Sir Sampson has a son that is expected to-night, and by the account
I have heard of his education, can be no conjurer. The
estate you
know is to be made over to him. Now if I could wheedle him, sister,
ha? You understand me?
MRS FORE. I do, and will help you to the
utmost of my power. And I
can tell you one thing that falls out luckily enough; my awkward
daughter-in-law, who you know is designed to be his wife, is grown
fond of Mr Tattle; now if we can improve that, and make her have an
aversion for the booby, it may go a great way towards his liking
you. Here they come together; and let us
contrive some way or other
to leave 'em together.
SCENE X.
[To them] TATTLE and MISS PRUE.
MISS. Mother, mother, mother, look you here!
MRS FORE. Fie, fie, Miss, how you bawl! Besides, I have told you,
you must not call me mother.
MISS. What must I call you then, are you not my father's wife?
MRS FORE. Madam; you must say madam. By my soul, I shall fancy
myself old indeed to have this great girl call me mother. Well, but
Miss, what are you so overjoyed at?
MISS. Look you here, madam, then, what Mr Tattle has given me.
Look you here, cousin, here's a snuff-box; nay, there's snuff in't.
Here, will you have any? Oh, good! How sweet it is. Mr Tattle is
all over sweet, his peruke is sweet, and his gloves are sweet, and
his
handkerchief is sweet, pure sweet, sweeter than roses. Smell
him, mother--madam, I mean. He gave me this ring for a kiss.
TATT. O fie, Miss, you must not kiss and tell.
MISS. Yes; I may tell my mother. And he says he'll give me
something to make me smell so. Oh, pray lend me your
handkerchief.
Smell, cousin; he says he'll give me something that will make my
smocks smell this way. Is not it pure? It's better than
lavender,
mun. I'm
resolved I won't let nurse put any more
lavender among my
smocks--ha, cousin?
MRS FRAIL. Fie, Miss;
amongst your linen, you must say. You must
never say smock.
MISS. Why, it is not bawdy, is it, cousin?
TATT. Oh, madam; you are too
severe upon Miss; you must not find
fault with her pretty
simplicity: it becomes her
strangely. Pretty
Miss, don't let 'em
persuade you out of your innocency.
MRS FORE. Oh, demm you toad. I wish you don't
persuade her out of
her innocency.
TATT. Who, I, madam? O Lord, how can your ladyship have such a
thought? Sure, you don't know me.
MRS FRAIL. Ah devil, sly devil. He's as close, sister, as a
confessor. He thinks we don't observe him.
MRS FORE. A
cunning cur, how soon he could find out a fresh,
harmless creature; and left us, sister, presently.
TATT. Upon reputation
MRS FORE. They're all so, sister, these men. They love to have the
spoiling of a young thing, they are as fond of it, as of being first
in the fashion, or of
seeing a new play the first day. I
warrant it
would break Mr Tattle's heart to think that anybody else should be
beforehand with him.
TATT. O Lord, I swear I would not for the world -
MRS FRAIL. O hang you; who'll believe you? You'd be hanged before
you'd
confess. We know you--she's very pretty! Lord, what pure red
and white!--she looks so
wholesome; ne'er stir: I don't know, but I
fancy, if I were a man -
MISS. How you love to jeer one, cousin.
MRS FORE. Hark'ee, sister, by my soul the girl is spoiled already.
D'ee think she'll ever
endure a great lubberly tarpaulin? Gad, I
warrant you she won't let him come near her after Mr Tattle.
MRS FRAIL. O my soul, I'm afraid not--eh!--filthy creature, that
smells all of pitch and tar. Devil take you, you confounded toad--
why did you see her before she was married?
MRS FORE. Nay, why did we let him--my husband will hang us. He'll
think we brought 'em acquainted.
MRS FRAIL. Come, faith, let us be gone. If my brother Foresight
should find us with them, he'd think so, sure enough.
MRS FORE. So he would--but then leaving them together is as bad:
and he's such a sly devil, he'll never miss an opportunity.
MRS FRAIL. I don't care; I won't be seen in't.
MRS FORE. Well, if you should, Mr Tattle, you'll have a world to
answer for; remember I wash my hands of it. I'm thoroughly
innocent.
SCENE XI.
TATTLE, MISS PRUE.
MISS. What makes 'em go away, Mr Tattle? What do they mean, do you
know?
TATT. Yes my dear; I think I can guess, but hang me if I know the
reason of it.
MISS. Come, must not we go too?
TATT. No, no, they don't mean that.
MISS. No! What then? What shall you and I do together?
TATT. I must make love to you, pretty Miss; will you let me make
love to you?
MISS. Yes, if you please.
TATT. Frank, i'Gad, at least. What a pox does Mrs Foresight mean
by this
civility? Is it to make a fool of me? Or does she leave us
together out of good
morality, and do as she would be done by?--Gad,
I'll understand it so. [Aside.]
MISS. Well; and how will you make love to me--come, I long to have
you begin,--must I make love too? You must tell me how.
TATT. You must let me speak, Miss, you must not speak first; I must
ask you questions, and you must answer.
MISS. What, is it like the catechism? Come then, ask me.
