strength is yet further increased by the undaunted courage of youthful
convictions.
"Childhood in its
simplicity knows nothing of the perils of life;
youth sees both its vastness and its difficulties, and at the prospect
the courage of youth sometimes flags. We are still serving our
apprenticeship to life; we are new to the business, a kind of faint-
heartedness overpowers us, and leaves us in an almost dazed condition
of mind. We feel that we are
helpless aliens in a strange country. At
all ages we
shrink back
involuntarily from the unknown. And a young
man is very much like the soldier who will walk up to the cannon's
mouth, and is put to
flight by a ghost. He hesitates among the maxims
of the world. The rules of attack and of self-defence are alike
unknown to him; he can neither give nor take; he is attracted by
women, and stands in awe of them; his very good qualities tell against
him, he is all
generosity and
modesty, and completely
innocent of
mercenary designs. Pleasure and not interest is his object when he
tells a lie; and among many
dubious courses, the
conscience, with
which as yet he has not juggled, points out to him the right way,
which he is slow to take.
"There are men whose lives are destined to be shaped by the impulses
of their hearts, rather than by any
reasoning process that takes place
in their heads, and such natures as these will remain for a long while
in the position that I have described. This was my own case. I became
the
plaything of two contending impulses; the desires of youth were
always held in check by a faint-hearted sentimentality. Life in Paris
is a cruel
ordeal for impressionable natures, the great inequalities
of fortune or of position
inflame their souls and stir up bitter
feelings. In that world of
magnificence and pettiness envy is more apt
to be a
dagger than a spur. You are bound either to fall a
victim or
to become a
partisan in this
incessantstrife of ambitions, desires,
and hatreds, in the midst of which you are placed; and by slow degrees
the picture of vice
triumphant and
virtue made
ridiculous produces its
effect on a young man, and he wavers; life in Paris soon rubs the
bloom from
conscience, the
infernal work of demoralization has begun,
and is soon
accomplished. The first of pleasures, that which at the
outset comprehends all the others, is set about with such perils that
it is impossible not to
reflect upon the least actions which it
provokes, impossible not to calculate all its
consequences. These
calculations lead to
selfishness. If some poor student, carried away
by an impassioned
enthusiasm, is fain to rise above selfish
considerations, the
suspicious attitude of those about him makes him
pause and doubt; it is so hard not to share their
mistrust, so
difficult not to be on his guard against his own
generous thoughts.
His heart is seared and
contracted by this struggle, the current of
life sets toward the brain, and the callousness of the Parisian is the
result--the condition of things in which schemes for power and
wealthare concealed by the most
charming frivolity, and lurk beneath the
sentimental transports that take the place of
enthusiasm. The
simplest-natured woman in Paris always keeps a clear head even in the
intoxication of happiness.
"This
atmosphere was bound to
affect my opinions and my conduct. The
errors that have poisoned my life would have lain
lightly on many a
conscience, but we in the South have a religious faith that leads us
to believe in a future life, and in the truths set forth by the
Catholic Church. These beliefs give depth and
gravity to every
feeling, and to
remorse a terrible and
lasting power.
"The army were masters of society at the time when I was studying
medicine. In order to shine in women's eyes, one had to be a colonel
at the very least. A poor student counted for
absolutely nothing.
Goaded by the strength of my desires, and
finding no
outlet for them;
hampered at every step and in every wish by the want of money; looking
on study and fame as too slow a means of arriving at the pleasures
that tempted me; drawn one way by my
inward scruples, and another by
evil examples; meeting with every
facility for low dissipation, and
finding nothing but hindrances barring the way to good society, I
passed my days in wretchedness, overwhelmed by a surging
tumult of
desires, and by indolence of the most
deadly kind, utterly cast down
at times, only to be as suddenly elated.
