And I am going to
denounce you too.
BOEOTIAN
What harm have I done you?
NICARCHUS
I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you
introduce lampwicks from an enemy's country.
DICAEOPOLIS
Then you even
denounce a wick.
NICARCHUS
It needs but one to set an
arsenal afire.
DICAEOPOLIS
A wick set an
arsenal ablaze! But how, great gods?
NICARCHUS
Should a Boeotian
attach it to an
insect's wing, and,
takingadvantage of a
violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into
the
arsenal and the fire once get hold of the
vessels, everything
would soon be
devoured by the flames.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! wretch! an
insect and a wick
devour everything!
(He strikes him.)
NICARCHUS (to the CHORUS)
You will bear
witness, that he mishandles me.
DICAEOPOLIS (to the BOEOTIAN)
Shut his mouth. Give me some hay; I am going to pack him up like a
vase, that he may not get broken on the road.
(The INFORMER is bound and gagged and packed in hay.)
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not
break it when
taking it away.
DICAEOPOLIS
I shall take great care with it. (He hits the INFORMER on the head
and a stifled cry is heard.) One would say he is
cracked already; he
rings with a false note, which the gods abhor.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But what will be done with him?
DICAEOPOLIS
This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a
vessel for
holding all foul things, a
mortar for pounding together
law-suits, a lamp for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the
mixing up and poisoning of everything.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
None could ever trust a
vessel for
domestic use that has such a
ring about it.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if care is
taken to hang it head downwards.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS (to the BOEOTIAN)
There! it is well packed now!
BOEOTIAN
Well then, I will proceed to carry off my bundle.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this informer, good for
anything, and fling him where you like.
DICAEOPOLIS
Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack! Here!
Boeotian, pick up your pottery.
BOEOTIAN
Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be very
careful with it.
DICAEOPOLIS
You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you will
profit by your
bargain; the informers will bring you luck.
(The BOEOTIAN and his slave depart; DICAEOPOLIS goes into his house;
a slave comes out of LAMACHUS' house.)
SLAVE
Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS (from within)
What's the matter? Why are you
calling me?
SLAVE
Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups, and I come by his
order to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a
Copaic eel.
DICAEOPOLIS (coming out)
And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel?
SLAVE (in
tragic style)
He is the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, who is always
brandishing his
fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which
o'ershadow his helmet.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his buckler.
Let him eat salt fish while he shakes his plumes, and, if he comes
here making any din, I shall call the inspectors. As for myself, I
shall take away all these goods; (in
tragic style) I go home on
thrushes' wings and black-birds' pinions. (He goes into his house.)
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes to
his
prudence, to his
profoundwisdom. You see how, since he has
concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to
eat hot. All good things flow towards him unsought. Never will welcome
the god of war in my house; never shall he sing the "Harmodius" at
my table; he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are
overflowing with good things and brings all manner of
mischief in
his train. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; it is vain to make him a
thousand offers, to say "be seated, pray, and drink this cup, profered
in all friendship"; he burns our vine-stocks and brutally spills on
the ground the wine from our vineyards.
SECOND SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
This man, on the other hand, covers his table with a thousand
dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these feathers cast
before his door to show us how he lives. (A woman appears,
bearing the
attributes of Peace.) Oh, Peace!
companion of fair Aphrodite and of
the sweet Graces, how
charming are thy features and yet I never knew
it! Would that Eros might join me to thee, Eros crowned with roses
as Zeuxis shows him to us! Do I seem somewhat old to thee? I am yet
able to make thee a threefold
offering;
despite my age I could plant a
long row of vines for you; then beside these some tender cuttings from
the fig; finally a youn, vinestock, loaded with fruit, and all
around the field olive trees, to furnish us with oil
wherewith to
anoint us both at the New Moons.
(A HERALD enters.)
HERALD
Oyez, oyez! As was the custom of your forebears, empty a full
pitcher of wine at the call of the
trumpet; he who first sees the
bottom shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly.
DICAEOPOLIS (coming out of the house; to his family within)
Women, children, have you not heard? Faith! do you not heed the
herald? Quick! let the hares boil and roast
merrily; keep them
turning;
withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets; reach
me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes.
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
I envy you your
wisdom and even more your good cheer.
DICAEOPOLIS
What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting?
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
Ah! true indeed!
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave! stir up the fire.
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook! How well he
understands the way to prepare a good dinner!
(A HUSBANDMAN enters in haste.)
HUSBANDMAN
Ah! woe is me!
DICAEOPOLIS
Heracles! What have we here?
HUSBANDMAN
A most
miserable man.
DICAEOPOLIS
Keep your
misery for yourself.
HUSBANDMAN
Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a part of
your truce, were it but five years.
DICAEOPOLIS
What has happened to you?
HUSBANDMAN
I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers.
DICAEOPOLIS
How?
HUSBANDMAN
The Boeotians seized them at Phyle.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! poor wretch! and do you still wear white?
HUSBANDMAN
Their dung made my wealth.
DICAEOPOLIS
What can I do in the matter?
HUSBANDMAN
Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight. Ah! if you care
for poor Dercetes of Phyle,
anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of
peace.
DICAEOPOLIS
But, my poor fellow, I do not
practise medicine.
HUSBANDMAN
Come, I adjure you; perhaps I shall recover my steers.
DICAEOPOLIS
Impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of Pittalus.
HUSBANDMAN
Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this little reed.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, not a
particle; go and weep somewhere else.
HUSBANDMAN (as he departs)
Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts!
LEADER OF SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
This man has discovered the sweetest
enjoyment in peace; he will
share it with none.
DICAEOPOLIS (to a slave)
Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry.
LEADER OF SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
What lofty tones he uses! Did you hear him?
DICAEOPOLIS (to the slaves inside the house)
Get the eels on the gridiron!
LEADER OF SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
You are killing me with
hunger; your smoke is choking your
neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling.
DICAEOPOLIS
Have this fried and let it be
nicely browned.
(He goes back into the house. A WEDDING GUEST enters, carrying a
package.)
WEDDING GUEST
Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
Who are you?
WEDDING GUEST
A young
bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage feast.
DICAEOPOLIS
Whoever he be, I thank him.
WEDDING GUEST
And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into this
vase, that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home
to make love to his young wife.
DICAEOPOLIS