drove through the streets of Paris, lolling on the soft cushions of a

fine equipage. I plunged into dissipation, into corroding vice, I
desired and possessed everything, for fasting had made me light-headed

like the tempted Saint Anthony. Slumber, happily, would put an end at
last to these devastating trances; and on the morrow science would

beckon me, smiling, and I was faithful to her. I imagine that women
reputed virtuous, must often fall a prey to these insane tempests of

desire and passion, which rise in us in spite of ourselves. Such
dreams have a charm of their own; they are something akin to evening

gossip round the winter fire, when one sets out for some voyage in
China. But what becomes of virtue during these delicious excursions,

when fancy overleaps all difficulties?
"During the first ten months of seclusion I led the life of poverty

and solitude that I have described to you; I used to steal out
unobserved every morning to buy my own provisions for the day; I

tidied my room; I was at once master and servant, and played the
Diogenes with incredible spirit. But afterwards, while my hostess and

her daughter watched my ways and behavior, scrutinized my appearance
and divined my poverty, there could not but be some bonds between us;

perhaps because they were themselves so very poor. Pauline, the
charming child, whose latent and unconscious grace had, in a manner,

brought me there, did me many services that I could not well refuse.
All women fallen on evil days are sisters; they speak a common

language; they have the same generosity--the generosity that possesses
nothing, and so is lavish of its affection, of its time, and of its

very self.
"Imperceptibly Pauline took me under her protection, and would do

things for me. No kind of objection was made by her mother, whom I
even surprised mending my linen; she blushed for the charitable

occupation. In spite of myself, they took charge of me, and I accepted
their services.

"In order to understand the peculiar condition of my mind, my
preoccupation with work must be remembered, the tyranny of ideas, and

the instinctive repugnance that a man who leads an intellectual life
must ever feel for the material details of existence. Could I well

repulse the delicate attentions of Pauline, who would noiselessly
bring me my frugalrepast, when she noticed that I had taken nothing

for seven or eight hours? She had the tact of a woman and the
inventiveness of a child; she would smile as she made sign to me that

I must not see her. Ariel glided under my roof in the form of a sylph
who foresaw every want of mine.

"One evening Pauline told me her story with touchingsimplicity. Her
father had been a major in the horse grenadiers of the Imperial Guard.

He had been taken prisoner by the Cossacks, at the passage of
Beresina; and when Napoleon later on proposed an exchange, the Russian

authorities made search for him in Siberia in vain; he had escaped
with a view of reaching India, and since then Mme. Gaudin, my

landlady, could hear no news of her husband. Then came the disasters
of 1814 and 1815; and, left alone and without resource, she had

decided to let furnished lodgings in order to keep herself and her
daughter.

"She always hoped to see her husband again. Her greatest trouble was
about her daughter's education; the Princess Borghese was her

Pauline's godmother; and Pauline must not be unworthy of the fair
future promised by her imperial protectress. When Mme. Gaudin confided

to me this heavy trouble that preyed upon her, she said, with sharp
pain in her voice, 'I would give up the property and the scrap of

paper that makes Gaudin a baron of the empire, and all our rights to
the endowment of Wistchnau, if only Pauline could be brought up at

Saint-Denis?' Her words struck me; now I could show my gratitude for
the kindnesses expended on me by the two women; all at once the idea

of offering to finish Pauline's education occurred to me; and the
offer was made and accepted in the most perfect simplicity. In this

way I came to have some hours of recreation. Pauline had natural
aptitude; she learned so quickly, that she soon surpassed me at the

piano. As she became accustomed to think aloud in my presence, she
unfolded all the sweet refinements of a heart that was opening itself

out to life, as some flower-cup opens slowly to the sun. She listened
to me, pleased and thoughtful, letting her dark velvet eyes rest upon

me with a half smile in them; she repeated her lessons in soft and
gentle tones, and showed childish glee when I was satisfied with her.

