sometimes in such circumstances. And to his
horror he felt himself
driven to regret almost that the usages of a society ready to forgive
the shooting of a
burglarforbade him, under the circumstances, even
as much as a thought of murder. Nevertheless, he clenched his fists
and set his teeth hard. And he was afraid at the same time. He was
afraid with that penetrating faltering fear that seems, in the very
middle of a beat, to turn one's heart into a
handful of dust. The
contamination of her crime spread out, tainted the
universe, tainted
himself; woke up all the dormant infamies of the world; caused a
ghastly kind of clairvoyance in which he could see the towns and
fields of the earth, its
sacred places, its
temples and its houses,
peopled by monsters--by monsters of duplicity, lust, and murder. She
was a monster--he himself was thinking
monstrous thoughts . . . and
yet he was like other people. How many men and women at this very
moment were plunged in abominations--meditated crimes. It was
frightful to think of. He remembered all the streets--the well-to-do
streets he had passed on his way home; all the
innumerable houses with
closed doors and curtained windows. Each seemed now an abode of
anguish and folly. And his thought, as if appalled, stood still,
recalling with
dismay the decorous and
frightful silence that was
like a
conspiracy; the grim, impenetrable silence of miles of walls
concealing passions,
misery, thoughts of crime. Surely he was not the
only man; his was not the only house . . . and yet no one knew--no one
guessed. But he knew. He knew with unerring certitude that could not
be deceived by the correct silence of walls, of closed doors, of
curtained windows. He was beside himself with a
despairing agitation,
like a man informed of a
deadly secret--the secret of a calamity
threatening the safety of mankind--the
sacredness, the peace of life.
He caught sight of himself in one of the looking-glasses. It was a
relief. The
anguish of his feeling had been so powerful that he more
than half expected to see some distorted wild face there, and he was
pleasantly surprised to see nothing of the kind. His
aspect, at any
rate, would let no one into the secret of his pain. He examined
himself with attention. His
trousers were turned up, and his boots a
little muddy, but he looked very much as usual. Only his hair was
lightly" target="_blank" title="ad.轻微地;细长的">
slightly ruffled, and that
disorder, somehow, was so
suggestive of
trouble that he went quickly to the table, and began to use the
brushes, in an
anxious desire to obliterate the compromising trace,
that only
vestige of his
emotion. He brushed with care, watching the
effect of his smoothing; and another face,
lightly" target="_blank" title="ad.轻微地;细长的">
slightly pale and more
tense than was perhaps
desirable, peered back at him from the toilet
glass. He laid the brushes down, and was not satisfied. He took them
up again and brushed, brushed mechanically--forgot himself in that
occupation. The
tumult of his thoughts ended in a
sluggish flow of
reflection, such as, after the
outburst of a
volcano, the almost
imperceptible progress of a
stream of lava, creeping languidly over a
convulsed land and pitilessly obliterating any
landmark left by the
shock of the
earthquake. It is a
destructive but, by
comparison, it is
a
peacefulphenomenon. Alvan Hervey was almost soothed by the
deliberate pace of his thoughts. His moral
landmarks were going one by
one, consumed in the fire of his experience, buried in hot mud, in
ashes. He was cooling--on the surface; but there was enough heat left
somewhere to make him slap the brushes on the table, and turning away,
say in a
fiercewhisper: "I wish him joy . . . Damn the woman."
He felt himself utterly corrupted by her wickedness, and the most
significantsymptom of his moral
downfall was the bitter, acrid
satisfaction with which he recognized it. He,
deliberately, swore in
his thoughts; he meditated sneers; he shaped in
profound silence words
of
cynical unbelief, and his most cherished
convictions stood revealed
finally as the narrow prejudices of fools. A crowd of shapeless,
unclean thoughts crossed his mind in a stealthy rush, like a band of
veiled malefactors hastening to a crime. He put his hands deep into
his pockets. He heard a faint ringing somewhere, and muttered to
himself: "I am not the only one . . . not the only one." There was
another ring. Front door!
His heart leaped up into his
throat, and
forthwith descended as low as
his boots. A call! Who? Why? He wanted to rush out on the
landing and
shout to the servant: "Not at home! Gone away abroad!" . . . Any
excuse. He could not face a
visitor. Not this evening. No. To-morrow.
