soul, felt nothing more
cruelly than the thought that I wished for
something that she could not give me immediately. Oh! sir, a woman's
devotion is sublime!"
There was a sharp
distress in the doctor's
exclamation which seemed
prompted by some
recollection of his own; he paused for a brief while,
and Genestas respected his musings.
"Well, sir," Benassis resumed, "something happened which should have
concluded the marriage thus begun; but instead of that it put an end
to it, and was the cause of all my misfortunes. My father died and
left me a large fortune. The necessary business arrangements demanded
my presence in Languedoc for several months, and I went
thither alone.
At last I had regained my freedom! Even the mildest yoke is galling to
youth; we do not see its necessity any more than we see the need to
work, until we have had some experience of life. I came and went
without giving an
account of my actions to any one; there was no need
to do so now unless I wished, and I relished liberty with all the keen
capacity for
enjoyment that we have in Languedoc. I did not
absolutelyforget the ties that bound me; but I was so absorbed in other matters
of interest, that my mind was distracted from them, and little by
little the
recollection of them faded away. Letters full of heartfelt
tenderness reached me; but at two-and-twenty a young man imagines that
all women are alike tender; he does not know love from a passing
infatuation; all things are confused in the sensations of pleasure
which seem at first to
comprise everything. It was only later, when I
came to a clearer knowledge of men and of things as they are, that I
could
estimate those noble letters at their just worth. No trace of
selfishness was mingled with the feeling expressed in them; there was
nothing but
gladness on my
account for my change of fortune, and
regret on her own; it never occurred to her that I could change
towards her, for she felt that she herself was
incapable of change.
But even then I had given myself up to
ambitious dreams; I thought of
drinking deeply of all the delights that
wealth could give, of
becoming a person of
consequence, of making a
brilliant marriage. So I
read the letters, and
contented myself with
saying, 'She is very fond
of me,' with the
indifference of a coxcomb. Even then I was perplexed
as to how to extricate myself from this entanglement; I was
ashamed of
it, and this fact as well as my
perplexity led me to be cruel. We
begin by wounding the
victim, and then we kill it, that the sight of
our
cruelty may no longer put us to the blush. Late
reflections upon
those days of error have unveiled for me many a dark depth in the
human heart. Yes, believe me, those who best have fathomed the good
and evil in human nature have
honestly examined themselves in the
first
instance. Conscience is the starting-point of our
investigations; we proceed from ourselves to others, never from others
to ourselves.
"When I returned to Paris I took up my abode in a large house which,
in pursuance with my orders, had been taken for me, and the one person
interested in my return and change of address was not informed of it.
I wished to cut a figure among young men of fashion. I waited a few
days to taste the first delights of
wealth; and when, flushed with the
excitement of my new position, I felt that I could trust myself to do
so, I went to see the poor girl whom I meant to cast off. With a
woman's quickness she saw what was passing in my mind, and hid her
tears from me. She could not but have despised me; but it was her
nature to be gentle and kindly, and she never showed her scorn. Her
forbearance was a cruel
punishment. An unresisting
victim is not a
pleasant thing; whether the murder is done decorously in the drawing-
room, or brutally on the
highway, there should be a struggle to give
some plausible excuse for
taking a life. I renewed my visits very
affectionately at first, making efforts to be
gracious, if not tender;