SCAN. No; you told us.
TATT. And bid me ask Valentine?
VAL. What did I say? I hope you won't bring me to
confess an
answer when you never asked me the question?
TATT. But, gentlemen, this is the most inhuman
proceeding -
VAL. Nay, if you have known Scandal thus long, and cannot avoid
such a palpable decoy as this was, the ladies have a fine time whose
reputations are in your keeping.
SCENE XII.
[To them] JEREMY.
JERE. Sir, Mrs Frail has sent to know if you are stirring.
VAL. Show her up when she comes.
SCENE XIII.
VALENTINE, SCANDAL, TATTLE.
TATT. I'll be gone.
VAL. You'll meet her.
TATT. Is there not a back way?
VAL. If there were, you have more
discretion than to give Scandal
such an
advantage. Why, your
running away will prove all that he
can tell her.
TATT. Scandal, you will not be so ungenerous. Oh, I shall lose my
reputation of
secrecy for ever. I shall never be received but upon
public days, and my visits will never be admitted beyond a drawing-
room. I shall never see a bed-chamber again, never be locked in a
closet, nor run behind a
screen, or under a table: never be
distinguished among the waiting-women by the name of
trusty Mr
Tattle more. You will not be so cruel?
VAL. Scandal, have pity on him; he'll yield to any conditions.
TATT. Any, any terms.
SCAN. Come, then, sacrifice half a dozen women of good
reputationto me
presently. Come, where are you familiar? And see that they
are women of quality, too--the first quality.
TATT. 'Tis very hard. Won't a baronet's lady pass?
SCAN. No, nothing under a right honourable.
TATT. Oh, inhuman! You don't expect their names?
SCAN. No, their titles shall serve.
TATT. Alas, that's the same thing. Pray spare me their titles.
I'll describe their persons.
SCAN. Well, begin then; but take notice, if you are so ill a
painter that I cannot know the person by your picture of her, you
must be condemned, like other bad
painters, to write the name at the
bottom.
TATT. Well, first then -
SCENE XIV.
[To them] MRS FRAIL.
TATT. Oh, unfortunate! She's come already; will you have patience
till another time? I'll double the number.
SCAN. Well, on that condition. Take heed you don't fail me.
MRS FRAIL. I shall get a fine
reputation by coming to see fellows
in a morning. Scandal, you devil, are you here too? Oh, Mr Tattle,
everything is safe with you, we know.
SCAN. Tattle -
TATT. Mum. O madam, you do me too much honour.
VAL. Well, Lady Galloper, how does Angelica?
MRS FRAIL. Angelica? Manners!
VAL. What, you will allow an
absent lover -
MRS FRAIL. No, I'll allow a lover present with his
mistress to be
particular; but
otherwise, I think his
passion ought to give place
to his manners.
VAL. But what if he has more
passion than manners?
MRS FRAIL. Then let him marry and reform.
VAL. Marriage indeed may qualify the fury of his
passion, but it
very
rarely mends a man's manners.
MRS FRAIL. You are the most
mistaken in the world; there is no
creature
perfectly civil but a husband. For in a little time he
grows only rude to his wife, and that is the highest good breeding,
for it begets his
civility to other people. Well, I'll tell you
news; but I suppose you hear your brother Benjamin is landed? And
my brother Foresight's daughter is come out of the country: I
assure you, there's a match talked of by the old people. Well, if
he be but as great a sea-beast as she is a land-monster, we shall
have a most amphibious breed. The progeny will be all otters. He
has been bred at sea, and she has never been out of the country.
VAL. Pox take 'em, their
conjunction bodes me no good, I'm sure.
MRS FRAIL. Now you talk of
conjunction, my brother Foresight has
cast both their nativities, and prognosticates an
admiral and an
eminent justice of the peace to be the issue male of their two
bodies; 'tis the most
superstitious old fool! He would have
persuaded me that this was an
unlucky day, and would not let me come
abroad. But I invented a dream, and sent him to Artimedorus for
interpretation, and so stole out to see you. Well, and what will
you give me now? Come, I must have something.
VAL. Step into the next room, and I'll give you something.
SCAN. Ay, we'll all give you something.
MRS FRAIL. Well, what will you all give me?
VAL. Mine's a secret.
MRS FRAIL. I thought you would give me something that would be a
trouble to you to keep.
VAL. And Scandal shall give you a good name.
MRS FRAIL. That's more than he has for himself. And what will you
give me, Mr Tattle?
TATT. I? My soul, madam.
MRS FRAIL. Pooh! No, I thank you, I have enough to do to take care
of my own. Well, but I'll come and see you one of these mornings.
I hear you have a great many pictures.
TATT. I have a pretty good
collection, at your service, some
originals.
SCAN. Hang him, he has nothing but the Seasons and the Twelve
Caesars--paltry copies--and the Five Senses, as ill-represented as
they are in himself, and he himself is the only original you will
see there.
MRS FRAIL. Ay, but I hear he has a
closet of beauties.
