he thought the less they seemed to be on Likeman's side, until at
last they began to take on a
complexion entirely opposed to the
old man's insidious arguments, until indeed they began to bear
the
extraordinaryinterpretation of a special message,
unwittingly delivered.
(8)
The
bishop was still thinking over this
communication when he
was interrupted by Lady Ella. She came with a letter in her hand
to ask him whether she might send five-and-twenty pounds to a
poor cousin of his, a teacher in a girls' school, who had been
incapacitated from work by a dislocation of the cartilage of her
knee. If she could go to that unorthodox but successful
practitioner, Mr. Barker, the bone-setter, she was convinced she
could be restored to
efficiency. But she had no ready money. The
bishop agreed without
hesitation. His only doubt was the
certainty of the cure, but upon that point Lady Ella was
convinced; there had been a great experience in the Walshingham
family.
"It is pleasant to be able to do things like this," said Lady
Ella,
standing over him when this matter was settled.
"Yes," the
bishop agreed; "it is pleasant to be in a position
to do things like this...."
CHAPTER THE SEVENTH - THE SECOND VISION
(1)
A MONTH later found the
bishop's original state of perplexity
and insomnia returned and intensified. He had done none of all
the things that had seemed so
manifestly needing to be done after
his
vision in the Athenaeum. All the
relief and benefit of his
experience in London had vanished out of his life. He was afraid
of Dr. Dale's drug; he knew certainly that it would precipitate
matters; and all his instincts in the state of moral enfeeblement
to which he had relapsed, were to temporize.
Although he had said nothing further about his changed beliefs
to Lady Ella, yet he perceived clearly that a shadow had fallen
between them. She had a wife's
extreme sensitiveness to fine
shades of expression and
bearing, and
manifestly she knew that
something was different. Meanwhile Lady Sunderbund had become a
frequent worshipper in the
cathedral, she was a figure as
conspicuous in sombre Princhester as a bird of
paradise would
have been; common people stood outside her very very rich blue
door on the chance of
seeing her; she never missed an opportunity
of
hearing the
bishoppreach or speak, she wrote him several
long and
thoughtful letters with which he did not
bother Lady
Ella, she communicated persistently, and
manifestly intended to
become a very active
worker in diocesan affairs.
It was
inevitable that she and the
bishop should meet and talk
occasionally in the
cathedral precincts, and it was
inevitablethat he should
contrast the flexibility of her rapid and very
responsive mind with a certain defensiveness, a stoniness, in the
intellectual
bearing of Lady Ella.
If it had been Lady Sunderbund he had had to explain to,
instead of Lady Ella, he could have explained a dozen times a
day.
And since his mind was rehearsing explanations it was not
unnatural they should
overflow into this
eagerly receptive
channel, and that the less he told Lady Ella the fuller became
his
spiritual confidences to Lady Sunderbund.
She was clever in realizing that they were confidences and
treating them as such, more particularly when it chanced that she
and Lady Ella and the
bishop found themselves in the same
conversation.
She made great friends with Miriam, and initiated her by a
whole
collection of pretty
costume plates into the mysteries of
the "Ussian Ballet" and the works of Mousso'gski and "Imsky
Ko'zakof."
The
bishop liked a certain religiosity in the
texture of
Moussorgski's music, but failed to see the "significance "--of
many of the
costumes.
(2)
It was on a Sunday night--the fourth Sunday after Easter--
that the
supremecrisis of the
bishop's life began. He had had a
feeling all day of
extreme dulness and stupidity; he felt his
ministrations unreal, his ceremonies
absurd and undignified. In
the night he became bleakly and
painfully awake. His mind
occupied itself at first
chiefly with the tortuousness and
weakness of his own
character. Every day he perceived that the
difficulty of telling Lady Ella of the change in his faith became
more
mountainous. And every day he procrastinated. If he had told
her naturally and simply on the evening of his return from London
--before anything material intervened--everything would have
been different, everything would have been simpler....
He groaned and rolled over in his bed.
There came upon him the acutest
remorse and
misery. For he saw
that
amidst these petty immediacies he had lost touch with God.
The last month became
incredible. He had seen God. He had touched
God's hand. God had been given to him, and he had neglected the
gift. He was still lost
amidst the darkness and
loneliness, the
chaotic ends and mean shifts, of an Erastian world. For a month
now and more, after a
vision of God so vivid and real and
reassuring that surely no saint nor
prophet had ever had a
better, he had made no more than vague responsive movements; he
had allowed himself to be persuaded into an
unreasonable and
cowardly delay, and the fetters of association and usage and
minor interests were as
unbroken as they had been before ever the
vision shone. Was it credible that there had ever been such a
vision in a life so entirely dictated by immediacy and instinct
as his? We are all creatures of the dark
stream, we swim in needs
and
bodily impulses and small vanities; if ever and again a
bubble of
spiritual imaginativeness glows out of us, it breaks
and leaves us where we were.
"Louse that I am!" he cried.
He still believed in God, without a shadow of doubt; he
believed in the God that he had seen, the high courage, the
golden
intention, the light that had for a moment touched him.
But what had he to do with God, he, the
loiterer, the little
thing?
He was little, he was funny. His prevarications with his wife,
for example, were comic. There was no other word for him but
"funny."
He rolled back again and lay staring.
"Who will deliver me from the body of this death?" What right
has a little
bishop in a
purple stock and doeskin
breeches, who
hangs back in his palace from the very call of God, to a phrase
so fine and
tragic as "the body of this death?"
He was the most unreal thing in the
universe. He was a base
insect giving himself airs. What
advantage has a
bishop over the
Praying Mantis, that
cricket which apes the attitude of piety?
Does he matter more--to God?
"To the God of the Universe, who can tell? To the God of man,--
yes."
He sat up in bed struck by his own answer, and full of an
indescribablehunger for God and an
indescribable sense of his
complete want of courage to make the one simple
appeal that would
satisfy that
hunger. He tried to pray. "O God! "he cried,
"forgive me! Take me!" It seemed to him that he was not really
praying but only making believe to pray. It seemed to him that he
was not really existing but only
seeming to exist. He seemed to
himself to be one with figures on a china plate, with figures
painted on walls, with the flimsy imagined lives of men in
stories of forgotten times. "O God!" he said, "O God,"
acting a
gesture, mimicking
appeal.
"Anaemic," he said, and was given an idea.