MISS HARDCASTLE. Is he?
HARDCASTLE. Very generous.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I believe I shall like him.
HARDCASTLE. Young and brave.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm sure I shall like him.
HARDCASTLE. And very handsome.
MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, say no more, (kissing his hand), he's
mine; I'll have him.
HARDCASTLE. And, to crown all, Kate, he's one of the most
bashful and
reserved young fellows in all the world.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Eh! you have
frozen me to death again. That word
RESERVED has
undone all the rest of his accomplishments. A reserved
lover, it is said, always makes a
suspicious husband.
HARDCASTLE. On the
contrary,
modesty seldom resides in a breast that
is not enriched with nobler
virtues. It was the very feature in his
character that first struck me.
MISS HARDCASTLE. He must have more
striking features to catch me, I
promise you. However, if he be so young, so handsome, and so
everything as you mention, I believe he'll do still. I think I'll have
him.
HARDCASTLE. Ay, Kate, but there is still an
obstacle. It's more than
an even wager he may not have you.
MISS HARDCASTLE. My dear papa, why will you
mortify one so?--Well, if
he refuses, instead of breaking my heart at his
indifference, I'll only
break my glass for its
flattery, set my cap to some newer fashion, and
look out for some less difficult admirer.
HARDCASTLE. Bravely resolved! In the mean time I'll go prepare the
servants for his
reception: as we seldom see company, they want as much
training as a company of recruits the first day's
muster. [Exit.]
MISS HARDCASTLE. (Alone). Lud, this news of papa's puts me all in a
flutter. Young, handsome: these he put last; but I put them foremost.
Sensible,
good-natured; I like all that. But then reserved and
sheepish; that's much against him. Yet can't he be cured of his
timidity, by being taught to be proud of his wife? Yes, and can't
I--But I vow I'm disposing of the husband before I have secured the
lover.
Enter MISS NEVILLE.
MISS HARDCASTLE. I'm glad you're come, Neville, my dear. Tell me,
Constance, how do I look this evening? Is there anything whimsical
about me? Is it one of my well-looking days, child? Am I in face
to-day?
MISS NEVILLE. Perfectly, my dear. Yet now I look again--bless
me!--sure no accident has happened among the
canary birds or the gold
fishes. Has your brother or the cat been meddling? or has the last
novel been too moving?
MISS HARDCASTLE. No; nothing of all this. I have been threatened--I
can
scarce get it out--I have been threatened with a lover.
MISS NEVILLE. And his name--
MISS HARDCASTLE. Is Marlow.
MISS NEVILLE. Indeed!
MISS HARDCASTLE. The son of Sir Charles Marlow.
MISS NEVILLE. As I live, the most
intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my
admirer. They are never
asunder. I believe you must have seen him
when we lived in town.
MISS HARDCASTLE. Never.
MISS NEVILLE. He's a very
singularcharacter, I assure you. Among
women of
reputation and
virtue he is the modestest man alive; but his
acquaintance give him a very different
character among creatures of
another stamp: you understand me.
MISS HARDCASTLE. An odd
character indeed. I shall never be able to
manage him. What shall I do? Pshaw, think no more of him, but trust
to occurrences for success. But how goes on your own affair, my dear?
has my mother been courting you for my brother Tony as usual?
MISS NEVILLE. I have just come from one of our
agreeabletete-a-tetes. She has been
saying a hundred tender things, and setting
off her pretty
monster as the very pink of perfection.
MISS HARDCASTLE. And her partiality is such, that she
actually thinks
him so. A fortune like yours is no small
temptation. Besides, as she
has the sole
management of it, I'm not surprised to see her
unwillingto let it go out of the family.
MISS NEVILLE. A fortune like mine, which
chiefly consists in jewels,
is no such
mightytemptation. But at any rate, if my dear Hastings be
but
constant, I make no doubt to be too hard for her at last. However,
I let her suppose that I am in love with her son; and she never once
dreams that my affections are fixed upon another.
MISS HARDCASTLE. My good brother holds out stoutly. I could almost
love him for hating you so.
MISS NEVILLE. It is a
good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure
would wish to see me married to anybody but himself. But my aunt's
bell rings for our afternoon's walk round the improvements. Allons!
Courage is necessary, as our affairs are critical.
MISS HARDCASTLE. "Would it were bed-time, and all were well."
[Exeunt.]
SCENE--An Alehouse Room. Several
shabby Fellows with punch and
tobacco. TONY at the head of the table, a little higher than the
rest, a
mallet in his hand.
OMNES. Hurrea! hurrea! hurrea! bravo!
FIRST FELLOW Now, gentlemen, silence for a song. The 'squire is
going to knock himself down for a song.
OMNES. Ay, a song, a song!
TONY. Then I'll sing you, gentlemen, a song I made upon this
alehouse, the Three Pigeons.
SONG.
Let schoolmasters
puzzle their brain
With grammar, and
nonsense, and learning,
Good
liquor, I stoutly maintain,
Gives GENUS a better discerning.