"The
catastrophe which at length put an end to this
crisis was
commonplace enough. The thought of troubling the peace of a household
has always been repugnant to me; and not only so, I could not
dissemble my feelings, the
instinct of
sincerity was too strong in me;
I should have found it a
physicalimpossibility to lead a life of
glaring falsity. There is for me but little
attraction in pleasures
that must be snatched. I wish for full
consciousness of my happiness.
I led a life of
solitude, for which there seemed to be no
remedy; for
I
shrank from
openlyvicious courses, and the many efforts that I made
to enter society were all in vain. There I might have met with some
woman who would have undertaken the task of teaching me the perils of
every path, who would have formed my manners, counseled me without
wounding my
vanity, and introduced me everywhere where I was likely to
make friends who would be useful to me in my future
career. In my
despair, an intrigue of the most dangerous kind would perhaps have had
its
attractions for me; but even peril was out of my reach. My
inexperience sent me back again to my
solitude, where I dwelt face to
face with my thwarted desires.
"At last I formed a
connection, at first a secret one, with a girl,
whom I
persuaded, half against her will, to share my life. Her people
were
worthy folk, who had but small means. It was not very long before
she left her simple sheltered life, and fearlessly intrusted me with a
future that
virtue would have made happy and fair; thinking, no doubt,
that my narrow
income was the surest
guarantee of my faithfulness to
her. From that moment the
tempest that had raged within me ceased, and
happiness lulled my wild desires and ambitions to sleep. Such
happiness is only possible for a young man who is
ignorant of the
world, who knows nothing as yet of its accepted codes nor of the
strength of
prejudice; but while it lasts, his happiness is as all-
absorbing as a child's. Is not first love like a return of childhood
across the intervening years of
anxiety and toil?
"There are men who learn life at a glance, who see it for what it is
at once, who learn experience from the mistakes of others, who apply
the current maxims of
worldlywisdom to their own case with signal
success, and make unerring forecasts at all times. Wise in their
generation are such cool heads as these! But there is also a luckless
race endowed with the impressionable, keenly-sensitive
temperament of
the poet; these are the natures that fall into error, and to this
latter class I belonged. There was no great depth in the feeling that
first drew me towards this poor girl; I followed my
instinct rather
than my heart when I sacrificed her to myself, and I found no lack of
excellent reasons
wherewith to
persuade myself that there was no harm
whatever in what I had done. And as for her--she was
devotion itself,
a noble soul with a clear, keen
intelligence and a heart of gold. She
never counseled me other than
wisely. Her love put fresh heart into me
from the first; she
foretold a splendid future of success and fortune
for me, and
gently constrained me to take up my studies again by her
belief in me. In these days there is scarcely a branch of science that
has no
bearing upon medicine; it is a difficult task to achieve
distinction, but the
reward is great, for in Paris fame always means
fortune. The unselfish girl
devoted herself to me, shared in every
interest, even the slightest, of my life, and managed so carefully and
wisely that we lived in comfort on my narrow
income. I had more money
to spare, now that there were two of us, than I had ever had while I
lived by myself. Those were my happiest days. I worked with
enthusiasm, I had a
definite aim before me, I had found the
encouragement I needed. Everything I did or thought I carried to her,
who had not only found the way to gain my love, but above and beyond
this had filled me with
sincere respect for her by the modest
discretion which she displayed in a position where
discretion and
modesty seemed well-nigh impossible. But one day was like another,
sir; and it is only after our hears have passed through all the storms
appointed for us that we know the value of a
monotonous happiness, and
learn that life holds nothing more sweet for us than this; a calm
happiness in which the
fatigue of
existence is felt no longer, and the
inmost thoughts of either find
response in the other's soul.
"My former dreams assailed me again. They were my own vehement
longings for the pleasures of
wealth that awoke, though it was in
love's name that I now asked for them. In the evenings I grew
abstracted and moody, rapt in imaginings of the pleasures I could
enjoy if I were rich, and thoughtlessly gave expression to my desires
in answer to a tender questioning voice. I must have drawn a painful
sigh from her who had
devoted herself to my happiness; for she, sweet