He got out of bed, he took his keys from the night-table at the
bed head and went to his bureau.
He stood with Dale's tonic in his hand. He remained for some
time
holding it, and feeling a curious indisposition to go on
with the thing in his mind.
He turned at last with an effort. He carried the little phial
to his
bedside, and into the
tumbler of his water-bottle he let
the drops fall, drop by drop, until he had counted twenty. Then
holding it to the bulb of his
reading lamp he added the water and
stood watching the slow pearly eddies in the
mixturemingle into
an opalescent
uniformity. He replaced the water-bottle and stood
with the glass in his hand. But he did not drink.
He was afraid.
He knew that he had only to drink and this world of confusion
would grow
transparent, would roll back and reveal the great
simplicities behind. And he was afraid.
He was afraid of that
greatness. He was afraid of the great
imperatives that he knew would at once take hold of his life. He
wanted to muddle on for just a little longer. He wanted to stay
just where he was, in his familiar prison-house, with the key of
escape in his hand. Before he took the last step into the very
presence of truth, he would--think.
He put down the glass and lay down upon his bed....
(3)
He awoke in a mood of great
depression out of a dream of
wandering interminably in an endless building of innumerable
pillars, pillars so vast and high that the ceiling was lost in
darkness. By the scale of these pillars he felt himself scarcely
larger than an ant. He was always alone in these wanderings, and
always
missing something that passed along distant passages,
something
desirable, something in the nature of a
procession or
of a
ceremony, something of which he was in
futilepursuit, of
which he heard faint echoes, something
luminous of which he
seemed at times to see the last fading
reflection, across vast
halls and wildernesses of shining
pavement and through Cyclopaean
archways. At last there was neither sound nor gleam, but the
utmost
solitude, and a darkness and silence and the uttermost
profundity of sorrow....
It was bright day. Dunk had just come into the room with his
tea, and the
tumbler of Dr. Dale's tonic stood
untouched upon the
night-table. The
bishop sat up in bed. He had missed his
opportunity. To-day was a busy day, he knew.
"No," he said, as Dunk hesitated whether to remove or leave the
tumbler. "Leave that."
Dunk found room for it upon the tea-tray, and vanished softly
with the
bishop's evening clothes.
The
bishop remained
motionless facing the day. There stood the
draught of decision that he had lacked the decision even to
touch.
From his bed he could just read the larger items that figured
upon the
engagementtablet which it was Whippham's business to
fill over-night and place upon his table. He had two
confirmationservices, first the big one in the
cathedral and then a second
one in the evening at Pringle, various committees and an
interview with Chasters. He had not yet finished his addresses
for these
confirmation services....
The task seemed
mountainous--overwhelming.
With a
gesture of
desperation he seized the
tumblerful of tonic
and drank it off at a gulp.
(4)
For some moments nothing seemed to happen.
Then he began to feel stronger and less
wretched, and then came
a throbbing and tingling of
artery and nerve.
He had a sense of adventure, a pleasant fear in the thing that
he had done. He got out of bed, leaving his cup of tea untasted,
and began to dress. He had the
sensation of
relief a prisoner may
feel who suddenly tries his cell door and finds it open upon
sunshine, the outside world and freedom.
He went on dressing although he was certain that in a few