strength is yet further increased by the undaunted courage of youthful
convictions.

"Childhood in its simplicity knows nothing of the perils of life;
youth sees both its vastness and its difficulties, and at the prospect

the courage of youth sometimes flags. We are still serving our
apprenticeship to life; we are new to the business, a kind of faint-

heartedness overpowers us, and leaves us in an almost dazed condition
of mind. We feel that we are helpless aliens in a strange country. At

all ages we shrink back involuntarily from the unknown. And a young
man is very much like the soldier who will walk up to the cannon's

mouth, and is put to flight by a ghost. He hesitates among the maxims
of the world. The rules of attack and of self-defence are alike

unknown to him; he can neither give nor take; he is attracted by
women, and stands in awe of them; his very good qualities tell against

him, he is all generosity and modesty, and completely innocent of
mercenary designs. Pleasure and not interest is his object when he

tells a lie; and among many dubious courses, the conscience, with
which as yet he has not juggled, points out to him the right way,

which he is slow to take.
"There are men whose lives are destined to be shaped by the impulses

of their hearts, rather than by any reasoning process that takes place
in their heads, and such natures as these will remain for a long while

in the position that I have described. This was my own case. I became
the plaything of two contending impulses; the desires of youth were

always held in check by a faint-hearted sentimentality. Life in Paris
is a cruel ordeal for impressionable natures, the great inequalities

of fortune or of position inflame their souls and stir up bitter
feelings. In that world of magnificence and pettiness envy is more apt

to be a dagger than a spur. You are bound either to fall a victim or
to become a partisan in this incessantstrife of ambitions, desires,

and hatreds, in the midst of which you are placed; and by slow degrees
the picture of vice triumphant and virtue made ridiculous produces its

effect on a young man, and he wavers; life in Paris soon rubs the
bloom from conscience, the infernal work of demoralization has begun,

and is soon accomplished. The first of pleasures, that which at the
outset comprehends all the others, is set about with such perils that

it is impossible not to reflect upon the least actions which it
provokes, impossible not to calculate all its consequences. These

calculations lead to selfishness. If some poor student, carried away
by an impassioned enthusiasm, is fain to rise above selfish

considerations, the suspicious attitude of those about him makes him
pause and doubt; it is so hard not to share their mistrust, so

difficult not to be on his guard against his own generous thoughts.
His heart is seared and contracted by this struggle, the current of

life sets toward the brain, and the callousness of the Parisian is the
result--the condition of things in which schemes for power and wealth

are concealed by the most charming frivolity, and lurk beneath the
sentimental transports that take the place of enthusiasm. The

simplest-natured woman in Paris always keeps a clear head even in the
intoxication of happiness.

"This atmosphere was bound to affect my opinions and my conduct. The
errors that have poisoned my life would have lain lightly on many a

conscience, but we in the South have a religious faith that leads us
to believe in a future life, and in the truths set forth by the

Catholic Church. These beliefs give depth and gravity to every
feeling, and to remorse a terrible and lasting power.

"The army were masters of society at the time when I was studying
medicine. In order to shine in women's eyes, one had to be a colonel

at the very least. A poor student counted for absolutely nothing.
Goaded by the strength of my desires, and finding no outlet for them;

hampered at every step and in every wish by the want of money; looking
on study and fame as too slow a means of arriving at the pleasures

that tempted me; drawn one way by my inward scruples, and another by
evil examples; meeting with every facility for low dissipation, and

finding nothing but hindrances barring the way to good society, I
passed my days in wretchedness, overwhelmed by a surging tumult of

desires, and by indolence of the most deadly kind, utterly cast down
at times, only to be as suddenly elated.

"The catastrophe which at length put an end to this crisis was
commonplace enough. The thought of troubling the peace of a household

has always been repugnant to me; and not only so, I could not
dissemble my feelings, the instinct of sincerity was too strong in me;

I should have found it a physicalimpossibility to lead a life of
glaring falsity. There is for me but little attraction in pleasures

that must be snatched. I wish for full consciousness of my happiness.
I led a life of solitude, for which there seemed to be no remedy; for

I shrank from openlyvicious courses, and the many efforts that I made
to enter society were all in vain. There I might have met with some

woman who would have undertaken the task of teaching me the perils of
every path, who would have formed my manners, counseled me without

wounding my vanity, and introduced me everywhere where I was likely to
make friends who would be useful to me in my future career. In my

despair, an intrigue of the most dangerous kind would perhaps have had
its attractions for me; but even peril was out of my reach. My

inexperience sent me back again to my solitude, where I dwelt face to
face with my thwarted desires.

"At last I formed a connection, at first a secret one, with a girl,
whom I persuaded, half against her will, to share my life. Her people

were worthy folk, who had but small means. It was not very long before
she left her simple sheltered life, and fearlessly intrusted me with a

future that virtue would have made happy and fair; thinking, no doubt,
that my narrow income was the surest guarantee of my faithfulness to

her. From that moment the tempest that had raged within me ceased, and
happiness lulled my wild desires and ambitions to sleep. Such

happiness is only possible for a young man who is ignorant of the
world, who knows nothing as yet of its accepted codes nor of the

strength of prejudice; but while it lasts, his happiness is as all-
absorbing as a child's. Is not first love like a return of childhood

across the intervening years of anxiety and toil?
"There are men who learn life at a glance, who see it for what it is

at once, who learn experience from the mistakes of others, who apply
the current maxims of worldlywisdom to their own case with signal

success, and make unerring forecasts at all times. Wise in their
generation are such cool heads as these! But there is also a luckless

race endowed with the impressionable, keenly-sensitive temperament of
the poet; these are the natures that fall into error, and to this

latter class I belonged. There was no great depth in the feeling that
first drew me towards this poor girl; I followed my instinct rather

than my heart when I sacrificed her to myself, and I found no lack of
excellent reasons wherewith to persuade myself that there was no harm

whatever in what I had done. And as for her--she was devotion itself,
a noble soul with a clear, keen intelligence and a heart of gold. She

never counseled me other than wisely. Her love put fresh heart into me
from the first; she foretold a splendid future of success and fortune

for me, and gently constrained me to take up my studies again by her
belief in me. In these days there is scarcely a branch of science that

has no bearing upon medicine; it is a difficult task to achieve
distinction, but the reward is great, for in Paris fame always means

fortune. The unselfish girl devoted herself to me, shared in every
interest, even the slightest, of my life, and managed so carefully and

wisely that we lived in comfort on my narrow income. I had more money
to spare, now that there were two of us, than I had ever had while I

lived by myself. Those were my happiest days. I worked with
enthusiasm, I had a definite aim before me, I had found the

encouragement I needed. Everything I did or thought I carried to her,
who had not only found the way to gain my love, but above and beyond

this had filled me with sincere respect for her by the modest
discretion which she displayed in a position where discretion and

modesty seemed well-nigh impossible. But one day was like another,
sir; and it is only after our hears have passed through all the storms

appointed for us that we know the value of a monotonous happiness, and
learn that life holds nothing more sweet for us than this; a calm

happiness in which the fatigue of existence is felt no longer, and the
inmost thoughts of either find response in the other's soul.

"My former dreams assailed me again. They were my own vehement
longings for the pleasures of wealth that awoke, though it was in

love's name that I now asked for them. In the evenings I grew
abstracted and moody, rapt in imaginings of the pleasures I could

enjoy if I were rich, and thoughtlessly gave expression to my desires
in answer to a tender questioning voice. I must have drawn a painful

sigh from her who had devoted herself to my happiness; for she, sweet