420 BC
THE ACHARNIANS
by Aristophanes
anonymous translator
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
DICAEOPOLIS
HERALD
AMPHITHEUS
AMBASSADORS
PSEUDARTABAS
THEORUS
DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS
SLAVE OF EURIPIDES
EURIPIDES
LAMACHUS
A MEGARIAN
TWO YOUNG GIRLS, daughters of the Megarian
AN INFORMER
A BOEOTIAN
NICARCHUS
SLAVE OF LAMACHUS
A HUSBANDMAN
A WEDDING GUEST
CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN CHARCOAL BURNERS
ACHARIANS
(SCENE:-The Orchestra represents the Pnyx at Athens; in the back-
ground are the usual houses, this time three in number, belonging
to Dicaeopolis, Euripides, and Lamachus respectively.)
DICAEOPOLIS (alone)
What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been the
pleasures in my life! Four, to be exact, while my troubles have been
as
countless as the grains of sand on the shore! Let me see! of what
value to me have been these few pleasures? Ah! I remember that I was
delighted in soul when Cleon had to cough up those five talents; I was
in
ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; "it is an honour to
Greece." But the day when I was
impatiently awaiting a piece by
Aeschylus, what
tragicdespair it caused me when the
herald called,
"Theognis, introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how this blow struck
straight at my heart! On the other hand, what joy Dexitheus caused
me at the
musicalcompetition, when right after Moschus he played a
Boeotian
melody on the lyre! But this year by contrast! Oh! what
deadly
torture to hear Chaeris perform the prelude in the Orthian
mode!-Never, however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my
eyes as it does to-day. Still it is the day of
assembly; all should be
here at
daybreak, and yet the Pnyx is still deserted. They are
gossiping in the market-place, slipping
hither and t
hither to avoid
the vermilioned rope. The Prytanes even do not come; they will be
late, but when they come they will push and fight each other for a
seat in the front row. They will never trouble themselves with the
question of peace. Oh! Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to
come here before all the rest, and now,
finding myself alone, I groan,
yawn, stretch, fart, and know not what to do; I make sketches in the
dust, pull out my loose hairs, muse, think of my fields, long for
peace, curse town life and regret my dear country home, which never
told me to "buy fuel,
vinegar or oil"; there the word "buy," which
cuts me in two, was unknown; I harvested everything at will. Therefore
I have come to the
assembly fully prepared to bawl,
interrupt and
abuse the speakers, if they talk of anything but peace. (The Orchestra
begins to fill with people.) But here come the Prytanes, and high time
too, for it is midday! There, just as I said, they are pushing and
fighting for the front seats.
HERALD (officiously)
Step forward, step forward; get within the consecrated area.
AMPHITHEUS (rising)
Has anyone
spoken yet?
HERALD
Who asks to speak?
AMPHITHEUS
I do.
HERALD
Your name?
AMPHITHEUS
Amphitheus.
HERALD
Are you not a man?
AMPHITHEUS
No! I am an immortal! Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and
Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus, Celeus
wedded Phaenerete, my
grandmother, whose son was Lycinus, and, being born of him I am an
immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of
treating with the Lacedaemonians. But, citizens, though I am immortal,
I am dying of
hunger; the Prytanes give me nothing.
HERALD (calling)
Officers!
AMPHITHEUS (as the Scythian policemen seize him)
Oh, Triptolemus and Celeus, do ye thus
forsake your own blood?
DICAEOPOLIS (rising)
Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are
offering an outrage
to the Assembly. He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe
the sword.
(The Scythians
release Amphitheus.)
HERALD
Sit down! Silence!
DICAEOPOLIS
No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss the
question of peace.
HERALD (ignoring this; loudly)
The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King!
DICAEOPOLIS
Of what King? I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock
ambassadors and their swagger.
HERALD
Silence!
DICAEOPOLIS (as he perceives the entering ambassadors dressed in the
Persian mode)
Oh! oh! By Ecbatana, what a
costume!
AMBASSADOR (pompously)
During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the Great King
on a salary of two drachmae per diem.
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
Ah! those poor drachmae!
AMBASSADOR
We suffered
horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping
under tent, stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with
weariness.
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the
battlements!
AMBASSADOR
Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious
wine out of golden or
crystal flagons.....
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
Oh, city of Cranaus, thy ambassadors are laughing at thee!
AMBASSADOR
For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone
esteemed as men
by the barbarians.
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
Just as here in Athens, we only
esteem the wenchers and pederasts.
AMBASSADOR
At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, but
he had left with his whole army to take a crap, and for the space of
eight months he was thus sitting on the can in the midst of the golden
mountains.
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
And how long did it take him to close his arse? A month?
AMBASSADOR
After this he returned to his palace; then he entertained us and
had us served with oxen roasted whole in an oven.
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
Who ever saw an ox roasted in an oven? What a lie!
AMBASSADOR
And one day, by Zeus, he also had us served with a bird three
times as large as Cleonymus, and called the Hoax.
DICAEOPOLIS (aside)
And do we give you two drachmae, that you should hoax us thus?
AMBASSADOR
We are bringing to you Pseudartabas, the King's Eye.
DICAEOPOLIS
I would a crow might pluck out yours with his beak, you cursed
ambassador!
HERALD (loudly)
The King's Eye!
(Enter PSEUDARTABAS, in Persian
costume; his mask is one great
eye; he is accompanied by two
eunuchs.)
DICAEOPOLIS (as he sees kim)
Good God! Friend, with your great eye, round like the hole through
which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a galley
doubling a cape to gain port.
AMBASSADOR
Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians
with which you were charged by the Great King.
PSEUDARTABAS
I artamane Xarxas apiaona satra.
AMBASSADOR (to DICAEOPOLIS)
Do you understand what he says?
DICAEOPOLIS
God, no!
AMBASSADOR (to the PRYTANES)
He says that the Great King will send you gold. (to
PSEUDARTABAS) Come, utter the word 'gold' louder and more distinctly.
PSEUDARTABAS
Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah! God help us, but that's clear enough!
AMBASSADOR
What does he say?
DICAEOPOLIS
That the Ionians are gaping-arsed, if they expect to receive
gold from the barbarians.
AMBASSADOR
Not so, he speaks of bushels of gold.
DICAEOPOLIS
What bushels? You're nothing but a wind-bag; get out of the way; I
will find out the truth by myself. (to PSEUDARTABAS) Come now,
answer me clearly, if you do not wish me to dye your skin red. Will
the Great King send us gold? (PSEUDARTABAS makes a
negative sign.)
Then our ambassadors are seeking to
deceive us? (PSEUDARTABAS signs
affirmatively.) These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure
that they are nothing but Athenians. Oh! ho! I recognize one of
these
eunuchs; it is Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius. Behold the
effrontery of this shaven and provocative arse! How, you big baboon,
with such a beard do you seek to play the
eunuch to us? And this other
one? Is it not Straton?
HERALD
Silence! Sit down! The Senate invites the King's Eye to the
Prytaneum.
(The AMBASSADORS and PSEUDARTABAS depart.)
DICAEOPOLIS
Is this not sufficient to drive a man to hang himself? Here I
stand chilled to the bone,
whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly
wide open to lodge such rascals. But I will do something great and