Chapter 38

A Struggle

When our time came for returning to Bleak House again,

we were punctual to the day, and were received with an

overpowering welcome. I was perfectly restored to

health and strength; and finding my housekeeping keys laid ready

for me in my room, rang myself in as if I had been a new year, with

a merry little peal. "Once more, duty, duty, Esther," said I; "and if

you are not overjoyed to do it, more than cheerfully and

contentedly, through anything and everything, you ought to be.

That's all I have to say to you, my dear!"

The first few mornings were mornings of so much bustle and

business, devoted to such settlements of accounts, such repeated

journeys to and fro between the Growlery and all other parts of

the house, so many rearrangements of drawers and presses, and

such a general new beginning altogether, that I had not a

moment's leisure. But when these arrangements were completed,

and everything was in order, I paid a visit of a few hours to

London, which something in the letter I had destroyed at Chesney

Wold had induced me to decide upon in my own mind.

I made Caddy Jellyby-her maiden name was so natural to me

that I always called her by it-the pretext for this visit; and wrote

her a note previously, asking the favour of her company on a little

business expedition. Leaving home very early in the morning, I

got to London by stage-coach in such good time, that I walked to

Newman Street with the day before me.

Caddy, who had not seen me since her wedding day, was so

glad and so affectionate that I was half inclined to fear I should

make her husband jealous. But he was, in his way, just as bad-I

mean as good; and in short it was the old story, and nobody would

leave me any possibility of doing anything meritorious.

The elder Mr Turveydrop was in bed, I found, and Caddy was

milling his chocolate, which a melancholy little boy who was an

apprentice-it seemed such a curious thing to be apprenticed to

the trade of dancing-was waiting to carry upstairs. Her father-in-

law was extremely kind and considerate, Caddy told me, and they

lived most happily together. (When she spoke of their living

together, she meant that the old gentleman had all the good things

and all the good lodging, while she and her husband had what

they could get, and were poked into two corner rooms over the

Mews.) "And how is your mama, Caddy?" said I.

"Why, I hear of her, Esther," replied Caddy, "through Pa; but I

see very little of her. We are good friends, I am glad to say; but Ma

thinks there is something absurd in my having married a dancing-

master, and she is rather afraid of its extending to her."

It struck me that if Mrs Jellyby had discharged her own natural

duties and obligations, before she swept the horizon with a

telescope in search of others, she would have taken the best

precautions against becoming absurd; but I need scarcely observe

that I kept this to myself.

"And your papa, Caddy?"

"He comes here every evening," returned Caddy, "and is so

fond of sitting in the corner there, that it's a treat to see him."

Looking at the corner, I plainly perceived the mark of Mr

Jellyby's head against the wall. It was consolatory to know that he had found such a resting-place for it.

"And you, Caddy," said I, "you are always busy, I'll be bound?"

"Well, my dear," returned Caddy, "I am indeed; for to tell you a

grand secret, I am qualifying myself to give lessons. Prince's

health is not strong and I want to be able to assist him. What with

schools, and classes here, and private pupils, and the apprentices,

he really has too much to do, poor fellow!"

The notion of the apprentices was still so odd to me, that I

asked Caddy, if there were many of them?

"Four," said Caddy. "One indoor, and three out. They are very

good children; only when they get together they will play-

children-like-instead of attending to their work. So the little boy

you saw just now waltzes by himself in the empty kitchen, and we

distribute the others as well as we can."

"That is only for their steps, of course?" said I.

"Only for their steps," said Caddy. "In that way they practise so

many hours at a time, whatever steps they happen to be upon.

They dance in the academy; and at this time of year we do Figures

at five every morning."

"Why, what a laborious life!" I exclaimed.

"I assure you, my dear," returned Caddy, smiling, "when the

outdoor apprentices ring us up in the morning (the bell rings into

our room, not to disturb old Mr Turveydrop), and when I put up

the window, and see them standing on the doorstep with their

little pumps under their arms, I am actually reminded of the

Sweeps."

All this presented the art to me in a singular light, to be sure.

