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MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he?
HARDCASTLE. Very generous.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him.
HARDCASTLE. Young and brave.

MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure I shall like him.
HARDCASTLE. And very handsome.

MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he's
mine; I'll have him.

HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the most bashful and
reserved young fellows in all the world.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have frozen me to death again. That word
RESERVED has undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved

lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband.
HARDCASTLE. On the contrary, modesty seldom resides in a breast that

is not enriched with nobler virtues. It was the very feature in his
character that first struck me.

MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more striking features to catch me, I
promise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and so

everything as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll have
him.

HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an obstacle. It's more than
an even wager he may not have you.

MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you mortify one so?--Well, if
he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his indifference, I'll only

break my glass for its flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and
look out for some less difficult admirer.

HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I'll go prepare the
servants for his reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much

training as a company of recruits the first day's muster. [Exit.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa's puts me all in a

flutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost.
Sensible, good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved and

sheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't he be cured of his
timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can't

I--But I vow I'm disposing of the husband before I have secured the
lover.

Enter MISS NEVILLE.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me,

Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsical
about me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in face

to-day?
MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again--bless

me!--sure no accident has happened among the canary birds or the gold
fishes. Has your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the last

novel been too moving?
MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened--I

can scarce get it out--I have been threatened with a lover.
MISS NEVILLE. And his name--

MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow.
MISS NEVILLE. Indeed!

MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow.
MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my

admirer. They are never asunder. I believe you must have seen him
when we lived in town.

MISS HARDCASTLE. Never.
MISS NEVILLE. He's a very singularcharacter, I assure you. Among

women of reputation and virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his
acquaintance give him a very different character among creatures of

another stamp: you understand me.
MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd character indeed. I shall never be able to

manage him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust
to occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear?

has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual?
MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our agreeable

tete-a-tetes. She has been saying a hundred tender things, and setting
off her pretty monster as the very pink of perfection.

MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she actually thinks
him so. A fortune like yours is no small temptation. Besides, as she

has the sole management of it, I'm not surprised to see her unwilling
to let it go out of the family.

MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which chiefly consists in jewels,
is no such mightytemptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be

but constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However,
I let her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never once

dreams that my affections are fixed upon another.
MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost

love him for hating you so.
MISS NEVILLE. It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure

would wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt's
bell rings for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. Allons!

Courage is necessary, as our affairs are critical.
MISS HARDCASTLE. "Would it were bed-time, and all were well."

[Exeunt.]
SCENE--An Alehouse Room. Several shabby Fellows with punch and

tobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than the
rest, a mallet in his hand.

OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo!
FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The 'squire is

going to knock himself down for a song.
OMNES. Ay, a song, a song!

TONY. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this
alehouse, the Three Pigeons.

SONG.
Let schoolmasters puzzle their brain

With grammar, and nonsense, and learning,
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,

Gives GENUS a better discerning.
Let them brag of their heathenish gods,

Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians,
Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods,

They're all but a parcel of Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.

When methodist preachers come down,
A-preaching that drinking is sinful,

I'll wager the rascals a crown,
They always preach best with a skinful.

But when you come down with your pence,
For a slice of their scurvy religion,

I'll leave it to all men of sense,
But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon.

Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
Then come, put the jorum about,

And let us be merry and clever,
Our hearts and our liquors are stout,

Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever.
Let some cry up woodcock or hare,

Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons;
But of all the GAY birds in the air,

Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.

OMNES. Bravo, bravo!
FIRST FELLOW. The 'squire has got spunk in him.

SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us
nothing that's low.

THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that's low, I cannot bear it.
FOURTH FELLOW. The genteel thing is the genteel thing any time: if so

be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly.
THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I

am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that.
May this be my poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very

genteelest of tunes; "Water Parted," or "The minuet in Ariadne."
SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the 'squire is not come to his own.

It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him.
TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I'd then show what it was

to keep choice of company.
SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure

old 'Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on.
For winding the straight horn, or beating a thicket for a hare, or a

wench, he never had his fellow. It was a saying in the place, that he
kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county.

TONY. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no bastard, I promise you. I
have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to begin

with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no
reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter?

Enter Landlord.
LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They

have lost their way upo' the forest; and they are talking something
about Mr. Hardcastle.

TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that's
coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners?

LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen.
TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I'll set them right in a

twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enough
company for you, step down for a moment, and I'll be with you in the

squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.]
TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been calling me whelp and hound this

half year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old
grumbletonian. But then I'm afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon be

worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him frighten me out of THAT if he
can.

Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS.
MARLOW. What a tediousuncomfortable day have we had of it! We were

told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above
threescore.

HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours,
that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way.

MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am unwilling to lay myself under an
obligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an

unmannerly answer.
HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any

answer.
TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been inquiring for

one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the
country you are in?

HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for
information.

TONY. Nor the way you came?
HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us----

TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor
where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform

you is, that--you have lost your way.
MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that.

TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from
whence you came?

MARLOW. That's not necessary towards directing us where we are to go.
TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know.

Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained,
old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a

pretty son?
HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you

mention.
TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole;

the son, a pretty, well-bred, agreeable youth, that everybody is fond
of.

MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be
well-bred and beautiful; the son an awkward booby, reared up and

spoiled at his mother's apron-string.
TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you

won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe.
HASTINGS. Unfortunate!

TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo,


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