introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of
Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most
earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is
perfectlyabsurd your
saying that your name isn't Ernest. It's on your
cards. Here is one of them. [Taking it from case.] 'Mr. Ernest
Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.' I'll keep this as a proof that your
name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to
Gwendolen, or to any one else. [Puts the card in his pocket.]
JACK. Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and
the cigarette case was given to me in the country.
ALGERNON. Yes, but that does not
account for the fact that your
small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear
uncle. Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at
once.
JACK. My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a
dentist. It
is very
vulgar to talk like a
dentist when one isn't a
dentist. It
produces a false impression,
ALGERNON. Well, that is exactly what
dentists always do. Now, go
on! Tell me the whole thing. I may mention that I have always
suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am
quite sure of it now.
JACK. Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?
ALGERNON. I'll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable
expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are
Ernest in town and Jack in the country.
JACK. Well, produce my cigarette case first.
ALGERNON. Here it is. [Hands cigarette case.] Now produce your
explanation, and pray make it
improbable. [Sits on sofa.]
JACK. My dear fellow, there is nothing
improbable about my
explanation at all. In fact it's
perfectly ordinary. Old Mr.
Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in
his will
guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew.
Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that
you could not possibly
appreciate, lives at my place in the country
under the
charge of her
admirablegoverness, Miss Prism.
ALGERNON. Where in that place in the country, by the way?
JACK. That is nothing to you, dear boy. You are not going to be
invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in
Shropshire.
ALGERNON. I suspected that, my dear fellow! I have Bunburyed all
over Shropshire on two separate occasions. Now, go on. Why are
you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?
JACK. My dear Algy, I don't know whether you will be able to
understand my real motives. You are hardly serious enough. When
one is placed in the position of
guardian, one has to adopt a very
high moral tone on all subjects. It's one's duty to do so. And as
a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either
one's health or one's happiness, in order to get up to town I have
always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest,
who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most
dreadful scrapes.
That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.
ALGERNON. The truth is
rarely pure and never simple. Modern life
would be very
tedious if it were either, and modern
literature a
complete impossibility!
JACK. That wouldn't be at all a bad thing.
ALGERNON. Literary
criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow.
Don't try it. You should leave that to people who haven't been at
a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you
really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in
saying you were a
Bunburyist. You are one of the most
advanced Bunburyists I know.
JACK. What on earth do you mean?
ALGERNON. You have invented a very useful younger brother called
Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often
as you like. I have invented an
invaluablepermanentinvalidcalled Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the
country
whenever I choose. Bunbury is
perfectlyinvaluable. If it
wasn't for Bunbury's
extraordinary bad health, for
instance, I
wouldn't be able to dine with you at Willis's to-night, for I have
been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.
JACK. I haven't asked you to dine with me
anywhere to-night.
ALGERNON. I know. You are
absurdly
careless about sending out
invitations. It is very foolish of you. Nothing annoys people so
much as not receiving invitations.
JACK. You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.
ALGERNON. I haven't the smallest
intention of doing anything of
the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week
is quite enough to dine with one's own relations. In the second
place,
whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of
the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two. In
the third place, I know
perfectly well whom she will place me next
to, to-night. She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always
flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table. That is not
very pleasant. Indeed, it is not even
decent . . . and that sort
of thing is
enormously on the increase. The
amount of women in
London who flirt with their own husbands is
perfectly scandalous.
It looks so bad. It in simply washing one's clean linen in public.
Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I
naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying. I want to tell you
the rules.
JACK. I'm not a Bunburyist at all. If Gwendolen accepts me, I am
going to kill my brother, indeed I think I'll kill him in any case.
Cecily is a little too much interested in him. It is rather a
bore. So I am going to get rid of Ernest. And I
strongly advise
you to do the same with Mr . . . with your
invalid friend who has
the
absurd name.
ALGERNON. Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you
ever get married, which seems to me
extremely problematic, you will
be very glad to know Bunbury. A man who marries without knowing
Bunbury has a very
tedious time of it.
JACK. That is
nonsense. If I marry a
charming girl like
Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I
would marry, I certainly won't want to know Bunbury.
ALGERNON. Then your wife will. You don't seem to realise, that in
married life three is company and two is none.
JACK. [Sententiously.] That, my dear young friend, is the theory
that the
corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last
fifty years.
ALGERNON. Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half
the time.
JACK. For heaven's sake, don't try to be
cynical. It's
perfectlyeasy to be
cynical.
ALGERNON. My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays.
There's such a lot of
beastlycompetition about. [The sound of an
electric bell is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only
relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now,
if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have
an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-
night at Willis's?
JACK. I suppose so, if you want to.
ALGERNON. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people
who are not serious about meals. It is so
shallow of them.
[Enter LANE.]
Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
[ALGERNON goes forward to meet them. Enter LADY BRACKNELL and
GWENDOLEN.]
LADY BRACKNELL. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are
behaving very well.
ALGERNON. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
LADY BRACKNELL. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two
things
rarely go together. [Sees JACK and bows to him with icy
coldness.]
ALGERNON. [To GWENDOLEN.] Dear me, you are smart!
GWENDOLEN. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?
JACK. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLEN. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for
developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.
[GWENDOLEN and JACK sit down together in the corner.]
LADY BRACKNELL. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I
was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there
since her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered;
she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I'll have a cup of
tea, and one of those nice
cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
ALGERNON. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]
LADY BRACKNELL. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?
GWENDOLEN. Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.
ALGERNON. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens!
Lane! Why are there no
cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them
specially.
LANE. [Gravely.] There were no
cucumbers in the market this
morning, sir. I went down twice.
ALGERNON. No
cucumbers!
LANE. No, sir. Not even for ready money.
ALGERNON. That will do, Lane, thank you.
LANE. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]
ALGERNON. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being
no
cucumbers, not even for ready money.
LADY BRACKNELL. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some
crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely
for pleasure now.
ALGERNON. I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.
LADY BRACKNELL. It certainly has changed its colour. From what
cause I, of course, cannot say. [ALGERNON crosses and hands tea.]
Thank you. I've quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon. I am
going to send you down with Mary Farquhar. She is such a nice
woman, and so
attentive to her husband. It's
delightful to watch
them.
ALGERNON. I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the
pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.
LADY BRACKNELL. [Frowning.] I hope not, Algernon. It would put
my table completely out. Your uncle would have to dine upstairs.
Fortunately he is accustomed to that.
ALGERNON. It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible
disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a
telegram to
say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again. [Exchanges
glances with JACK.] They seem to think I should be with him.
LADY BRACKNELL. It is very strange. This Mr. Bunbury seems to
suffer from
curiously bad health.
ALGERNON. Yes; poor Bunbury is a
dreadfulinvalid.
LADY BRACKNELL. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is
high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to
live or to die. This shilly-shallying with the question is
absurd.
Nor do I in any way
approve of the modern
sympathy with
invalids.
I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be
encouraged in others. Health is the
primary duty of life. I am
always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take
much notice . . . as far as any
improvement in his
ailment goes. I
should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be
kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to
arrange my music for me. It is my last
reception, and one wants
something that will
encourage conversation, particularly at the end
of the season when every one has practically said
whatever they had
to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.
ALGERNON. I'll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still
conscious, and I think I can promise you he'll be all right by
Saturday. Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if
one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one plays bad
music people don't talk. But I'll ran over the programme I've
drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.
LADY BRACKNELL. Thank you, Algernon. It is very
thoughtful of
you. [Rising, and following ALGERNON.] I'm sure the programme
will be
delightful, after a few expurgations. French songs I