sure (though, when attending the sick, I never felt disgust) forget

my own sensations, when rising with health and spirit, and after
scenting the sweet morning, I have met my husband at the breakfast

table. The active attention I had been giving to domestic
regulations, which were generally settled before he rose, or a

walk, gave a glow to my countenance, that contrasted with his
squallid appearance. The squeamishness of stomach alone, produced

by the last night's intemperance, which he took no pains to conceal,
destroyed my appetite. I think I now see him lolling in an arm-chair,

in a dirty powdering gown, soiled linen, ungartered stockings, and
tangled hair, yawning and stretching himself. The newspaper was

immediately called for, if not brought in on the tea-board, from
which he would scarcely lift his eyes while I poured out the tea,

excepting to ask for some brandy to put into it, or to declare that
he could not eat. In answer to any question, in his best humour,

it was a drawling 'What do you say, child?' But if I demanded money
for the house expences, which I put off till the last moment, his

customary reply, often prefaced with an oath, was, 'Do you think
me, madam, made of money?'--The butcher, the baker, must wait; and,

what was worse, I was often obliged to witness his surly dismission
of tradesmen, who were in want of their money, and whom I sometimes

paid with the presents my uncle gave me for my own use.
At this juncture my father's mistress, by terrifying his

conscience, prevailed on him to marry her; he was already become
a methodist; and my brother, who now practised for himself, had

discovered a flaw in the settlement made on my mother's children,
which set it aside, and he allowed my father, whose distress made

him submit to any thing, a tithe of his own, or rather our fortune.
My sisters had left school, but were unable to endure home,

which my father's wife rendered as disagreeable as possible, to
get rid of girls whom she regarded as spies on her conduct. They

were accomplished, yet you can (may you never be reduced to the
same destitute state!) scarcely conceive the trouble I had to place

them in the situation of governesses, the only one in which even
a well-educated woman, with more than ordinary talents, can struggle

for a subsistence; and even this is a dependence next to menial.
Is it then surprising, that so many forlorn women, with human

passions and feelings, take refuge in infamy? Alone in large
mansions, I say alone, because they had no companions with whom

they could converse on equal terms, or from whom they could expect
the endearments of affection, they grew melancholy, and the sound

of joy made them sad; and the youngest, having a more delicate
frame, fell into a decline. It was with great difficulty that I,

who now almost supported the house by loans from my uncle, could
prevail on the _master_ of it, to allow her a room to die in.

I watched her sick bed for some months, and then closed her eyes,
gentle spirit! for ever. She was pretty, with very engaging manners;

yet had never an opportunity to marry, excepting to a very old man.
She had abilities sufficient to have shone in any profession, had

there been any professions for women, though she shrunk at the name
of milliner or mantua-maker as degrading to a gentlewoman. I would

not term this feeling false pride to any one but you, my child,
whom I fondly hope to see (yes; I will indulge the hope for a

moment!) possessed of that energy of character which gives dignity
to any station; and with that clear, firm spirit that will enable

you to choose a situation for yourself, or submit to be classed in
the lowest, if it be the only one in which you can be the mistress

of your own actions.
"Soon after the death of my sister, an incident occurred, to

prove to me that the heart of a libertine is dead to natural
affection; and to convince me, that the being who has appeared all

tenderness, to gratify a selfishpassion, is as regardless of the
innocent fruit of it, as of the object, when the fit is over.

I had casually observed an old, meanlooking woman, who called on my
husband every two or three months to receive some money. One day

entering the passage of his little counting-house, as she was going
out, I heard her say, 'The child is very weak; she cannot live

long, she will soon die out of your way, so you need not grudge
her a little physic.'

"'So much the better,' he replied,' and pray mind your own
business, good woman.'

"I was struck by his unfeeling, inhuman tone of voice, and
drew back, determined when the woman came again, to try to speak

to her, not out of curiosity, I had heard enough, but with the hope
of being useful to a poor, outcast girl.

"A month or two elapsed before I saw this woman again; and
then she had a child in her hand that tottered along, scarcely able

to sustain her own weight. They were going away, to return at the
hour Mr. Venables was expected; he was now from home. I desired

the woman to walk into the parlour. She hesitated, yet obeyed.
I assured her that I should not mention to my husband (the word

seemed to weigh on my respiration), that I had seen her, or his
child. The woman stared at me with astonishment; and I turned my

eyes on the squalid object [that accompanied her.] She could hardly
support herself, her complexion was sallow, and her eyes inflamed,

with an indescribable look of cunning, mixed with the wrinkles
produced by the peevishness of pain.

"Poor child!' I exclaimed. 'Ah! you may well say poor child,'
replied the woman. 'I brought her here to see whether he would

have the heart to look at her, and not get some advice. I do not
know what they deserve who nursed her. Why, her legs bent under

her like a bow when she came to me, and she has never been well
since; but, if they were no better paid than I am, it is not to be

wondered at, sure enough.'
"On further enquiry I was informed, that this miserable

spectacle was the daughter of a servant, a country girl, who caught
Mr. Venables' eye, and whom he seduced. On his marriage he sent

her away, her situation being too visible. After her delivery, she
was thrown on the town; and died in an hospital within the year.

The babe was sent to a parish-nurse, and afterwards to this woman,
who did not seem much better; but what was to be expected from such

a close bargain? She was only paid three shillings a week
for board and washing.

"The woman begged me to give her some old clothes for the
child, assuring me, that she was almost afraid to ask master for

money to buy even a pair of shoes.
"I grew sick at heart. And, fearing Mr. Venables might enter,

and oblige me to express my abhorrence, I hastily enquired where
she lived, promised to pay her two shillings a week more, and to

call on her in a day or two; putting a trifle into her hand as a
proof of my good intention.

"If the state of this child affected me, what were my feelings
at a discovery I made respecting Peggy--?*

* The manuscript is imperfect here. An episode seems
to have been intended, which was never committed to paper.

EDITOR. [Godwin's note]
CHAPTER 1O

"MY FATHER'S situation was now so distressing, that I prevailed on
my uncle to accompany me to visit him; and to lend me his assistance,

to prevent the whole property of the family from becoming the prey
of my brother's rapacity; for, to extricate himself out of present

difficulties, my father was totallyregardless of futurity. I took
down with me some presents for my step-mother; it did not require

an effort for me to treat her with civility, or to forget the past.
"This was the first time I had visited my native village,

since my marriage. But with what different emotions did I return
from the busy world, with a heavy weight of experience benumbing

my imagination, to scenes, that whispered recollections of joy and
hope most eloquently to my heart! The first scent of the wild

flowers from the heath, thrilled through my veins, awakening every
sense to pleasure. The icy hand of despair seemed to be removed

from my bosom; and--forgetting my husband--the nurtured visions of
a romantic mind, bursting on me with all their original wildness

and gay exuberance, were again hailed as sweet realities. I forgot,
with equal facility, that I ever felt sorrow, or knew care in the

country; while a transientrainbow stole athwart the cloudy sky of
despondency. The picturesque form of several favourite trees, and