amongst people of our position is
disastrous for the morality--a fatal
influence--don't you see--upon the general tone of the class--very
important--the most important, I
verily believe, in--in the
community. I feel this--
profoundly. This is the broad view. In time
you'll give me . . . when you become again the woman I loved--and
trusted. . . ."
He stopped short, as though
unexpectedly suffocated, then in a
completely changed voice said, "For I did love and trust you"--and
again was silent for a moment. She put her
handkerchief to her eyes.
"You'll give me credit for--for--my motives. It's
mainly loyalty
to--to the larger conditions of our life--where you--you! of all
women--failed. One doesn't usually talk like this--of course--but in
this case you'll admit . . . And consider--the
innocent suffer with
the
guilty. The world is
pitiless in its judgments. Unfortunately
there are always those in it who are only too eager to misunderstand.
Before you and before my
conscience I am
guiltless, but any--any
disclosure would
impair my
usefulness in the sphere--in the larger
sphere in which I hope soon to . . . I believe you fully shared my
views in that matter--I don't want to say any more . . . on--on that
point--but, believe me, true unselfishness is to bear one's burdens
in--in silence. The ideal must--must be preserved--for others, at
least. It's clear as
daylight. If I've a--a
loathsome sore, to
gratuitously display it would be abominable--abominable! And often in
life--in the highest
conception of life--out
spokenness in certain
circumstances is nothing less than
criminal. Temptation, you know,
excuses no one. There is no such thing really if one looks
steadily to
one's welfare--which is grounded in duty. But there are the weak."
. . . His tone became
ferocious for an
instant . . . "And there are
the fools and the envious--especially for people in our position. I am
guiltless of this terrible--terrible . . . estrangement; but if there
has been nothing irreparable." . . . Something
gloomy, like a deep
shadow passed over his face. . . . "Nothing irreparable--you see even
now I am ready to trust you implicitly--then our duty is clear."
He looked down. A change came over his expression and
straightway from
the
outwardimpetus of his loquacity he passed into the dull
contemplation of all the appeasing truths that, not without some
wonder, he had so recently been able to discover within himself.
During this
profound and soothing
communion with his innermost
beliefs
he remained staring at the
carpet, with a portentously
solemn face and
with a dull vacuity of eyes that seemed to gaze into the blankness of
an empty hole. Then, without
stirring in the least, he continued:
"Yes. Perfectly clear. I've been tried to the
utmost, and I can't
pretend that, for a time, the old feelings--the old feelings are
not. . . ." He sighed. . . . "But I
forgive you. . . ."
She made a slight
movement without uncovering her eyes. In his
profound scrutiny of the
carpet he noticed nothing. And there was
silence, silence within and silence without, as though his words had
stilled the beat and tremor of all the
surrounding life, and the house
had stood alone--the only
dwelling upon a deserted earth.
He lifted his head and
repeatedsolemnly:
"I
forgive you . . . from a sense of duty--and in the hope . . ."
He heard a laugh, and it not only
interrupted his words but also
destroyed the peace of his self-absorption with the vile pain of a
reality intruding upon the beauty of a dream. He couldn't understand
whence the sound came. He could see, foreshortened, the tear-stained,
dolorous face of the woman stretched out, and with her head thrown
over the back of the seat. He thought the
piercing noise was a
delusion. But another
shrill peal followed by a deep sob and
succeeded by another
shriek of mirth
positively seemed to tear him out
from where he stood. He bounded to the door. It was closed. He turned
the key and thought: that's no good. . . . "Stop this!" he cried, and
perceived with alarm that he could hardly hear his own voice in the
midst of her screaming. He darted back with the idea of stifling that
unbearable noise with his hands, but stood still distracted, finding
himself as
unable to touch her as though she had been on fire. He
shouted, "Enough of this!" like men shout in the
tumult of a riot,
with a red face and starting eyes; then, as if swept away before
another burst of
laughter, he disappeared in a flash out of three
looking-glasses, vanished suddenly from before her. For a time the
woman gasped and laughed at no one in the
luminousstillness of the
empty room.
