morning. I am grown
confoundedly
ashamed of mine.
HARDCASTLE. I beg, Mr. Marlow, you'll use no
ceremony in this house.
HASTINGS. I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half the
battle. I intend
opening the
campaign with the white and gold.
HARDCASTLE. Mr. Marlow--Mr. Hastings--gentlemen--pray be under no
constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do
just as you please here.
MARLOW. Yet, George, if we open the
campaign too
fiercely at first, we
may want
ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the
embroidery to secure a
retreat.
HARDCASTLE. Your talking of a
retreat, Mr. Marlow, puts me in mind of
the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to
besiege Denain. He first
summoned the
garrison----
MARLOW. Don't you think the ventre d'or
waistcoat will do with the
plain brown?
HARDCASTLE. He first summoned the
garrison, which might consist of
about five thousand men----
HASTINGS. I think not: brown and yellow mix but very poorly.
HARDCASTLE. I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, be summoned the
garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men----
MARLOW. The girls like finery.
HARDCASTLE. Which might consist of about five thousand men, well
appointed with stores,
ammunition, and other implements of war. Now,
says the Duke of Marlborough to George Brooks, that stood next to
him--you must have heard of George Brooks--I'll pawn my dukedom, says
he, but I take that
garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So----
MARLOW. What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the
mean time; it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour.
HARDCASTLE. Punch, sir! (Aside.) This is the most unaccountable kind
of
modesty I ever met with.
MARLOW. Yes, sir, punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey,
will be comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know.
HARDCASTLE. Here's a cup, sir.
MARLOW. (Aside.) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let
us have just what he pleases.
HARDCASTLE. (Taking the cup.) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I
have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the
ingredients are tolerable. Will you be so good as to
pledge me, sir?
Here, Mr. Marlow, here is to our better
acquaintance. [Drinks.]
MARLOW. (Aside.) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character,
and I'll
humour him a little. Sir, my service to you. [Drinks.]
HASTINGS. (Aside.) I see this fellow wants to give us his company,
and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has
learned to be a
gentleman.
MARLOW. From the
excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you
have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work,
now and then, at elections, I suppose.
HARDCASTLE. No, sir, I have long given that work over. Since our
betters have hit upon the
expedient of electing each other, there is no
business "for us that sell ale."
HASTINGS. So, then, you have no turn for
politics, I find.
HARDCASTLE. Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted
myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding
myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better,
I left it to mend itself. Since that, I no more trouble my head about
Hyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croker. Sir, my service to
you.
HASTINGS. So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with
receiving your friends within, and
amusing them without, you lead a
good pleasant bustling life of it.
HARDCASTLE. I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the
differences of the
parish are adjusted in this very parlour.
MARLOW. (After drinking.) And you have an
argument in your cup, old
gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall.
HARDCASTLE. Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little
philosophy.
MARLOW. (Aside.) Well, this is the first time I ever heard of an
innkeeper's
philosophy.
HASTINGS. So then, like an
experienced general, you attack them on
every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with
your
philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with
this. Here's your health, my
philosopher. [Drinks.]
HARDCASTLE. Good, very good, thank you; ha! ha! Your generalship puts
me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of
Belgrade. You shall hear.
MARLOW. Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time
to talk about supper. What has your
philosophy got in the house for
supper?
HARDCASTLE. For supper, sir! (Aside.) Was ever such a request to a
man in his own house?
MARLOW. Yes, sir, supper, sir; I begin to feel an
appetite. I shall
make
devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you.
HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Such a
brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld.
(To him.) Why, really, sir, as for supper I can't well tell. My
Dorothy and the cook-maid settle these things between them. I leave
these kind of things entirely to them.
MARLOW. You do, do you?
HARDCASTLE. Entirely. By the bye, I believe they are in actual
consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen.
MARLOW. Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council.
It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always chose to
regulate my
own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, sir.
HARDCASTLE. O no, sir, none in the least; yet I don't know how; our
Bridget, the cook-maid, is not very communicative upon these
occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the
house.
HASTINGS. Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a
favour. I always match my
appetite to my bill of fare.
MARLOW. (To HARDCASTLE, who looks at them with surprise.) Sir, he's
very right, and it's my way too.
HARDCASTLE. Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger,
bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper: I believe it's drawn
out--Your manner, Mr. Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel
Wallop. It was a
saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper
till he had eaten it.
HASTINGS. (Aside.) All upon the high rope! His uncle a colonel! we
shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of the peace. But let's
hear the bill of fare.
MARLOW. (Perusing.) What's here? For the first course; for the
second course; for the
dessert. The devil, sir, do you think we have
brought down a whole Joiners' Company, or the
corporation of Bedford,
to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and
comfortable, will do.