Caddy enjoyed the effect of her communication, and cheerfully

recounted the particulars of her own studies."You see, my dear, to save expense, I ought to know something

of the Piano, and I ought to know something of the Kit too, and

consequently I have to practise those two instruments as well as

the details of our profession. If Ma had been like anybody else, I

might have had some little musical knowledge to begin upon.

However, I hadn't any; and that part of the work is, at first, a little

discouraging, I must allow. But I have a very good ear, and I am

used to drudgery-I have to thank Ma for that, at all events-and

where there's a will there's a way, you know, Esther, the world

over." Saying these words, Caddy laughingly sat down at a little

jingling square piano, and really rattled off a quadrille with great

spirit. Then she good-humouredly and blushingly got up again,

and while she still laughed herself, said, "Don't laugh at me,

please; that's a dear girl!"

I would sooner have cried, but I did neither. I encouraged her

and praised her with all my heart. For I conscientiously believed,

dancing-master's wife though she was, and dancing-mistress

though in her limited ambition she aspired to be, she had struck

out a natural, wholesome, loving course of industry and

perseverance that was quite as good as a Mission.

"My dear," said Caddy, delighted, "you can't think how you

cheer me. I shall owe you, you don't know how much. What

changes, Esther, even in my small world! You recollect that first

night when I was so unpolite and inky? Who would have thought,

then, of my ever teaching people to dance, of all other possibilities

and impossibilities!"

Her husband, who had left us while we had this chat, now

coming back, preparatory to exercising the apprentices in the ball-

room, Caddy informed me she was quite at my disposal. But it was not my time yet, I was glad to tell her; for I should have been

vexed to take her away then. Therefore we three adjourned to the

apprentices together, and I made one in the dance.

The apprentices were the queerest little people. Besides the

melancholy boy, who, I hoped, had not been made so by waltzing

alone in the empty kitchen, there were two other boys, and one

dirty little limp girl in a gauzy dress. Such a precocious little girl,

with such a dowdy bonnet on (that, too, of a gauzy texture), who

brought her sandled shoes in an old threadbare velvet reticule.

Such mean little boys, when they were not dancing, with string,

and marbles, and cramp-bones in their pockets, and the most

untidy legs and feet-and heels particularly. I asked Caddy what

had made their parents choose this profession for them? Caddy

said she didn't know; perhaps they were designed for teachers;

perhaps for the stage. They were all people in humble

circumstances, and the melancholy boy's mother kept a ginger-

beer shop.

We danced for an hour with great gaiety; the melancholy child

doing wonders with his lower extremities, in which there

appeared to be some sense of enjoyment though it never rose

above his waist. Caddy, while she was observant of her husband,

and was evidently founded upon him, had acquired a grace and

self-possession of her own, which, united to her pretty face and

figure, was uncommonly agreeable. She already relieved him of

much of the instruction of these young people; and he seldom

interfered, except to walk his part in the figure if he had anything

to do in it. He always played the tune. The affectation of the gauzy

child, and her condescension to the boys, was a sight. And thus we

danced an hour by the clock.When the practice was concluded, Caddy's husband made

himself ready to go out of town to a school, and Caddy ran away to

get ready to go out with me. I sat in the ball-room in the interval,

contemplating the apprentices. The two outdoor boys went upon

the staircase to put on their half-boots, and pull the in-door boy's

hair; as I judged from the nature of his objections. Returning with

their jackets buttoned, and their pumps stuck in them, they then

produced packets of cold bread and meat, and bivouacked under a

painted lyre on the wall. The little gauzy child, having whisked her

sandals into the reticule and put on a trodden down pair of shoes,

shook her head into the dowdy bonnet at one shake; and

answering my inquiry whether she liked dancing, by replying,

"not with boys," tied it across her chin and went home

contemptuous.

"Old Mr Turveydrop is so sorry," said Caddy, "that he has not

finished dressing yet, and cannot have the pleasure of seeing you

before you go. You are such a favourite of his, Esther."

I expressed myself much obliged to him, but did not think it

necessary to add that I readily dispensed with this attention.