SCAN. Yes; all that have done him favours, if you will believe him.
MRS FRAIL. Ay, let me see those, Mr Tattle.
TATT. Oh, madam, those are
sacred to love and
contemplation. No
man but the
painter and myself was ever blest with the sight.
MRS FRAIL. Well, but a woman -
TATT. Nor woman, till she consented to have her picture there too--
for then she's obliged to keep the secret.
SCAN. No, no; come to me if you'd see pictures.
MRS FRAIL. You?
SCAN. Yes, faith; I can shew you your own picture, and most of your
acquaintance to the life, and as like as at Kneller's.
MRS FRAIL. O lying creature! Valentine, does not he lie? I can't
believe a word he says.
VAL. No indeed, he speaks truth now. For as Tattle has pictures of
all that have granted him favours, he has the pictures of all that
have refused him: if satires, descriptions, characters, and
lampoons are pictures.
SCAN. Yes; mine are most in black and white. And yet there are
some set out in their true colours, both men and women. I can shew
you pride, folly, affectation, wantonness, inconstancy,
covetousness, dissimulation,
malice and
ignorance, all in one piece.
Then I can shew you lying, foppery,
vanity,
cowardice, bragging,
lechery, impotence, and ugliness in another piece; and yet one of
these is a
celebrated beauty, and t'other a professed beau. I have
paintings too, some pleasant enough.
MRS FRAIL. Come, let's hear 'em.
SCAN. Why, I have a beau in a bagnio, cupping for a
complexion, and
sweating for a shape.
MRS FRAIL. So.
SCAN. Then I have a lady burning
brandy in a
cellar with a hackney
coachman.
MRS FRAIL. O devil! Well, but that story is not true.
SCAN. I have some hieroglyphics too; I have a
lawyer with a hundred
hands, two heads, and but one face; a
divine with two faces, and one
head; and I have a soldier with his brains in his belly, and his
heart where his head should be.
MRS FRAIL. And no head?
SCAN. No head.
MRS FRAIL. Pooh, this is all
invention. Have you never a poet?
SCAN. Yes, I have a poet weighing words, and selling praise for
praise, and a
critic picking his pocket. I have another large piece
too, representing a school, where there are huge proportioned
critics, with long wigs, laced coats, Steinkirk cravats, and
terrible faces; with cat-calls in their hands, and horn-books about
their necks. I have many more of this kind, very well painted, as
you shall see.
MRS FRAIL. Well, I'll come, if it be but to disprove you.
SCENE XIV.
[To them] JEREMY.
JERE. Sir, here's the
steward again from your father.
VAL. I'll come to him--will you give me leave? I'll wait on you
again
presently,
MRS FRAIL. No; I'll be gone. Come, who squires me to the Exchange?
I must call my sister Foresight there.
SCAN. I will: I have a mind to your sister.
MRS FRAIL. Civil!
TATT. I will: because I have a tendre for your ladyship.
MRS FRAIL. That's somewhat the better reason, to my opinion.
SCAN. Well, if Tattle entertains you, I have the better opportunity
to engage your sister.
VAL. Tell Angelica I am about making hard conditions to come
abroad, and be at liberty to see her.
SCAN. I'll give an
account of you and your
proceedings. If
in
discretion be a sign of love, you are the most a lover of anybody
that I know: you fancy that
parting with your
estate will help you
to your
mistress. In my mind he is a
thoughtless adventurer
Who hopes to purchase
wealth by selling land;
Or win a
mistress with a losing hand.
ACT II.--SCENE I.
A room in FORESIGHT's house.
FORESIGHT and SERVANT.
FORE. Hey day! What, are all the women of my family
abroad? Is
not my wife come home? Nor my sister, nor my daughter?
SERV. No, sir.
FORE. Mercy on us, what can be the meaning of it? Sure the moon is
in all her fortitudes. Is my niece Angelica at home?
SERV. Yes, sir.
FORE. I believe you lie, sir.
SERV. Sir?
FORE. I say you lie, sir. It is impossible that anything should be
as I would have it; for I was born, sir, when the crab was
ascending, and all my affairs go backward.
SERV. I can't tell indeed, sir.
FORE. No, I know you can't, sir: but I can tell, and foretell,
sir.
SCENE II.
[To them] NURSE.
FORE. Nurse, where's your young
mistress?
NURSE. Wee'st heart, I know not, they're none of 'em come home
yet. Poor child, I
warrant she's fond o'
seeing the town. Marry,
pray heaven they ha' given her any dinner. Good lack-a-day, ha, ha,
ha, Oh, strange! I'll vow and swear now, ha, ha, ha, marry, and did
you ever see the like!
FORE. Why, how now, what's the matter?
NURSE. Pray heaven send your
worship good luck, marry, and amen
with all my heart, for you have put on one
stocking with the wrong
side outward.
FORE. Ha, how? Faith and troth I'm glad of it; and so I have:
that may be good luck in troth, in troth it may, very good luck.