Let them brag of their heathenish gods,
Their Lethes, their Styxes, and Stygians,
Their Quis, and their Quaes, and their Quods,
They're all but a
parcel of Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
When methodist
preachers come down,
A-
preaching that drinking is sinful,
I'll wager the rascals a crown,
They always
preach best with a skinful.
But when you come down with your pence,
For a slice of their scurvy religion,
I'll leave it to all men of sense,
But you, my good friend, are the Pigeon.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
Then come, put the jorum about,
And let us be merry and clever,
Our hearts and our
liquors are stout,
Here's the Three Jolly Pigeons for ever.
Let some cry up woodcock or hare,
Your bustards, your ducks, and your widgeons;
But of all the GAY birds in the air,
Here's a health to the Three Jolly Pigeons.
Toroddle, toroddle, toroll.
OMNES. Bravo, bravo!
FIRST FELLOW. The 'squire has got spunk in him.
SECOND FELLOW. I loves to hear him sing, bekeays he never gives us
nothing that's low.
THIRD FELLOW. O damn anything that's low, I cannot bear it.
FOURTH FELLOW. The
genteel thing is the
genteel thing any time: if so
be that a gentleman bees in a concatenation accordingly.
THIRD FELLOW. I likes the maxum of it, Master Muggins. What, though I
am obligated to dance a bear, a man may be a gentleman for all that.
May this be my
poison, if my bear ever dances but to the very
genteelest of tunes; "Water Parted," or "The minuet in Ariadne."
SECOND FELLOW. What a pity it is the 'squire is not come to his own.
It would be well for all the publicans within ten miles round of him.
TONY. Ecod, and so it would, Master Slang. I'd then show what it was
to keep choice of company.
SECOND FELLOW. O he takes after his own father for that. To be sure
old 'Squire Lumpkin was the finest gentleman I ever set my eyes on.
For winding the straight horn, or
beating a
thicket for a hare, or a
wench, he never had his fellow. It was a
saying in the place, that he
kept the best horses, dogs, and girls, in the whole county.
TONY. Ecod, and when I'm of age, I'll be no
bastard, I promise you. I
have been thinking of Bet Bouncer and the miller's grey mare to begin
with. But come, my boys, drink about and be merry, for you pay no
reckoning. Well, Stingo, what's the matter?
Enter Landlord.
LANDLORD. There be two gentlemen in a post-chaise at the door. They
have lost their way upo' the forest; and they are talking something
about Mr. Hardcastle.
TONY. As sure as can be, one of them must be the gentleman that's
coming down to court my sister. Do they seem to be Londoners?
LANDLORD. I believe they may. They look woundily like Frenchmen.
TONY. Then desire them to step this way, and I'll set them right in a
twinkling. (Exit Landlord.) Gentlemen, as they mayn't be good enough
company for you, step down for a moment, and I'll be with you in the
squeezing of a lemon. [Exeunt mob.]
TONY. (solus). Father-in-law has been
calling me whelp and hound this
half year. Now, if I pleased, I could be so revenged upon the old
grumbletonian. But then I'm afraid--afraid of what? I shall soon be
worth fifteen hundred a year, and let him
frighten me out of THAT if he
can.
Enter Landlord, conducting MARLOW and HASTINGS.
MARLOW. What a
tediousuncomfortable day have we had of it! We were
told it was but forty miles across the country, and we have come above
threescore.
HASTINGS. And all, Marlow, from that unaccountable reserve of yours,
that would not let us inquire more frequently on the way.
MARLOW. I own, Hastings, I am
unwilling to lay myself under an
obligation to every one I meet, and often stand the chance of an
unmannerly answer.
HASTINGS. At present, however, we are not likely to receive any
answer.
TONY. No offence, gentlemen. But I'm told you have been inquiring for
one Mr. Hardcastle in these parts. Do you know what part of the
country you are in?
HASTINGS. Not in the least, sir, but should thank you for
information.
TONY. Nor the way you came?
HASTINGS. No, sir: but if you can inform us----
TONY. Why, gentlemen, if you know neither the road you are going, nor
where you are, nor the road you came, the first thing I have to inform
you is, that--you have lost your way.
MARLOW. We wanted no ghost to tell us that.
TONY. Pray, gentlemen, may I be so bold so as to ask the place from
whence you came?
MARLOW. That's not necessary towards directing us where we are to go.
TONY. No offence; but question for question is all fair, you know.
Pray, gentlemen, is not this same Hardcastle a cross-grained,
old-fashioned, whimsical fellow, with an ugly face, a daughter, and a
pretty son?
HASTINGS. We have not seen the gentleman; but he has the family you
mention.
TONY. The daughter, a tall, trapesing, trolloping, talkative maypole;
the son, a pretty, well-bred,
agreeable youth, that everybody is fond
of.
MARLOW. Our information differs in this. The daughter is said to be
well-bred and beautiful; the son an
awkward booby, reared up and
spoiled at his mother's apron-string.
TONY. He-he-hem!--Then, gentlemen, all I have to tell you is, that you
won't reach Mr. Hardcastle's house this night, I believe.
HASTINGS. Unfortunate!
TONY. It's a damn'd long, dark, boggy, dirty, dangerous way. Stingo,