"It takes him a long time to dress," said Caddy, "because he is

very much looked up to in such things, you know, and has a

reputation to support. You can't think how kind he is to Pa. He

talks to Pa, of an evening, about the Prince Regent, and I never

saw Pa so interested."

There was something in the picture of Mr Turveydrop

bestowing his Deportment on Mr Jellyby, that quite took my fancy.

I asked Caddy if he brought her papa out much?

"No," said Caddy, "I don't know that he does that; but he talks

to Pa, and Pa greatly admires him, and listens, and likes it. Of course I am aware that Pa has hardly any claims to Deportment,

but they get on together delightfully. You can't think what good

companions they make. I never saw Pa take snuff before in my

life; but he takes one pinch out of Mr Turveydrop's box regularly,

and keeps putting it to his nose and taking it away again, all the

evening.

That old Mr Turveydrop should ever, in the chances and

changes of life, have come to the rescue of Mr Jellyby from

Borrioboola Gha, appeared to me to be one of the pleasantest of

oddities.

"As to Peepy," said Caddy, with a little hesitation, "whom I was

most afraid of-next to having any family of my own, Esther-as

an inconvenience to Mr Turveydrop, the kindness of the old

gentleman to that child is beyond everything. He asks to see him,

my dear! He lets him take the newspaper up to him to bed; he

gives him the crusts of his toast to eat; he sends him on little

errands about the house; he tells him to come to me for sixpences.

In short," said Caddy cheerily, "and not to prose, I am a very

fortunate girl, and ought to be very grateful. Where are we going,

Esther?"

"To the Old Street Road," said I; "where I have a few words to

say to the solicitor's clerk, who was sent to meet me at the coach-

office on the very day when I came to London, and first saw you,

my dear. Now I think of it, the gentleman brought us to your

house."

"Then, indeed, I seem to be naturally the person to go with

you," returned Caddy.

To the Old Street Road we went, and there inquired at Mrs

Guppy's residence for Mrs Guppy. Mrs Guppy, occupying the parlours, and having indeed been visibly in danger of cracking

herself like a nut in the front parlour door by peeping out before

she was asked for, immediately presented herself, and requested

us to walk in. She was an old lady in a large cap, with rather a red

nose and rather an unsteady eye, but smiling all over. Her close

little sitting-room was prepared for a visit; and there was a portrait

of her son in it, which I had almost written here, was more like

than life; it insisted upon him with such obstinacy, and was so

determined not to let him off.

Not only was the portrait there, but we found the original there

too. He was dressed in a great many colours, and was discovered

at a table reading law-papers with his forefinger to his forehead.

"Miss Summerson," said Mr Guppy, rising, "this is indeed an

Oasis. Mother, will you be so good as to put a chair for the other

lady, and get out of the gangway."

Mrs Guppy, whose incessant smiling gave her quite a waggish

appearance, did as her son requested; and then sat down in a

corner, holding her pocket-handkerchief to her chest, like a

fomentation, with both hands.

I presented Caddy, and Mr Guppy said that any friend of mine

was more than welcome. I then proceeded to the object of my visit.

"I took the liberty of sending you a note, sir," said I.

Mr Guppy acknowledged the receipt by taking it out of his

breast-pocket, putting it to his lips, and returning it to his pocket

with a bow. Mr Guppy's mother was so diverted that she rolled her

head as she smiled, and made a silent appeal to Caddy with her

elbow.

"Could I speak to you alone for a moment?" said I.

Anything like the jocoseness of Mr Guppy's mother, now, I think I never saw. She made no sound of laughter; but she rolled

her head, and shook it, and put her handkerchief to her mouth,

and appealed to Caddy with her elbow, and her hand, and her

shoulder, and was so unspeakably entertained altogether that it

was with some difficulty she could marshal Caddy through the

folding-door into her bedroom adjoining.

"Miss Summerson," said Mr Guppy, "you will excuse the

waywardness of a parent ever mindful of a son's happiness. My

mother, though highly exasperating to the feelings, is actuated by

maternal dictates."

I could have hardly have believed that anybody could in a

moment have turned so red, or changed so much, as Mr Guppy did

when I now put up my veil.