HASTINGS. But let's hear it.
MARLOW. (Reading.) For the first course, at the top, a pig and prune
sauce.
HASTINGS. Damn your pig, I say.
MARLOW. And damn your prune sauce, say I.
HARDCASTLE. And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig with
prune sauce is very good eating.
MARLOW. At the bottom, a calf's tongue and brains.
HASTINGS. Let your brains be knocked out, my good sir, I don't like
them.
MARLOW. Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do.
HARDCASTLE. (Aside.) Their impudence
confounds me. (To them.)
Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is
there anything else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen?
MARLOW. Item, a pork pie, a boiled
rabbit and sausages, a Florentine,
a shaking
pudding, and a dish of tiff--taff--taffety cream.
HASTINGS. Confound your made dishes; I shall be as much at a loss in
this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's
table. I'm for plain eating.
HARDCASTLE. I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if
there be anything you have a particular fancy to----
MARLOW. Why, really, sir, your bill of fare is so
exquisite, that any
one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please.
So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are aired, and
properly taken care of.
HARDCASTLE. I
entreat you'll leave that to me. You shall not stir a
step.
MARLOW. Leave that to you! I protest, sir, you must excuse me, I
always look to these things myself.
HARDCASTLE. I must insist, sir, you'll make yourself easy on that
head.
MARLOW. You see I'm
resolved on it. (Aside.) A very troublesome
fellow this, as I ever met with.
HARDCASTLE. Well, sir, I'm
resolved at least to attend you. (Aside.)
This may be modem
modesty, but I never saw anything look so like
old-fashioned impudence. [Exeunt MARLOW and HARDCASTLE.]
HASTINGS. (Alone.) So I find this fellow's civilities begin to grow
troublesome. But who can be angry at those assiduities which are meant
to please him? Ha! what do I see? Miss Neville, by all that's happy!
Enter MISS NEVILLE.
MISS NEVILLE. My dear Hastings! To what
unexpected good fortune, to
what accident, am I to
ascribe this happy meeting?
HASTINGS. Rather let me ask the same question, as I could never have
hoped to meet my dearest Constance at an inn.
MISS NEVILLE. An inn! sure you mistake: my aunt, my
guardian, lives
here. What could induce you to think this house an inn?
HASTINGS. My friend, Mr. Marlow, with whom I came down, and I, have
been sent here as to an inn, I assure you. A young fellow, whom we
accidentally met at a house hard by, directed us hither.
MISS NEVILLE. Certainly it must be one of my
hopeful cousin's tricks,
of whom you have heard me talk so often; ha! ha! ha!
HASTINGS. He whom your aunt intends for you? he of whom I have such
just apprehensions?
MISS NEVILLE. You have nothing to fear from him, I assure you. You'd
adore him, if you knew how
heartily he despises me. My aunt knows it
too, and has undertaken to court me for him, and
actually begins to
think she has made a conquest.
HASTINGS. Thou dear dissembler! You must know, my Constance, I have
just seized this happy opportunity of my friend's visit here to get
admittance into the family. The horses that carried us down are now
fatigued with their journey, but they'll soon be refreshed; and then,
if my dearest girl will trust in her
faithful Hastings, we shall soon
be landed in France, where even among slaves the laws of marriage are
respected.
MISS NEVILLE. I have often told you, that though ready to obey you, I
yet should leave my little fortune behind with
reluctance. The
greatest part of it was left me by my uncle, the India
director, and
chiefly consists in jewels. I have been for some time persuading my
aunt to let me wear them. I fancy I'm very near succeeding. The
instant they are put into my possession, you shall find me ready to
make them and myself yours.
HASTINGS. Perish the baubles! Your person is all I desire. In the
mean time, my friend Marlow must not be let into his mistake. I know
the strange reserve of his
temper is such, that if
abruptly informed of
it, he would
instantly quit the house before our plan was ripe for
execution.
MISS NEVILLE. But how shall we keep him in the
deception? Miss
Hardcastle is just returned from walking; what if we still continue to
deceive him?----This, this way----[They confer.]
Enter MARLOW.
MARLOW. The assiduities of these good people teaze me beyond bearing.
My host seems to think it ill manners to leave me alone, and so he
claps not only himself, but his
old-fashioned wife, on my back. They
talk of coming to sup with us too; and then, I suppose, we are to run
the gantlet through all the rest of the family.--What have we got here?
HASTINGS. My dear Charles! Let me
congratulate you!--The most
fortunate accident!--Who do you think is just alighted?
MARLOW. Cannot guess.
HASTINGS. Our mistresses, boy, Miss Hardcastle and Miss Neville.