Chorus will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe them with my
subtle phrases.
EURIPIDES
I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an
ingenious brain like yours.
DICAEOPOLIS
Rest happy, and may it
befall Telephus as I wish. Ah, I already
feel myself filled with quibbles. But I must have a
beggar's staff.
EURIPIDES (handing him a staff)
Here you are, and now get away from this porch.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, my soul! You see how you are
driven from this house, when I
still need so many accessories. But let us be pressing, obstinate,
importunate. Euripides, give me a little basket with a lamp lighted
inside.
EURIPIDES
Whatever do you want such a thing as that for?
DICAEOPOLIS
I do not need it, but I want it all the same.
EURIPIDES (handing him a basket)
You importune me; get out of here!
DICAEOPOLIS
Alas! may the gods grant you a
destiny as
brilliant as your
mother's."
EURIPIDES
Leave me in peace.
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, just a little broken cup.
EURIPIDES (handing him a cup)
Take it and go and hang yourself. (to himself) What a tiresome
fellow!
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me. Dear, good
Euripides, just a little pot with a
sponge for a stopper.
EURIPIDES
Miserable man! You are stealing a whole
tragedy. Here, take it and
be off.
(He hands DICAEOPOLIS a pot.)
DICAEOPOLIS
I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I
have it, am a dead man. Hearken, my little Euripides, only give me
this and I go, never to return. For pity's sake, do give me a few
small herbs for my basket.
EURIPIDES
You wish to ruin me then. Here, take what you want; but it is
all over with my plays!
(He hands him some herbs.)
DICAEOPOLIS
I won't ask another thing; I'm going. I am too importunate and
forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings. (He starts to leave,
then returns quickly) Ah!
wretch that I am! I am lost! I have
forgotten one thing, without which all the rest is as nothing.
Euripides, my excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides, may I die
if I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the last,
absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your mother left
you in her will.
EURIPIDES
Insolent hound! Slave, lock the door! (The eccyclema turns back
again.)
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, my soul! we must go away without the chervil. Art thou
sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in
defending the Lacedaemonians? Courage, my soul, we must
plunge into
the midst of it. Dost thou
hesitate and art thou fully steeped in
Euripides? That's right! do not
falter, my poor heart, and let us risk
our head to say what we hold for truth. Courage and
boldly to the
front. I am astonished at my bravery.
(He approaches the block.)
CHORUS (singing; excitedly)
What do you
purport doing? what are you going to say? What an
impudent fellow! what a
brazen heart! to dare to stake his head and
uphold an opinion
contrary to that of us all! And he does not
tremble to face this peril Come, it is you who desired it, speak!
DICAEOPOLIS
Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a
beggar, I dare in
comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the public weal; even
Comedy can sometimes
discern what is right. I shall not please, but
I shall say what is true. Besides, Cleon shall not be able to
accuseme of attacking Athens before strangers; we are by ourselves at the
festival of the Lenaea; the time when our
allies send us their tribute
and their soldiers is not yet here. There is only the pure wheat
without the chaff; as to the
resident aliens settled among us, they
and the citizens are one, like the straw and the ear.
I
detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may Posidon,
the god of Taenarus, cause an
earthquake and
overturn their dwellings!
