with them I should have got the men to do anything? Not it! The
bo's'n perhaps? Perhaps! It wasn't a heavy sea - it was a sea
gone mad! I suppose the end of the world will be something like
that; and a man may have the heart to see it coming once and be
done with it - but to have to face it day after day - I don't blame
anybody. I was precious little better than the rest. Only - I was
an officer of that old coal-waggon, anyhow - "
"I quite understand," I conveyed that
sincereassurance into his
ear. He was out of
breath with
whispering; I could hear him pant
slightly. It was all very simple. The same strung-up force which
had given twenty-four men a chance, at least, for their lives, had,
in a sort of
recoil, crushed an
unworthy mutinous
existence.
But I had no
leisure to weigh the merits of the matter - footsteps
in the
saloon, a heavy knock. "There's enough wind to get under
way with, sir." Here was the call of a new claim upon my thoughts
and even upon my feelings.
"Turn the hands up," I cried through the door. "I'll be on deck
directly."
I was going out to make the
acquaintance of my ship. Before I left
the cabin our eyes met - the eyes of the only two strangers on
board. I
pointed to the recessed part where the little camp-stool
awaited him and laid my finger on my lips. He made a
gesture -
somewhat vague - a little
mysterious, accompanied by a faint smile,
as if of regret.
This is not the place to
enlarge upon the sensations of a man who
feels for the first time a ship move under his feet to his own
independent word. In my case they were not unalloyed. I was not
wholly alone with my command; for there was that stranger in my
cabin. Or rather, I was not completely and
wholly with her. Part
of me was
absent. That
mental feeling of being in two places at
once
affected me
physically as if the mood of
secrecy had
penetrated my very soul. Before an hour had elapsed since the ship
had begun to move, having occasion to ask the mate (he stood by my
side) to take a
compassbearing of the Pagoda, I caught myself
reaching up to his ear in
whispers. I say I caught myself, but
enough had escaped to
startle the man. I can't describe it
otherwise than by
saying that he shied. A grave, preoccupied
manner, as though he were in possession of some perplexing
intelligence, did not leave him
henceforth. A little later I moved
away from the rail to look at the
compass with such a stealthy gait
that the helmsman noticed it - and I could not help noticing the
unusual roundness of his eyes. These are
trifling instances,
though it's to no
commander's
advantage to be suspected of
ludicrous eccentricities. But I was also more
seriouslyaffected.
There are to a
seaman certain words,
gestures, that should in given
conditions come as naturally, as
instinctively as the winking of a
menaced eye. A certain order should spring on to his lips without
thinking; a certain sign should get itself made, so to speak,
without
reflection. But all
unconscious alertness had abandoned
me. I had to make an effort of will to recall myself back (from
the cabin) to the conditions of the moment. I felt that I was
appearing an irresolute
commander to those people who were watching
me more or less critically.
And, besides, there were the scares. On the second day out, for
instance, coming off the deck in the afternoon (I had straw
slippers on my bare feet) I stopped at the open
pantry door and
spoke to the
steward. He was doing something there with his back
to me. At the sound of my voice he nearly jumped out of his skin,
as the
saying is, and
incidentally broke a cup.
"What on earth's the matter with you?" I asked, astonished.
He was
extremely confused. "Beg your
pardon, sir. I made sure you
were in your cabin."
"You see I wasn't."
"No, sir. I could have sworn I had heard you moving in there not a
moment ago. It's most
extraordinary . . . very sorry, sir."
I passed on with an
inwardshudder. I was so identified with my
secret double that I did not even mention the fact in those scanty,
fearful
whispers we exchanged. I suppose he had made some slight
noise of some kind or other. It would have been
miraculous if he
hadn't at one time or another. And yet,
haggard as he appeared, he
looked always
perfectly self-controlled, more than calm - almost
invulnerable. On my
suggestion he remained almost entirely in the
bathroom, which, upon the whole, was the safest place. There could
be really no shadow of an excuse for any one ever
wanting to go in
there, once the
steward had done with it. It was a very tiny
place. Sometimes he reclined on the floor, his legs bent, his head
sustained on one elbow. At others I would find him on the camp-
stool, sitting in his grey sleeping-suit and with his cropped dark
hair like a patient,
unmovedconvict. At night I would
smuggle him
into my bed-place, and we would
whisper together, with the regular
footfalls of the officer of the watch passing and repassing over
our heads. It was an
infinitelymiserable time. It was lucky that
some tins of fine preserves were stowed in a locker in my
stateroom; hard bread I could always get hold of; and so he lived
on stewed chicken, pate de foie gras,
asparagus, cooked oysters,
sardines - on all sorts of
abominable sham delicacies out of tins.
My early morning coffee he always drank; and it was all I dared do
for him in that respect.
Every day there was the
horrible manoeuvring to go through so that
my room and then the bath-room should be done in the usual way. I
came to hate the sight of the
steward, to abhor the voice of that
harmless man. I felt that it was he who would bring on the
disaster of discovery. It hung like a sword over our heads.
The fourth day out, I think (we were then
working down the east
side of the Gulf of Siam, tack for tack, in light winds and smooth
water) - the fourth day, I say, of this
miserable juggling with the
unavoidable, as we sat at our evening meal, that man, whose
slightest
movement I dreaded, after putting down the dishes ran up
on deck
busily. This could not be dangerous. Presently he came
down again; and then it appeared that he had remembered a coat of
mine which I had thrown over a rail to dry after having been wetted
in a
shower which had passed over the ship in the afternoon.
Sitting stolidly at the head of the table I became terrified at the
sight of the
garment on his arm. Of course he made for my door.
There was no time to lose.
"Steward," I thundered. My nerves were so
shaken that I could not
govern my voice and
conceal my
agitation. This was the sort of
thing that made my
terrifically whiskered mate tap his forehead
with his
forefinger. I had detected him using that
gesture while
talking on deck with a
confidential air to the
carpenter. It was
too far to hear a word, but I had no doubt that this pantomime
could only refer to the strange new captain.
"Yes, sir," the pale-faced
steward turned resignedly to me. It was
this maddening course of being shouted at, checked without rhyme or
reason, arbitrarily chased out of my cabin, suddenly called into
it, sent flying out of his
pantry on incomprehensible errands, that
accounted for the growing
wretchedness of his expression.
"Where are you going with that coat?"
"To your room, sir."
"Is there another
shower coming?"
"I'm sure I don't know, sir. Shall I go up again and see, sir?"
"No! never mind."
My object was attained, as of course my other self in there would
have heard everything that passed. During this interlude my two
officers never raised their eyes off their
respective plates; but
the lip of that confounded cub, the second mate, quivered visibly.
I expected the
steward to hook my coat on and come out at once. He
was very slow about it; but I dominated my nervousness
sufficientlynot to shout after him. Suddenly I became aware (it could be heard
plainly enough) that the fellow for some reason or other was
opening the door of the bath-room. It was the end. The place was
literally not big enough to swing a cat in. My voice died in my
throat and I went stony all over. I expected to hear a yell of
surprise and
terror, and made a
movement, but had not the strength
to get on my legs. Everything remained still. Had my second self
taken the poor
wretch by the
throat? I don't know what I would