so
solemnly placed over the seal; we give the young
maiden to him
who has best known how to secure our wavour. Name me another duty that
is so important and so irresponsible.
BDELYCLEON
Aye, it's a fine
privilege, and the only one on which I can
congratulate you; but surely to
violate the will is to act badly
towards the heiress.
PHILOCLEON
And if the Senate and the people have trouble in deciding some
important case, it is decreed to send the culprits before the
Heliasts; then Euathlus and the
illustrious Colaconymus, who cast away
his
shield, swear not to
betray us and to fight for the people. Did
ever an
orator carry the day with his opinion if he had not first
declared that the jury should be dismissed for the day as soon as they
had given their first
verdict? We are the only ones whom Cleon, the
great bawler, does not
badger. On the
contrary, he protects and
caresses us; he keeps off the flies, which is what you have never done
for your father. Theorus, who is a man not less
illustrious than
Euphemius, takes the
sponge out of the pot and blacks our shoes. See
then what good things you
deprive and despoil me of. Pray, is this
obeying or being a slave, as you
pretended to be able to prove?
BDELYCLEON
Talk away to your heart's content; you must come to a stop at last
and then you shall see that this grand power only resembles an anus;
no matter how much you wash it, you can never get it clean.
PHILOCLEON
But I am forgetting the most
pleasing thing of all. When I
return home with my pay,
everyone runs to greet me because of my
money. First my daughter bathes me, anoints my feet, stoops to kiss me
and, while she is
calling me "her dearest father," fishes out my
triobolus with her tongue; then my little wife comes to wheedle me and
brings a nice light cake; she sits beside me and
entreats me in a
thousand ways, "Do take this now; do have some more." All this
delights me hugely, and I have no need to turn towards you or the
steward to know when it shall please him to serve my dinner, all the
while cursing and grumbling. But if he does not quickly knead my cake,
I have something which is my defence, my
shield against all ills. If
you do not pour me out drink, I have brought this long-eared jar
full of wine. How it brays, when I bend back and bury its neck in my
mouth! It farts like a whole army, and how I laugh at your wine-skins.
(With increasing excitement) As to power, am I not equal to the king
of the gods? If our
assembly is noisy, all say as they pass, "Great
gods! the
tribunal is rolling out its thunder!" If I let loose the
lightning, the richest, aye, the noblest are half dead with
terror and
crap for
fright. You yourself are afraid of me, yea, by Demeter! you
are afraid. But may I die if you
frighten me.
CHORUS (singing)
Never have I heard speech so
elegant or so sensible.
PHILOCLEON
Ah! he thought he had only to turn me round his finger; he should,
however have known the
vigour of my eloquence.
CHORUS (singing)
He has said everything without
omission. I felt myself grow taller
while I listened to him. Methought myself meting out justice in the
Islands of the Blest, so much was I taken with the charm of his words.
BDELYCLEON
How overjoyed they are! What
extravagant delight! Ah! ah! you
are going to get a thrashing to-day.
CHORUS (singing)
Come, plot everything you can to beat him; 'tis not easy to soften
me if you do no talk on my side.
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
If you have nothing but
nonsense to spout, it's time to buy a good
millstone,
freshly cut
withal, to crush my anger.
BDELYCLEON
The cure of a disease, so inveterate and so
widespread in
Athens, is a difficult task and of too great importance for the
scope of
comedy. Nevertheless, my old father....
PHILOCLEON
Cease to call me by that name, for, if you do not prove me a slave
and that quickly too, you must die by my hand, even if I must be
deprived of my share in the
sacred feasts.
BDELYCLEON
Listen to me, dear little father, unruffle that frowning brow
and
reckon, you can do so without trouble, not with pebbles, but on