He reappeared, striding at her, and with a
tumbler of water in his
hand. He stammered: "Hysterics--Stop--They will hear--Drink this."
She laughed at the ceiling. "Stop this!" he cried. "Ah!"
He flung the water in her face, putting into the action all the secret
brutality of his spite, yet still felt that it would have been
perfectly excusable--in any one--to send the
tumbler after the water.
He restrained himself, but at the same time was so convinced nothing
could stop the
horror of those mad
shrieks that, when the first
sensation of
relief came, it did not even occur to him to doubt the
impression of having become suddenly deaf. When, next moment, he
became sure that she was sitting up, and really very quiet, it was as
though everything--men, things, sensations, had come to a rest. He was
prepared to be
grateful. He could not take his eyes off her, fearing,
yet
unwilling to admit, the
possibility of her
beginning again; for,
the experience, however
contemptuously he tried to think of it, had
left the
bewilderment of a
mysteriousterror. Her face was streaming
with water and tears; there was a wisp of hair on her forehead,
another stuck to her cheek; her hat was on one side, undecorously
tilted; her soaked veil resembled a
sordid rag festooning her
forehead. There was an utter unreserve in her
aspect, an abandonment
of safeguards, that ugliness of truth which can only be kept out of
daily life by unremitting care for appearances. He did not know why,
looking at her, he thought suddenly of to-morrow, and why the thought
called out a deep feeling of unutterable, discouraged weariness--a
fear of facing the
succession of days. To-morrow! It was as far as
yesterday. Ages elapsed between sunrises--sometimes. He scanned her
features like one looks at a forgotten country. They were not
distorted--he recognized landmarks, so to speak; but it was only a
resemblance that he could see, not the woman of
yesterday--or was it,
perhaps, more than the woman of
yesterday? Who could tell? Was it
something new? A new expression--or a new shade of expression? or
something deep--an old truth unveiled, a
fundamental and hidden
truth--some unnecessary,
accursed certitude? He became aware that he
was trembling very much, that he had an empty
tumbler in his
hand--that time was passing. Still looking at her with lingering
mistrust he reached towards the table to put the glass down and was
startled to feel it
apparently go through the wood. He had missed the
edge. The surprise, the slight jingling noise of the accident annoyed
him beyond expression. He turned to her irritated.
"What's the meaning of this?" he asked, grimly.
She passed her hand over her face and made an attempt to get up.
"You're not going to be
absurd again," he said. "'Pon my soul, I did
not know you could forget yourself to that extent." He didn't try to
conceal his
physicaldisgust, because he believed it to be a purely
moral reprobation of every unreserve, of anything in the nature of a
scene. "I assure you--it was revolting," he went on. He stared for a
moment at her. "Positively degrading," he added with insistence.
She stood up quickly as if moved by a spring and tottered. He started
forward
instinctively. She caught hold of the back of the chair and
steadied herself. This arrested him, and they faced each other
wide-eyed,
uncertain, and yet coming back slowly to the
reality of
things with
relief and wonder, as though just awakened after tossing
through a long night of fevered dreams.
"Pray, don't begin again," he said,
hurriedly,
seeing her open her
lips. "I
deserve some little consideration--and such unaccountable
behaviour is
painful to me. I expect better things. . . . I have the
right. . . ."
She pressed both her hands to her temples.
"Oh, nonsense!" he said,
sharply. "You are
perfectlycapable of
coming down to dinner. No one should even
suspect; not even the
servants. No one! No one! . . . I am sure you can."
She dropped her arms; her face twitched. She looked straight into his
eyes and seemed in
capable of pronouncing a word. He frowned at her.
"I--wish--it," he said, tyrannically. "For your own sake also. . . ."
He meant to carry that point without any pity. Why didn't she speak?
He feared
passiveresistance. She must. . . . Make her come. His frown
deepened, and he began to think of some effectual
violence, when most
unexpectedly she said in a firm voice, "Yes, I can," and clutched the
chair-back again. He was relieved, and all at once her attitude ceased
to interest him. The important thing was that their life would begin