My vines too have been cut. But come (there are only friends who
hear me), why
accuse the Laconians of all our woes? Some men (I do not
say the city, note particularly that I do not say the city), some
wretches, lost in vices,
bereft of honour, who were not even
citizens of good stamp, but strangers, have
accused the Megarians of
introducing their produce fraudulently, and not a
cucumber, a leveret,
a suckling pig, a clove of
garlic, a lump of salt was seen without its
being said, "Halloa! these come from Megara," and their being
instantly confiscated. Thus far the evil was not serious and we were
the only sufferers. But now some young drunkards go to Megara and
carry off the harlot Simaetha; the Megarians, hurt to the quick, run
off in turn with two harlots of the house of Aspasia; and so for three
whores Greece is set ablaze. Then Pericles, aflame with ire on his
Olympian
height, let loose the
lightning, caused the
thunder to
roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, which ran like the song, "That
the Megarians be banished both from our land and from our markets
and from the sea and from the continent." Meanwhile the Megarians, who
were
beginning to die of
hunger, begged the Lacedaemonians to bring
about the
abolition of the
decree, of which those harlots were the
cause; several times we refused their demand; and from that time there
was
horribleclatter of arms everywhere. You will say that Sparta
was wrong, but what should she have done? Answer that. Suppose that
a Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian dog on any pretext and
had sold it, would you have endured it quietly? Far from it, you would
at once have sent three hundred vessels to sea, and what an uproar
there would have been through all the city I there it's a band of
noisy soldiery, here a brawl about the
election of a Trierarch;
elsewhere pay is being distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are
being regilded, crowds are surging under the market porticos,
encumbered with wheat that is being measured, wine-skins,
oar-leathers,
garlic, olives, onions in nets; everywhere are chaplets,
sprats, flute-girls, black eyes; in the
arsenal bolts are being
noisily
driven home, sweeps are being made and fitted with leathers;
we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of flutes and fifes to
encourage the workers. That is what you
assuredly would have done, and
would not Telephus have done the same? So I come to my general
conclusion; we have no common sense.
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
Oh!
wretch! oh!
infamous man! You are
naught but a
beggar and
yet you dare to talk to us like this! you
insult their worships the
informers!
LEADER OF SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a single
detail.
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI-CHORUS
But though it be true, need he say it? But you'll have no great
cause to be proud of your insolence!
LEADER OF SECOND SEMI-CHORUS
Where are you
running to? Don't you move; if you strike this
man, I shall be at you.
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (bursting into song)
Oh! Lamachus, whose glance flashes
lightning, whose plume
petrifies thy foes, help! Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero of my
tribe and all of you, both officers and soldiers, defenders of our
walls, come to my aid; else is it all over with me!
(LAMACHUS comes out of his house armed from head to foot.)
LAMACHUS
Whence comes this cry of battle? where must I bring my aid?
where must I sow dread? who wants me to uncase my
dreadful Gorgon's
head?
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, Lamachus, great hero! Your plumes and your cohorts
terrify me.
CHORUS-LEADER
This man, Lamachus,
incessantly abuses Athens.
LAMACHUS
You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this sort?
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh, brave Lamachus,
forgive a
beggar who speaks at hazard.
LAMACHUS
But what have you said? Let us hear.
DICAEOPOLIS
I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me dizzy.
Oh! I adjure you, take that
fearful Gorgon somewhat farther away.
LAMACHUS
There.
DICAEOPOLIS
Now place it face
downwards on the ground.
LAMACHUS
It is done.
DICAEOPOLIS
Give me a plume out of your helmet.
LAMACHUS
Here is a
feather.
DICAEOPOLIS
And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my stomach.
LAMACHUS
Hah! what are you proposing to do? do you want to make yourself
vomit with this
feather?
DICAEOPOLIS
Is it a
feather? what bird's? a braggart's?
LAMACHUS
Hah! I will rip you open.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, no, Lamachus! Violence is out of place here! But as you are so
strong, why did you not circumcise me? You have all the tools you need
for the operation there.
LAMACHUS
A
beggar dares thus address a general!
DICAEOPOLIS
How? Am I a
beggar?
LAMACHUS
What are you then?
DICAEOPOLIS
Who am I? A good citizen, not
ambitious; a soldier, who has fought
well since the
outbreak of the war,
whereas you are but a vile
mercenary.
LAMACHUS
They elected me....
DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, three cuckoos did! If I have concluded peace, it was
disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks and
young fellows of your age shirking service. Some are in Thrace getting
an
allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisamenophaenippus and
Panurgipparchides. The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men
like Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same
kidney, too, at Camarina, at Gela, and at Catagela.