TATT. D'ye think you can love me?
MISS. Yes.
TATT. Pooh, pox, you must not say yes already; I shan't care a
farthing for you then in a twinkling.
MISS. What must I say then?
TATT. Why you must say no, or you believe not, or you can't tell -
MISS. Why, must I tell a lie then?
TATT. Yes, if you'd be well bred. All well bred persons lie.--
Besides, you are a woman, you must never speak what you think: your
words must
contradict your thoughts; but your actions may
contradictyour words. So when I ask you if you can love me, you must say no,
but you must love me too. If I tell you you are handsome, you must
deny it, and say I
flatter you. But you must think yourself more
charming than I speak you: and like me, for the beauty which I say
you have, as much as if I had it myself. If I ask you to kiss me,
you must be angry, but you must not refuse me. If I ask you for
more, you must be more angry,--but more complying; and as soon as
ever I make you say you'll cry out, you must be sure to hold your
tongue.
MISS. O Lord, I swear this is pure. I like it better than our old-
fashioned country way of
speaking one's mind;--and must not you lie
too?
TATT. Hum--yes--but you must believe I speak truth.
MISS. O Gemini! Well, I always had a great mind to tell lies; but
they frighted me, and said it was a sin.
TATT. Well, my pretty creature; will you make me happy by giving me
a kiss?
MISS. No, indeed; I'm angry at you. [Runs and kisses him.]
TATT. Hold, hold, that's pretty well, but you should not have given
it me, but have suffered me to have taken it.
MISS. Well, we'll do it again.
TATT. With all my heart.--Now then, my little angel. [Kisses her.]
MISS. Pish.
TATT. That's right,--again, my charmer. [Kisses again.]
MISS. O fie, nay, now I can't abide you.
TATT. Admirable! That was as well as if you had been born and bred
in Covent Garden. And won't you shew me, pretty miss, where your
bed-
chamber is?
MISS. No, indeed won't I; but I'll run there, and hide myself from
you behind the curtains.
TATT. I'll follow you.
MISS. Ah, but I'll hold the door with both hands, and be angry;--
and you shall push me down before you come in.
TATT. No, I'll come in first, and push you down afterwards.
MISS. Will you? Then I'll be more angry and more complying.
TATT. Then I'll make you cry out.
MISS. Oh, but you shan't, for I'll hold my tongue.
TATT. O my dear apt scholar!
MISS. Well, now I'll run and make more haste than you.
TATT. You shall not fly so fast, as I'll pursue.
ACT III.--SCENE I.
NURSE alone.
NURSE. Miss, Miss, Miss Prue! Mercy on me, marry and amen. Why,
what's become of the child? Why Miss, Miss Foresight! Sure she has
locked herself up in her
chamber, and gone to sleep, or to prayers:
Miss, Miss,--I hear her.--Come to your father, child; open the door.
Open the door, Miss. I hear you cry husht. O Lord, who's there?
[peeps] What's here to do? O the Father! A man with her! Why,
miss, I say; God's my life, here's fine
doings towards--O Lord,
we're all
undone. O you young harlotry [knocks]. Od's my life,
won't you open the door? I'll come in the back way.
SCENE II.
TATTLE, MISS PRUE.
MISS. O Lord, she's coming, and she'll tell my father; what shall I
do now?
TATT. Pox take her; if she had stayed two minutes longer, I should
have wished for her coming.
MISS. O dear, what shall I say? Tell me, Mr Tattle, tell me a lie.
TATT. There's no occasion for a lie; I could never tell a lie to no
purpose. But since we have done nothing, we must say nothing, I
think. I hear her,--I'll leave you together, and come off as you
can. [Thrusts her in, and shuts the door.]
SCENE III.
TATTLE, VALENTINE, SCANDAL, ANGELICA.
ANG. You can't
accuse me of inconstancy; I never told you that I
loved you.
VAL. But I can
accuse you of
uncertainty, for not telling me
whether you did or not.
ANG. You mistake
indifference for
uncertainty; I never had concern
enough to ask myself the question.
SCAN. Nor good-nature enough to answer him that did ask you; I'll
say that for you, madam.
ANG. What, are you
setting up for good-nature?
SCAN. Only for the affectation of it, as the women do for ill-
nature.
ANG. Persuade your friend that it is all affectation.
SCAN. I shall receive no benefit from the opinion; for I know no
effectual difference between continued affectation and reality.
TATT. [coming up]. Scandal, are you in private discourse?
Anything of
secrecy? [Aside to SCANDAL.]
SCAN. Yes, but I dare trust you; we were talking of Angelica's love
to Valentine. You won't speak of it.
TATT. No, no, not a
syllable. I know that's a secret, for it's
whispered everywhere.
SCAN. Ha, ha, ha!
ANG. What is, Mr Tattle? I heard you say something was whispered
everywhere.
SCAN. Your love of Valentine.
ANG. How!
TATT. No, madam, his love for your ladyship. Gad take me, I beg
your pardon,--for I never heard a word of your ladyship's
passiontill this instant.
ANG. My
passion! And who told you of my
passion, pray sir?
SCAN. Why, is the devil in you? Did not I tell it you for a
secret?