again with an every-day act--with something that could not be
misunderstood, that, thank God, had no moral meaning, no perplexity--
and yet was symbolic of their un
interrupted
communion in the past--in
all the future. That morning, at that table, they had breakfast
together; and now they would dine. It was all over! What had happened
between could be forgotten--must be forgotten, like things that can
only happen once--death for instance.
"I will wait for you," he said, going to the door. He had some
difficulty with it, for he did not remember he had turned the key. He
hated that delay, and his checked
impatience to be gone out of the
room made him feel quite ill as, with the
consciousness of her
presence behind his back, he fumbled at the lock. He managed it at
last; then in the
doorway he glanced over his shoulder to say, "It's
rather late--you know--" and saw her
standing where he had left her,
with a face white as alabaster and
perfectly still, like a woman in a
trance.
He was afraid she would keep him
waiting, but without any breathing
time, he hardly knew how, he found himself sitting at table with her.
He had made up his mind to eat, to talk, to be natural. It seemed to
him necessary that
deception should begin at home. The servants must
not know--must not
suspect. This
intense desire of
secrecy; of
secrecydark, destroying,
profound,
discreet like a grave, possessed him with
the strength of a hallucination--seemed to spread itself to inanimate
objects that had been the daily companions of his life,
affected with
a taint of
enmity every single thing within the
faithful walls that
would stand forever between the shamelessness of facts and the
indignation of mankind. Even when--as it happened once or twice--both
the servants left the room together he remained carefully natural,
industriously hungry, laboriously at his ease, as though he had wanted
to cheat the black oak sideboard, the heavy curtains, the stiff-backed
chairs, into the
belief of an unstained happiness. He was mistrustful
of his wife's
self-control,
unwilling to look at her and
reluctant to
speak, for it seemed to him inconceivable that she should not betray
herself by the slightest
movement, by the very first word
spoken. Then
he thought the silence in the room was becoming dangerous, and so
excessive as to produce the effect of an
intolerableuproar. He wanted
to end it, as one is
anxious to
interrupt an in
discreet confession;
but with the memory of that laugh
upstairs he dared not give her an
occasion to open her lips. Presently he heard her voice pronouncing in
a calm tone some
unimportant remark. He detached his eyes from the
centre of his plate and felt excited as if on the point of looking at
a wonder. And nothing could be more wonderful than her
composure. He
was looking at the candid eyes, at the pure brow, at what he had seen
every evening for years in that place; he listened to the voice that
for five years he had heard every day. Perhaps she was a little
pale--but a
healthy pallor had always been for him one of her chief
attractions. Perhaps her face was
rigidly set--but that marmoreal
im
passiveness, that
magnificent stolidity, as of a wonderful
statue by
some great
sculptorworking under the curse of the gods; that
imposing, unthinking
stillness of her features, had till then
mirrored for him the
tranquildignity of a soul of which he had
thought himself--as a matter of course--the inexpugnable possessor.
Those were the
outward signs of her difference from the
ignoble herd
that feels, suffers, fails, errs--but has no
distinct value in the
world except as a moral
contrast to the
prosperity of the elect. He
had been proud of her appearance. It had the
perfectly proper
frankness of perfection--and now he was shocked to see it unchanged.
She looked like this, spoke like this, exactly like this, a year ago,
a month ago--only
yesterday when she. . . . What went on within made
no difference. What did she think? What meant the pallor, the
placid