sooner had I done so and won his money for the first time than his
temper became
intolerable; his eyes glittered like those of tigers,
his face shrivelled, his brows knit as I never saw brows knit before
or since. His complainings were those of a
fretful child. Sometimes he
flung down the dice, quivered with rage, bit the dice-box, and said
insulting things to me. Such
violence, however, came to an end. When I
had acquired enough
mastery of the game I played it to suit me; I so
managed that we were nearly equal up to the last moment; I allowed him
to win the first half and made matters even during the last half. The
end of the world would have surprised him less than the rapid
superiority of his pupil; but he never admitted it. The unvarying
result of our games was a topic of
discourse on which he fastened.
"My poor head," he would say, "is fatigued; you manage to win the last
of the game because by that time I lose my skill."
The
countess, who knew backgammon, understood my manoeuvres from the
first, and gave me those mute thanks which swell the heart of a young
man; she granted me the same look she gave to her children. From that
ever-blessed evening she always looked at me when she spoke. I cannot
explain to you the condition I was in when I left her. My soul had
annihilated my body; it weighed nothing; I did not walk, I flew. That
look I carried within me; it bathed me with light just as her last
words, "Adieu,
monsieur," still sounded in my soul with the harmonies
of "O filii, o filioe" in the paschal choir. I was born into a new
life, I was something to her! I slept on
purple and fine linen. Flames
darted before my closed eyelids, chasing each other in the darkness
like threads of fire in the ashes of burned paper. In my dreams her
voice became, though I cannot describe it, palpable, an
atmosphere of
light and
fragrancewrapping me, a
melody enfolding my spirit. On the
morrow her greeting expressed the fulness of feelings that remained
unuttered, and from that moment I was initiated into the secrets of
her voice.
That day was to be one of the most
decisive of my life. After dinner
we walked on the heights across a
barren plain where no herbage grew;
the ground was stony, arid, and without
vegetable soil of any kind;
nevertheless a few scrub oaks and
thorny bushes straggled there, and
in place of grass, a
carpet of crimped mosses, illuminated by the
setting sun and so dry that our feet slipped upon it. I held Madeleine
by the hand to keep her up. Madame de Mortsauf was leading Jacques.
The count, who was in front, suddenly turned round and
striking the
earth with his cane said to me in a
dreadful tone: "Such is my life!--
but before I knew you," he added with a look of penitence at his wife.
The
reparation was tardy, for the
countess had turned pale; what woman
would not have staggered as she did under the blow?
"But what
delightful scenes are wafted here, and what a view of the
sunset!" I cried. "For my part I should like to own this
barren moor;
I fancy there may be treasures if we dig for them. But its greatest
wealth is that of being near you. Who would not pay a great cost for
such a view?--all
harmony to the eye, with that winding river where
the soul may bathe among the ash-trees and the alders. See the
difference of taste! To you this spot of earth is a
barren waste; to
me, it is paradise."
She thanked me with a look.
"Bucolics!" exclaimed the count, with a bitter look. "This is no life
for a man who bears your name." Then he suddenly changed his tone--
"The bells!" he cried, "don't you hear the bells of Azay? I hear them
ringing."
Madame de Mortsauf gave me a frightened look. Madeleine clung to my
hand.
"Suppose we play a game of backgammon?" I said. "Let us go back; the
rattle of the dice will drown the sound of the bells."
We returned to Clochegourde, conversing by fits and starts. Once in
the salon an indefinable
uncertainty and dread took possession of us.
The count flung himself into an
armchair, absorbed in reverie, which
his wife, who knew the symptoms of his
malady and could
foresee an
outbreak, was careful not to
interrupt. I also kept silence. As she
gave me no hint to leave, perhaps she thought backgammon might divert
the count's mind and quiet those fatal
nervous susceptibilities, the
excitements of which were killing him. Nothing was ever harder than to
make him play that game, which, however, he had a great desire to
play. Like a pretty woman, he always required to be coaxed, entreated,
forced, so that he might not seem the obliged person. If by chance,
being interested in the conversation, I forgot to propose it, he grew
sulky, bitter,
insulting, and spoiled the talk by contradicting
everything. If, warned by his ill-humor, I suggested a game, he would
dally and demur. "In the first place, it is too late," he would say;
"besides, I don't care for it." Then followed a
series of affectations
like those of women, which often leave you in
ignorance of their real
wishes.
On this occasion I pretended a wild
gaiety to induce him to play. He
complained of giddiness which hindered him from calculating; his
brain, he said, was squeezed into a vice; he heard noises, he was
choking; and
thereupon he sighed heavily. At last, however, he
consented to the game. Madame de Mortsauf left us to put the children
to bed and lead the household in family prayers. All went well during
her
absence; I allowed Monsieur de Mortsauf to win, and his delight
seemed to put him beside himself. This sudden change from a gloom that
led him to make the darkest predictions to the wild joy of a drunken
man, expressed in a crazy laugh and without any
adequate motive,
distressed and alarmed me. I had never seen him in quite so marked a
paroxysm. Our
intimacy had borne fruits in the fact that he no longer
restrained himself before me. Day by day he had endeavored to bring me
under his
tyranny, and
obtain fresh food, as it were, for his evil
temper; for it really seems as though moral diseases were creatures
with appetites and instincts, seeking to
enlarge the boundaries of
their empire as a
landowner seeks to increase his domain.
Presently the
countess came down, and sat close to the backgammon
table,
apparently for better light on her
embroidery, though the
anxiety which led her to place her frame was ill-concealed. A piece of
fatal ill-luck which I could not prevent changed the count's face;
from
gaiety it fell to gloom, from
purple it became yellow, and his
eyes rolled. Then followed worse ill-luck, which I could neither avert
nor
repair. Monsieur de Mortsauf made a fatal throw which
decided the
game. Instantly he
sprang up, flung the table at me and the lamp on
the floor, struck the chimney-piece with his fist and jumped, for I
cannot say he walked, about the room. The
torrent of
insults,
imprecations, and incoherent words which rushed from his lips would
have made an
observer think of the old tales of satanic possession in
the Middle Ages. Imagine my position!
"Go into the garden," said the
countess, pressing my hand.
I left the room before the count could notice my
disappearance. On the
terrace, where I slowly walked about, I heard his shouts and then his
moans from the bedroom which adjoined the dining-room. Also I heard at
intervals through that
tempest of sound the voice of an angel, which
rose like the song of a
nightingale as the rain ceases. I walked about
under the acacias in the loveliest night of the month of August,
waiting for the
countess to join me. I knew she would come; her
gesture promised it. For several days an
explanation seemed to float
between us; a word would
suffice to send it gushing from the spring,
overfull, in our souls. What timidity had thus far delayed a perfect
understanding between us? Perhaps she loved, as I did, these
quiverings of the spirit which resembled emotions of fear and numbed
the sensibilities while we held our life unuttered within us,
hesitating to unveil its secrets with the
modesty of the young girl
before the husband she loves. An hour passed. I was sitting on the
brick balustrade when the sound of her footsteps blending with the
undulating
ripple of her flowing gown stirred the calm air of the
night. These are sensations to which the heart
suffices not.
"Monsieur de Mortsauf is sleeping," she said. "When he is thus I give
him an infusion of poppies, a cup of water in which a few poppies have
been steeped; the attacks are so infrequent that this simple remedy
never loses its effect--Monsieur," she continued, changing her tone