without understanding anything? From a child you had examples before
your eyes--you could see daily the beauty, the blessings of morality,
of principles. . . ."
His voice rose and fell pompously in a strange chant. His eyes were
still, his stare exalted and
sullen; his face was set, was hard, was
woodenly exulting over the grim
inspiration that
secretly possessed
him, seethed within him, lifted him up into a stealthy
frenzy of
belief. Now and then he would stretch out his right arm over her head,
as it were, and he spoke down at that
sinner from a
height, and with a
sense of avenging
virtue, with a
profound and pure joy as though he
could from his steep
pinnacle see every weighty word strike and hurt
like a punishing stone.
"Rigid principles--adherence to what is right," he finished after a
pause.
"What is right?" she said,
distinctly, without uncovering her face.
"Your mind is diseased!" he cried,
upright and
austere. "Such a
question is rot--utter rot. Look round you--there's your answer, if
you only care to see. Nothing that outrages the received
beliefs can
be right. Your
conscience tells you that. They are the received
beliefs because they are the best, the noblest, the only possible.
They
survive. . . ."
He could not help noticing with pleasure the philosophic
breadth of
his view, but he could not pause to enjoy it, for his
inspiration, the
call of
august truth, carried him on.
"You must respect the moral foundations of a society that has made you
what you are. Be true to it. That's duty--that's honour--that's
honesty."
He felt a great glow within him, as though he had swallowed something
hot. He made a step nearer. She sat up and looked at him with an
ardour of
expectation that stimulated his sense of the supreme
importance of that moment. And as if forgetting himself he raised his
voice very much.
"'What's right?' you ask me. Think only. What would you have been if
you had gone off with that
infernalvagabond? . . . What would you
have been? . . . You! My wife! . . ."
He caught sight of himself in the pier glass, drawn up to his full
height, and with a face so white that his eyes, at the distance,
resembled the black cavities in a skull. He saw himself as if about to
launch imprecations, with arms uplifted above her bowed head. He was
ashamed of that unseemly
posture, and put his hands in his pockets
hurriedly. She murmured
faintly, as if to herself--
"Ah! What am I now?"
"As it happens you are still Mrs. Alvan Hervey--uncommonly lucky for
you, let me tell you," he said in a conversational tone. He walked up
to the furthest corner of the room, and, turning back, saw her sitting
very
upright, her hands clasped on her lap, and with a lost,
unswerving gaze of her eyes which stared unwinking like the eyes of
the blind, at the crude gas flame, blazing and still, between the jaws
of the
bronze dragon.
He came up quite close to her, and straddling his legs a little, stood
looking down at her face for some time without
taking his hands out of
his pockets. He seemed to be turning over in his mind a heap of words,
piecing his next speech out of an overpowering
abundance of
thoughts.
"You've tried me to the utmost," he said at last; and as soon as he
said these words he lost his moral
footing, and felt himself swept
away from his
pinnacle by a flood of
passionateresentment against the
bungling creature that had come so near to spoiling his life. "Yes;
I've been tried more than any man ought to be," he went on with
righteous
bitterness. "It was
unfair. What possessed you to? . . .
What possessed you? . . . Write such a . . . After five years of
perfect happiness! 'Pon my word, no one would believe. . . . Didn't
you feel you couldn't? Because you couldn't . . . it was
impossible--you know. Wasn't it? Think. Wasn't it?"
"It was impossible," she whispered, obediently.
This submissive
assent given with such
readiness did not
soothe him,
did not elate him; it gave him, inexplicably, that sense of
terror we
experience when in the midst of conditions we had
learned to think
absolutely safe we discover all at once the presence of a near and
unsuspected danger. It was impossible, of course! He knew it. She knew
it. She confessed it. It was impossible! That man knew it, too--as
well as any one; couldn't help
knowing it. And yet those two had been
engaged in a
conspiracy against his peace--in a
criminal enterprise
for which there could be no
sanction of
belief within themselves.
There could not be! There could not be! And yet how near to . . . With
a short
thrill he saw himself an exiled
forlorn figure in a realm of
ungovernable, of unrestrained folly. Nothing could be foreseen,
foretold--guarded against. And the
sensation was
intolerable, had
something of the withering
horror that may be conceived as following
upon the utter extinction of all hope. In the flash of thought the
dishonouring
episode seemed to disengage itself from everything
actual, from
earthly conditions, and even from
earthlysuffering; it
became
purely a terrifying knowledge, an annihilating knowledge of a
blind and
infernal force. Something
desperate and vague, a
flicker of
an
insane desire to abase himself before the
mysterious impulses of
evil, to ask for mercy in some way, passed through his mind; and then
came the idea, the
persuasion, the certitude, that the evil must be
forgotten--must be
resolutely ignored to make life possible; that the
knowledge must be kept out of mind, out of sight, like the knowledge
of certain death is kept out of the daily
existence of men. He
stiffened himself
inwardly for the effort, and next moment it appeared
very easy,
amazinglyfeasible, if one only kept
strictly to facts,
gave one's mind to their perplexities and not to their meaning.
Becoming
conscious of a long silence, he cleared his
throat warningly,
and said in a steady voice--
"I am glad you feel this . . . uncommonly glad . . . you felt this in
time. For, don't you see . . ." Unexpectedly he hesitated.
"Yes . . . I see," she murmured.
"Of course you would," he said, looking at the
carpet and speaking
like one who thinks of something else. He lifted his head. "I cannot
believe--even after this--even after this--that you are
altogether--altogether . . . other than what I thought you. It seems
impossible--to me."
"And to me," she breathed out.
"Now--yes," he said, "but this morning? And to-morrow? . . . This is
what . . ."
He started at the drift of his words and broke off
abruptly. Every
train of thought seemed to lead into the
hopeless realm of
ungovernable folly, to recall the knowledge and the
terror of forces
that must be ignored. He said rapidly--
"My position is very painful--difficult . . . I feel . . ."
He looked at her fixedly with a pained air, as though frightfully
oppressed by a sudden
inability to express his pent-up ideas.
"I am ready to go," she said very low. "I have forfeited everything
. . . to learn . . . to learn . . ."
Her chin fell on her breast; her voice died out in a sigh. He made a
slight
gesture of
impatientassent.
"Yes! Yes! It's all very well . . . of course. Forfeited--ah!
Morally forfeited--only morally forfeited . . . if I am to believe
you . . ."
She startled him by jumping up.
"Oh! I believe, I believe," he said,
hastily, and she sat down as
suddenly as she had got up. He went on gloomily--
"I've suffered--I suffer now. You can't understand how much. So much
that when you propose a
parting I almost think. . . . But no. There is
duty. You've forgotten it; I never did. Before heaven, I never did.
But in a
horridexposure like this the judgment of mankind goes
astray--at least for a time. You see, you and I--at least I feel
that--you and I are one before the world. It is as it should be. The
world is right--in the main--or else it couldn't be--couldn't be--what
it is. And we are part of it. We have our duty to--to our fellow
beings who don't want to . . . to. . . er."