
fortune. But what do I see? fondling together, as I'm alive. I never
saw Tony so
sprightly before. Ah! have I caught you, my pretty doves?
What, billing, exchanging
stolen glances and broken murmurs? Ah!
TONY. As for murmurs, mother, we
grumble a little now and then, to be
sure. But there's no love lost between us.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. A mere sprinkling, Tony, upon the flame, only to make
it burn brighter.
MISS NEVILLE. Cousin Tony promises to give us more of his company at
home. Indeed, he shan't leave us any more. It won't leave us, cousin
Tony, will it?
TONY. O! it's a pretty creature. No, I'd sooner leave my horse in a
pound, than leave you when you smile upon one so. Your laugh makes you
so becoming.
MISS NEVILLE. Agreeable cousin! Who can help admiring that natural
humour, that pleasant, broad, red,
thoughtless (patting his cheek)--ah!
it's a bold face.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Pretty innocence!
TONY. I'm sure I always loved cousin Con.'s hazle eyes, and her
pretty long fingers, that she twists this way and that over the
haspicholls, like a
parcel of bobbins.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ah! he would charm the bird from the tree. I was
never so happy before. My boy takes after his father, poor Mr.
Lumpkin, exactly. The jewels, my dear Con., shall be yours
incontinently. You shall have them. Isn't he a sweet boy, my dear?
You shall be married to-morrow, and we'll put off the rest of his
education, like Dr. Drowsy's sermons, to a fitter opportunity.
Enter DIGGORY.
DIGGORY. Where's the 'squire? I have got a letter for your
worship.
TONY. Give it to my mamma. She reads all my letters first.
DIGGORY. I had orders to deliver it into your own hands.
TONY. Who does it come from?
DIGGORY. Your
worship mun ask that o' the letter itself.
TONY. I could wish to know though (turning the letter, and gazing on
it).
MISS NEVILLE. (Aside.) Undone! undone! A letter to him from
Hastings. I know the hand. If my aunt sees it, we are ruined for
ever. I'll keep her employed a little if I can. (To MRS.
HARDCASTLE.) But I have not told you, madam, of my cousin's smart
answer just now to Mr. Marlow. We so laughed.--You must know,
madam.--This way a little, for he must not hear us. [They confer.]
TONY. (Still gazing.) A
damned cramp piece of penmanship, as ever I
saw in my life. I can read your print hand very well. But here are
such handles, and shanks, and dashes, that one can
scarce tell the head
from the tail.--"To Anthony Lumpkin, Esquire." It's very odd, I can
read the outside of my letters, where my own name is, well enough; but
when I come to open it, it's all----buzz. That's hard, very hard; for
the inside of the letter is always the cream of the correspondence.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. Ha! ha! ha! Very well, very well. And so my son was
too hard for the philosopher.
MISS NEVILLE. Yes, madam; but you must hear the rest, madam. A
little more this way, or he may hear us. You'll hear how he puzzled
him again.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. He seems
strangely puzzled now himself, methinks.
TONY. (Still gazing.) A
damned up and down hand, as if it was
disguised in liquor.--(Reading.) Dear Sir,--ay, that's that. Then
there's an M, and a T, and an S, but whether the next be an izzard, or
an R,
confound me, I cannot tell.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. What's that, my dear? Can I give you any
assistance?
MISS NEVILLE. Pray, aunt, let me read it. Nobody reads a cramp hand
better than I. (Twitching the letter from him.) Do you know who it is
from?
TONY. Can't tell, except from Dick Ginger, the feeder.
MISS NEVILLE. Ay, so it is. (Pretending to read.) Dear 'Squire,
hoping that you're in health, as I am at this present. The gentlemen
of the Shake-bag club has cut the gentlemen of Goose-green quite out of
feather. The odds--um--odd battle--um--long fighting--um--here, here,
it's all about cocks and fighting; it's of no
consequence; here, put it
up, put it up. (Thrusting the crumpled letter upon him.)
TONY. But I tell you, miss, it's of all the
consequence in the world.
I would not lose the rest of it for a
guinea. Here, mother, do you
make it out. Of no
consequence! (Giving MRS. HARDCASTLE the letter.)
MRS. HARDCASTLE. How's this?--(Reads.) "Dear 'Squire, I'm now
waiting for Miss Neville, with a post-chaise and pair, at the bottom of
the garden, but I find my horses yet
unable to perform the journey. I
expect you'll
assist us with a pair of fresh horses, as you promised.
Dispatch is necessary, as the HAG (ay, the hag), your mother, will
otherwise
suspect us! Yours, Hastings." Grant me
patience. I shall
run distracted! My rage chokes me.
MISS NEVILLE. I hope, madam, you'll
suspend your
resentment for a few
moments, and not
impute to me any impertinence, or
sinister design,
that belongs to another.
MRS. HARDCASTLE. (Curtseying very low.) Fine
spoken, madam, you are
most miraculously
polite and engaging, and quite the very pink of
courtesy and circumspection, madam. (Changing her tone.) And you, you
great ill-fashioned oaf, with
scarce sense enough to keep your mouth
shut: were you, too, joined against me? But I'll defeat all your plots
in a moment. As for you, madam, since you have got a pair of fresh
horses ready, it would be cruel to
disappoint them. So, if you please,
instead of
running away with your spark, prepare, this very moment, to
run off with ME. Your old aunt Pedigree will keep you secure, I'll
warrant me. You too, sir, may mount your horse, and guard us upon the
way. Here, Thomas, Roger, Diggory! I'll show you, that I wish you
better than you do yourselves. [Exit.]
MISS NEVILLE. So now I'm completely ruined.
TONY. Ay, that's a sure thing.