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so solemnly placed over the seal; we give the young maiden to him

who has best known how to secure our wavour. Name me another duty that



is so important and so irresponsible.

BDELYCLEON



Aye, it's a fine privilege, and the only one on which I can

congratulate you; but surely to violate the will is to act badly



towards the heiress.

PHILOCLEON



And if the Senate and the people have trouble in deciding some

important case, it is decreed to send the culprits before the



Heliasts; then Euathlus and the illustrious Colaconymus, who cast away

his shield, swear not to betray us and to fight for the people. Did



ever an orator carry the day with his opinion if he had not first

declared that the jury should be dismissed for the day as soon as they



had given their first verdict? We are the only ones whom Cleon, the

great bawler, does not badger. On the contrary, he protects and



caresses us; he keeps off the flies, which is what you have never done

for your father. Theorus, who is a man not less illustrious than



Euphemius, takes the sponge out of the pot and blacks our shoes. See

then what good things you deprive and despoil me of. Pray, is this



obeying or being a slave, as you pretended to be able to prove?

BDELYCLEON



Talk away to your heart's content; you must come to a stop at last

and then you shall see that this grand power only resembles an anus;



no matter how much you wash it, you can never get it clean.

PHILOCLEON



But I am forgetting the most pleasing thing of all. When I

return home with my pay, everyone runs to greet me because of my



money. First my daughter bathes me, anoints my feet, stoops to kiss me

and, while she is calling me "her dearest father," fishes out my



triobolus with her tongue; then my little wife comes to wheedle me and

brings a nice light cake; she sits beside me and entreats me in a



thousand ways, "Do take this now; do have some more." All this

delights me hugely, and I have no need to turn towards you or the



steward to know when it shall please him to serve my dinner, all the

while cursing and grumbling. But if he does not quickly knead my cake,



I have something which is my defence, my shield against all ills. If

you do not pour me out drink, I have brought this long-eared jar



full of wine. How it brays, when I bend back and bury its neck in my

mouth! It farts like a whole army, and how I laugh at your wine-skins.



(With increasing excitement) As to power, am I not equal to the king

of the gods? If our assembly is noisy, all say as they pass, "Great



gods! the tribunal is rolling out its thunder!" If I let loose the

lightning, the richest, aye, the noblest are half dead with terror and



crap for fright. You yourself are afraid of me, yea, by Demeter! you

are afraid. But may I die if you frighten me.



CHORUS (singing)

Never have I heard speech so elegant or so sensible.



PHILOCLEON

Ah! he thought he had only to turn me round his finger; he should,



however have known the vigour of my eloquence.

CHORUS (singing)



He has said everything without omission. I felt myself grow taller

while I listened to him. Methought myself meting out justice in the



Islands of the Blest, so much was I taken with the charm of his words.

BDELYCLEON



How overjoyed they are! What extravagant delight! Ah! ah! you

are going to get a thrashing to-day.



CHORUS (singing)

Come, plot everything you can to beat him; 'tis not easy to soften



me if you do no talk on my side.

LEADER OF THE CHORUS



If you have nothing but nonsense to spout, it's time to buy a good

millstone, freshly cut withal, to crush my anger.



BDELYCLEON

The cure of a disease, so inveterate and so widespread in



Athens, is a difficult task and of too great importance for the

scope of comedy. Nevertheless, my old father....



PHILOCLEON

Cease to call me by that name, for, if you do not prove me a slave



and that quickly too, you must die by my hand, even if I must be

deprived of my share in the sacred feasts.



BDELYCLEON

Listen to me, dear little father, unruffle that frowning brow



and reckon, you can do so without trouble, not with pebbles, but on




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