CECILY. With pleasure!
GWENDOLEN. And you will always call me Gwendolen, won't you?
CECILY. If you wish.
GWENDOLEN. Then that is all quite settled, is it not?
CECILY. I hope so. [A pause. They both sit down together.]
GWENDOLEN. Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my
mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell. You have never
heard of papa, I suppose?
CECILY. I don't think so.
GWENDOLEN. Outside the family
circle, papa, I am glad to say, is
entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should be. The home
seems to me to be the proper
sphere for the man. And certainly
once a man begins to
neglect his
domestic duties he becomes
painfully
effeminate, does he not? And I don't like that. It
makes men so very
attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views on
education are
remarkablystrict, has brought me up to be
extremelyshort-sighted; it is part of her
system; so do you mind my looking
at you through my glasses?
CECILY. Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond of being looked
at.
GWENDOLEN. [After examining CECILY carefully through a lorgnette.]
You are here on a short visit, I suppose.
CECILY. Oh no! I live here.
GWENDOLEN. [Severely.] Really? Your mother, no doubt, or some
female
relative of
advanced years, resides here also?
CECILY. Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.
GWENDOLEN. Indeed?
CECILY. My dear
guardian, with the
assistance of Miss Prism, has
the
arduous task of looking after me.
GWENDOLEN. Your
guardian?
CECILY. Yes, I am Mr. Worthing's ward.
GWENDOLEN. Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had
a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly.
I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of
unmixed delight. [Rising and going to her.] I am very fond of
you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you! But I am bound
to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing's ward, I
cannot help expressing a wish you were - well, just a little older
than you seem to be - and not quite so very
alluring in appearance.
In fact, if I may speak candidly -
CECILY. Pray do! I think that
whenever one has anything
unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.
GWENDOLEN. Well, to speak with perfect
candour, Cecily, I wish
that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your
age. Ernest has a strong
upright nature. He is the very soul of
truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as
deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral
characterare
extremelysusceptible to the influence of the
physical charms
of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with
many most
painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so,
indeed, History would be quite unreadable.
CECILY. I beg your
pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?
GWENDOLEN. Yes.
CECILY. Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my
guardian.
It is his brother - his elder brother.
GWENDOLEN. [Sitting down again.] Ernest never mentioned to me
that he had a brother.
CECILY. I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a
long time.
GWENDOLEN. Ah! that accounts for it. And now that I think of it I
have never heard any man mention his brother. The subject seems
distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted a load from my
mind. I was growing almost
anxious. It would have been terrible
if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not?
Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest
Worthing who is your
guardian?
CECILY. Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact, I am going to be his.
GWENDOLEN. [Inquiringly.] I beg your
pardon?
CECILY. [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest Gwendolen, there is
no reason why I should make a secret of it to you. Our little
county newspaper is sure to
chronicle the fact next week. Mr.
Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.
GWENDOLEN. [Quite
politely, rising.] My
darling Cecily, I think
there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to
me. The
announcement will appear in the MORNING POST on Saturday
at the latest.
CECILY. [Very
politely, rising.] I am afraid you must be under
some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago.
[Shows diary.]
GWENDOLEN. [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.] It
is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday
afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to
verify the
incident, pray
do so. [Produces diary of her own.] I never travel without my
diary. One should always have something
sensational to read in the
train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any
disappointment to
you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.
CECILY. It would
distress me more than I can tell you, dear
Gwendolen, if it caused you any
mental or
physicalanguish, but I
feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he
clearly has changed his mind.
GWENDOLEN. [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow has been entrapped
into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to
rescue him
at once, and with a firm hand.
CECILY. [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate
entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach
him with it after we are married.
GWENDOLEN. Do you
allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement?
You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more
than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.
CECILY. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into
an
engagement? How dare you? This is no time for wearing the
shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I call it a spade.
GWENDOLEN. [Satirically.] I am glad to say that I have never seen
a spade. It is
obvious that our social
spheres have been widely
different.
[Enter MERRIMAN, followed by the
footman. He carries a salver,
table cloth, and plate stand. CECILY is about to
retort. The
presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under
which both girls chafe.]
MERRIMAN. Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?
CECILY. [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual. [MERRIMAN
begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause. CECILY and
GWENDOLEN glare at each other.]
GWENDOLEN. Are there many interesting walks in the
vicinity, Miss
Cardew?
CECILY. Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of one of the hills
quite close one can see five counties.
GWENDOLEN. Five counties! I don't think I should like that; I
hate crowds.
CECILY. [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live in town?
[GWENDOLEN bites her lip, and beats her foot
nervously with her
parasol.]
GWENDOLEN. [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept garden this is,
Miss Cardew.
CECILY. So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.
GWENDOLEN. I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.
CECILY. Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people
are in London.
GWENDOLEN. Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to
exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does. The country
always bores me to death.
CECILY. Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural
depression, is it not? I believe the
aristocracy are suffering
very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic
amongst them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss
Fairfax?
GWENDOLEN. [With
elaborate politeness.] Thank you. [Aside.]
Detestable girl! But I require tea!
CECILY. [Sweetly.] Sugar?
GWENDOLEN. [Superciliously.] No, thank you. Sugar is not
fashionable any more. [CECILY looks
angrily at her, takes up the
tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]
CECILY. [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter?
GWENDOLEN. [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter, please. Cake
is
rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.
CECILY. [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the
tray.] Hand that to Miss Fairfax.
[MERRIMAN does so, and goes out with
footman. GWENDOLEN drinks the
tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches out her
hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake.
Rises in indignation.]
GWENDOLEN. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though
I asked most
distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me
cake. I am known for the
gentleness of my
disposition, and the
extraordinary
sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew,
you may go too far.
CECILY. [Rising.] To save my poor,
innocent,
trusting boy from
the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I
would not go.
GWENDOLEN. From the moment I saw you I distrusted you. I felt
that you were false and
deceitful. I am never deceived in such
matters. My first impressions of people are
invariably right.
CECILY. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on
your
valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a
similar
character to make in the neighbourhood.
[Enter JACK.]
GWENDOLEN. [Catching sight of him.] Ernest! My own Ernest!
JACK. Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss her.]
GWENDOLEN. [Draws back.] A moment! May I ask if you are engaged
to be married to this young lady? [Points to CECILY.]
JACK. [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily! Of course not! What
could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?
GWENDOLEN. Thank you. You may! [Offers her cheek.]
CECILY. [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some
misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at
present round your waist is my
guardian, Mr. John Worthing.
GWENDOLEN. I beg your
pardon?
CECILY. This is Uncle Jack.
GWENDOLEN. [Receding.] Jack! Oh!
[Enter ALGERNON.]
CECILY. Here is Ernest.
ALGERNON. [Goes straight over to CECILY without noticing any one
else.] My own love! [Offers to kiss her.]
CECILY. [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest! May I ask you - are
you engaged to be married to this young lady?
ALGERNON. [Looking round.] To what young lady? Good heavens!
Gwendolen!
CECILY. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.
ALGERNON. [Laughing.] Of course not! What could have put such an
idea into your pretty little head?
CECILY. Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.] You may.
[ALGERNON kisses her.]
GWENDOLEN. I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew. The
gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon
Moncrieff.
CECILY. [Breaking away from ALGERNON.] Algernon Moncrieff! Oh!
[The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round
each other's waists protection.]
CECILY. Are you called Algernon?
ALGERNON. I cannot deny it.
CECILY. Oh!