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The Country Doctor-Part32_Honore de Balzac(1799-1850)_Translated Works(翻译文学)-第2页

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soul, felt nothing more cruelly than the thought that I wished for



something that she could not give me immediately. Oh! sir, a woman's

devotion is sublime!"



There was a sharp distress in the doctor's exclamation which seemed

prompted by some recollection of his own; he paused for a brief while,



and Genestas respected his musings.

"Well, sir," Benassis resumed, "something happened which should have



concluded the marriage thus begun; but instead of that it put an end

to it, and was the cause of all my misfortunes. My father died and



left me a large fortune. The necessary business arrangements demanded

my presence in Languedoc for several months, and I went thither alone.



At last I had regained my freedom! Even the mildest yoke is galling to

youth; we do not see its necessity any more than we see the need to



work, until we have had some experience of life. I came and went

without giving an account of my actions to any one; there was no need



to do so now unless I wished, and I relished liberty with all the keen

capacity for enjoyment that we have in Languedoc. I did not absolutely



forget the ties that bound me; but I was so absorbed in other matters

of interest, that my mind was distracted from them, and little by



little the recollection of them faded away. Letters full of heartfelt

tenderness reached me; but at two-and-twenty a young man imagines that



all women are alike tender; he does not know love from a passing

infatuation; all things are confused in the sensations of pleasure



which seem at first to comprise everything. It was only later, when I

came to a clearer knowledge of men and of things as they are, that I



could estimate those noble letters at their just worth. No trace of

selfishness was mingled with the feeling expressed in them; there was



nothing but gladness on my account for my change of fortune, and

regret on her own; it never occurred to her that I could change



towards her, for she felt that she herself was incapable of change.

But even then I had given myself up to ambitious dreams; I thought of



drinking deeply of all the delights that wealth could give, of

becoming a person of consequence, of making a brilliant marriage. So I



read the letters, and contented myself with saying, 'She is very fond

of me,' with the indifference of a coxcomb. Even then I was perplexed



as to how to extricate myself from this entanglement; I was ashamed of

it, and this fact as well as my perplexity led me to be cruel. We



begin by wounding the victim, and then we kill it, that the sight of

our cruelty may no longer put us to the blush. Late reflections upon



those days of error have unveiled for me many a dark depth in the

human heart. Yes, believe me, those who best have fathomed the good



and evil in human nature have honestly examined themselves in the

first instance. Conscience is the starting-point of our



investigations; we proceed from ourselves to others, never from others

to ourselves.



"When I returned to Paris I took up my abode in a large house which,

in pursuance with my orders, had been taken for me, and the one person



interested in my return and change of address was not informed of it.

I wished to cut a figure among young men of fashion. I waited a few



days to taste the first delights of wealth; and when, flushed with the

excitement of my new position, I felt that I could trust myself to do



so, I went to see the poor girl whom I meant to cast off. With a

woman's quickness she saw what was passing in my mind, and hid her



tears from me. She could not but have despised me; but it was her

nature to be gentle and kindly, and she never showed her scorn. Her



forbearance was a cruel punishment. An unresisting victim is not a

pleasant thing; whether the murder is done decorously in the drawing-



room, or brutally on the highway, there should be a struggle to give

some plausible excuse for taking a life. I renewed my visits very



affectionately at first, making efforts to be gracious, if not tender;




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