Her mother grew more and more anxious every day to shield the young
girl from every danger (for all the beauty promised in early life was

developing in the crescent moon), and was glad to see her spend whole
days indoors in study. My piano was the only one she could use, and

while I was out she practised on it. When I came home, Pauline would
be in my room, in her shabby dress, but her slightest movement

revealed her slender figure in its attractive grace, in spite of the
coarse materials that she wore. As with the heroine of the fable of

'Peau-d'Ane,' a dainty foot peeped out of the clumsy shoes. But all
her wealth of girlish beauty was as lost upon me. I had laid commands

upon myself to see a sister only in Pauline. I dreaded lest I should
betray her mother's faith in me. I admired the lovely girl as if she

had been a picture, or as the portrait of a dead mistress; she was at
once my child and my statue. For me, another Pygmalion, the maiden

with the hues of life and the living voice was to become a form of
inanimate marble. I was very strict with her, but the more I made her

feel my pedagogue's severity, the more gentle and submissive she grew.
"If a generous feeling strengthened me in my reserve and self-

restraint, prudent considerations were not lacking beside. Integrity
of purpose cannot, I think, fail to accompany integrity in money

matters. To my mind, to become insolvent or to betray a woman is the
same sort of thing. If you love a young girl, or allow yourself to be

beloved by her, a contract is implied, and its conditions should be
thoroughly understood. We are free to break with the woman who sells

herself, but not with the young girl who has given herself to us and
does not know the extent of her sacrifice. I must have married

Pauline, and that would have been madness. Would it not have given
over that sweet girlish heart to terrible misfortunes? My poverty made

its selfish voice heard, and set an iron barrier between that gentle
nature and mine. Besides, I am ashamed to say, that I cannot imagine

love in the midst of poverty. Perhaps this is a vitiation due to that
malady of mankind called civilization; but a woman in squalid poverty

would exert no fascination over me, were she attractive as Homer's
Galatea, the fair Helen.

"Ah, vive l'amour! But let it be in silk and cashmere, surrounded with
the luxury which so marvelously embellishes it; for is it not perhaps

itself a luxury? I enjoy making havoc with an elaborateerection of
scented hair; I like to crush flowers, to disarrange and crease a

smart toilette at will. A bizarre attraction lies for me in burning
eyes that blaze through a lace veil, like flame through cannon smoke.

My way of love would be to mount by a silkenladder, in the silence of
a winter night. And what bliss to reach, all powdered with snow, a

perfumed room, with hangings of painted silk, to find a woman there,
who likewise shakes away the snow from her; for what other name can be

found for the white muslin wrappings that vaguelydefine her, like
some angel form issuing from a cloud! And then I wish for furtive

joys, for the security of audacity. I want to see once more that woman
of mystery, but let it be in the throng, dazzling, unapproachable,

adored on all sides, dressed in laces and ablaze with diamonds, laying
her commands upon every one; so exalted above us, that she inspires

awe, and none dares to pay his homage to her.
"She gives me a stolen glance, amid her court, a look that exposes the

unreality of all this; that resigns for me the world and all men in
it! Truly I have scorned myself for a passion for a few yards of lace,

velvet, and fine lawn, and the hairdresser's feats of skill; a love of
wax-lights, a carriage and a title, a heraldic coronet painted on

window panes, or engraved by a jeweler; in short, a liking for all
that is adventitious and least woman in woman. I have scorned and

reasoned with myself, but all in vain.
"A woman of rank with her subtle smile, her high-born air, and self-

esteem captivates me. The barriers she erects between herself and the
world awaken my vanity, a good half of love. There would be more

relish for me in bliss that all others envied. If my mistress does
nothing that other women do, and neither lives nor conducts herself

like them, wears a cloak that they cannot attain, breathes a perfume
of her own, then she seems to rise far above me. The further she rises

from earth, even in the earthlier aspects of love, the fairer she
becomes for me.

"Luckily for me we have had no queen in France these twenty years, for
I should have fallen in love with her. A woman must be wealthy to

acquire the manners of a princess. What place had Pauline among these
far-fetched imaginings? Could she bring me the love that is death,

that brings every faculty into play, the nights that are paid for by
life? We hardly die, I think, for an insignificant girl who gives

herself to us; and I could never extinguish these feelings and poet's
dreams within me. I was born for an inaccessible love, and fortune has