. . . Before he could break out of the
numbness that enveloped him
like a sheet of lead, he heard far below, as if in the entrails of the
earth, a door close heavily. The house vibrated to it more than to a
clap of
thunder. He stood still, wishing himself
invisible. The room
was very
chilly. He did not think he would ever feel like that. But
people must be met--they must be faced--talked to--smiled at. He
heard another door, much nearer--the door of the drawing-room--being
opened and flung to again. He imagined for a moment he would faint.
How absurd! That kind of thing had to be gone through. A voice spoke.
He could not catch the words. Then the voice spoke again, and
footsteps were heard on the first floor
landing. Hang it all! Was he
to hear that voice and those footsteps
whenever any one spoke or
moved? He thought: "This is like being haunted--I suppose it will last
for a week or so, at least. Till I forget. Forget! Forget!" Someone
was coming up the second
flight of stairs. Servant? He listened,
then, suddenly, as though an
incredible,
frightfulrevelation had
been shouted to him from a distance, he bellowed out in the empty
room: "What! What!" in such a fiendish tone as to
astonish himself.
The footsteps stopped outside the door. He stood openmouthed, maddened
and still, as if in the midst of a
catastrophe. The door-handle
rattled
lightly. It seemed to him that the walls were coming apart,
that the furniture swayed at him; the ceiling slanted queerly for a
moment, a tall
wardrobe tried to topple over. He caught hold of
something and it was the back of a chair. So he had reeled against a
chair! Oh! Confound it! He gripped hard.
The
flamingbutterfly poised between the jaws of the
bronze dragon
radiated a glare, a glare that seemed to leap up all at once into a
crude, blinding
fierceness, and made it difficult for him to
distinguish
plainly the figure of his wife
standingupright with her
back to the closed door. He looked at her and could not
detect her
breathing. The harsh and
violent light was
beating on her, and he
was amazed to see her
preserve so well the
composure of her
uprightattitude in that scorching
brilliance which, to his eyes, enveloped
her like a hot and consuming mist. He would not have been surprised if
she had vanished in it as suddenly as she had appeared. He stared and
listened; listened for some sound, but the silence round him was
absolute--as though he had in a moment grown completely deaf as well
as dim-eyed. Then his
hearing returned, preternaturally sharp. He
heard the
patter of a rain-shower on the window panes behind the
lowered blinds, and below, far below, in the
artificial abyss of the
square, the deadened roll of wheels and the splashy trotting of a
horse. He heard a groan also--very
distinct--in the room--close to
his ear.
He thought with alarm: "I must have made that noise myself;" and at
the same
instant the woman left the door, stepped
firmly across the
floor before him, and sat down in a chair. He knew that step. There
was no doubt about it. She had come back! And he very nearly said
aloud "Of course!"--such was his sudden and masterful
perception of
the indestructible
character of her being. Nothing could destroy her--
and nothing but his own
destruction could keep her away. She was the
incarnation of all the short moments which every man spares out of his
life for dreams, for precious dreams that
concrete the most cherished,
the most
profitable of his illusions. He peered at her with inward
trepidation. She was
mysterious,
significant, full of obscure meaning
--like a
symbol. He peered, bending forward, as though he had been
discovering about her things he had never seen before. Unconsciously
he made a step towards her--then another. He saw her arm make an
ample,
decidedmovement and he stopped. She had lifted her veil. It
was like the lifting of a vizor.
The spell was broken. He
experienced a shock as though he had been
called out of a
trance by the sudden noise of an
explosion. It was
even more
startling and more
distinct; it was an
infinitely more
intimate change, for he had the
sensation of having come into this
room only that very moment; of having returned from very far; he was
made aware that some
essential part of himself had in a flash returned
into his body, returned finally from a
fierce and
lamentable region,
from the dwelling-place of unveiled hearts. He woke up to an amazing
infinity of
contempt, to a droll
bitterness of wonder, to a
disenchanted
conviction of safety. He had a
glimpse of the
irresistible force, and he saw also the barrenness of his
convictions--of her
convictions. It seemed to him that he could never
make a mistake as long as he lived. It was morally impossible to go
wrong. He was not elated by that certitude; he was dimly
uneasy about
its price; there was a chill as of death in this
triumph of sound
principles, in this
victory snatched under the very shadow of
disaster.
The last trace of his
previous state of mind vanished, as the
instantaneous and elusive trail of a bursting
meteor vanishes on the
profoundblackness of the sky; it was the faint
flicker of a painful
thought, gone as soon as perceived, that nothing but her