"I asked the favour of seeing you for a few moments here," said

I, "in preference to calling at Mr Kenge's, because, remembering

what you said on an occasion when you spoke to me in confidence,

I feared I might otherwise cause you some embarrassment, Mr

Guppy."

I caused him embarrassment enough as it was, I am sure. I

never saw such faltering, such confusion, such amazement and

apprehension.

"Miss Summerson," stammered Mr Guppy, "I-I-beg your

pardon, but in our profession-we-we-find it necessary to be

explicit. You have referred to an occasion, miss, when I-when I

did myself the honour of making a declaration which-"

Something seemed to rise in his throat that he could not possibly

swallow. He put his hand there, coughed, made faces, tried again

to swallow it, coughed again, made faces again, looked all around

the room, and fluttered his papers."A kind of giddy sensation has come upon me, miss," he

explained, "which rather knocks me over. I-er-a little subject to

this sort of thing-er-By George!"

I gave him a little time to recover. He consumed it in putting his

hand to his forehead and taking it away again, and in backing his

chair into the corner behind him.

"My intention was to remark, miss," said Mr Guppy, "-dear

me-something bronchial, I think-hem!-to remark that you was

so good on that occasion, as to repel and repudiate that

declaration. You-you wouldn't perhaps object to admit that?

Though no witnesses are present, it might be a satisfaction to-to

your mind-if you was to put in that admission."

"There can be no doubt," said I, "that I declined your proposal

without any reservation or qualification whatever, Mr Guppy."

"Thank you miss," he returned, measuring the table with his

troubled hands. "So far that's satisfactory, and it does you credit.

Er-this is certainly bronchial!-must be in the tubes-er-you

wouldn't perhaps be offended if I was to mention-not that it's

necessary, for your own good sense or any person's sense must

show 'em that-if I was to mention that such declaration on my

part was final, and there terminated?"

"I quite understand that," said I.

"Perhaps-er-it may not be worth the form, but it might be a

satisfaction to your mind-perhaps you wouldn't object to admit

that, miss?" said Mr Guppy.

"I admit it most fully and freely," said I.

"Thank you," returned Mr Guppy. "Very honourable, I am sure.

I regret that my arrangements in life, combined with

circumstances over which I have no control, will put it out of my power ever to fall back upon that offer, or to renew it in any shape

or form whatever; but it will ever be a retrospect entwined-er-

with friendship's bowers." Mr Guppy's bronchitis came to his

relief, and stopped his measurement of the table.

"I may now perhaps mention what I wished to say to you?" I

began.

"I shall be honoured, I am sure," said Mr Guppy. "I am so

persuaded that your own good sense and right feeling, miss, will-

will keep you as square as possible-that I can have nothing but

pleasure, I am sure, in hearing any observation you may wish to

offer."

"You were so good as to imply, on that occasion-"

"Excuse me, miss," said Mr Guppy, "but we had better not

travel out of the record into implication. I cannot admit that I

implied anything."

"You said on that occasion," I recommenced, "that you might

possibly have the means of advancing my interests, and promoting

my fortunes, by making discoveries of which I should be the

subject. I presume that you founded that belief upon your general

knowledge of my being an orphan girl, indebted for everything to

the benevolence of Mr Jarndyce. Now, the beginning and the end

of what I have come to beg of you is, Mr Guppy, that you will have

the kindness to relinquish all idea of so serving me. I have thought

of this sometimes, and I have thought of it most lately-since I

have been ill. At length I have decided, in case you should at any

time recall that purpose, and act upon it any way, to come to you,

and assure you that you are altogether mistaken. You could make

no discovery in reference to me that would do me the least service,

or give me the least pleasure. I am acquainted with my personal history; and I have it in my power to assure you that you never can

advance my welfare by such means. You may, perhaps, have

abandoned this project a long time. If so, excuse my giving you

unnecessary trouble. If not, I entreat you, on the assurance I have

given you, henceforth to lay it aside. I beg you do this, for my

peace."

"I am bound to confess," said Mr Guppy, "that you express

yourself, miss, with that good sense and right feeling for which I

gave you credit. Nothing can be more satisfactory than such right

feeling, and if I mistook any intentions on your part just now, I am

prepared to tender a full apology. I should wish to be understood,

miss, as herebyoffering that apology-limiting it, as your own

good sense and right feeling will point out the necessity of, to the

present proceedings."

I must say for Mr Guppy that the shuffling manner he had had

upon him improved very much. He seemed truly glad to be able to

do something I asked, and he looked ashamed.

"If you will allow me to finish what I have to say at once, so that

I may have no occasion to resume," I went on, seeing him about to

speak, "you will do me a kindness, sir. I come to you as privately as

possible, because you announced this impression of yours to me in

a confidence which I have really wished to respect-and which I

always have respected, as you remember. I have mentioned my

illness. There really is no reason why I should hesitate to say that I

know very well that any little delicacy I might have had in making

a request to you, is quite removed. Therefore I make the entreaty I

have now preferred; and I hope you will have sufficient

consideration for me, to accede to it."

I must do Mr Guppy the further justice of saying that he had looked more and more ashamed, and that he looked most

ashamed, and very earnest, when he now replied with a burning

face:-

"Upon my word and honour, upon my life, upon my soul, Miss

Summerson, as I am a living man, I'll act according to your wish!

I'll never go another step in opposition to it. I'll take my oath to it,

if it will be any satisfaction to you. In what I promise at this

present time touching the matters now in question," continued Mr

Guppy, rapidly, as if he were repeating a familiar form of words, "I

speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so-"

"I am quite satisfied," said I, rising at this point, "and I thank

you very much. Caddy, my dear, I am ready!"

Mr Guppy's mother returned with Caddy (now making met me

the recipient of her silent laughter and her nudges), and we took

our leave. Mr Guppy saw us to the door with the air of one who

was either imperfectly awake or walking in his sleep, and we left

him there, staring.

But in a minute he came after us down the street without any

hat, and with his long hair all blown about, and stopped us, saying

fervently:

"Miss Summerson, upon my honour and soul, you may depend

upon me!"

"I do," said I, "quite confidently."

"I beg your pardon, miss," said Mr Guppy, going with one leg

and staying with the other, "but this lady being present-your own

witness-it might be a satisfaction to your mind (which I should

wish to set at rest) if you was to repeat those admissions."

"Well, Caddy," said I, turning to her, "perhaps you will not be

surprised when I tell you, my dear, that there never has been any engagement-"

"No proposal or promise of marriage whatsoever," suggested

Mr Guppy.

"No proposal or promise of marriage whatsoever," said I,

"between this gentleman-"

"William Guppy of Penton Place, Pentonville, in the county of

Middlesex," he murmured.

"Between this gentleman, Mr William Guppy, of Penton Place,

Pentonville, in the county of Middlesex, and myself."

"Thank you, miss," said Mr Guppy. "Very full,-er-excuse

me-lady's name, Christian and surname both?"

I gave them.

"Married woman, I believe?" said Mr Guppy. "Married woman.

Thank you. Formerly Caroline Jellyby, spinster, then of Thavies

Inn, within the city of London, but extra-parochial; now of

Newman Street, Oxford Street. Much obliged."

He ran home and came running back again.

"Touching that matter, you know, I really and truly am very

sorry that my arrangements in life, combined with circumstances

over which I have no control, should prevent a renewal of what

was wholly terminated some time back," said Mr Guppy to me,

forlornly and despondently, "but it couldn't be. Now could it, you

know? I only put it to you."

I replied it certainly could not. The subject did not admit of a

doubt. He thanked me, and ran to his mother's again-and back

again.

"It's very honourable of you, miss, I am sure," said Mr Guppy.

"If an altar could be erected in the bowers of friendship-but,

upon my soul, you may rely upon me in every respect, save and except the tender passion only!"

The struggle in Mr Guppy's breast, and the numerous

oscillations it occasioned him between his mother's door and us,

were sufficiently conspicuous in the windy street (particularly as

his hair wanted cutting), to make us hurry away. I did so with a

lightened heart; but when we last looked back, Mr Guppy was still

oscillating in the same troubled state of mind.
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