THE Dog, as created, had a rigid tail, but after some centuries of
a cheerless existence, unappreciated by Man, who made him work for

his living, he implored the Creator to endow him with a wag. This
being done he was able to dissemble his resentment with a sign of

affection, and the earth was his and the fulness thereof.
Observing this, the Politician (an animal created later) petitioned

that a wag might be given him too. As he was incaudate it was
conferred upon his chin, which he now wags with great profit and

gratification except when he is at his meals.
Three Recruits

A FARMER, an Artisan, and a Labourer went to the King of their
country and complained that they were compelled to support a large

standing army of mere consumers, who did nothing for their keep.
"Very well," said the King, "my subjects' wishes are the highest

law."
So he disbanded his army and the consumers became producers also.

The sale of their products so brought down prices that farming was
ruined, and their skilled and unskilled labour drove the artisans

and labourers into the almshouses and highways. In a few years the
national distress was so great that the Farmer, the Artisan, and

the Labourer petitioned the King to reorganize the standing army.
"What!" said the King; "you wish to support those idle consumers

again?"
"No, your Majesty," they replied - "we wish to enlist."

The Mirror
A SILKEN-EARED Spaniel, who traced his descent from King Charles

the Second of England, chanced to look into a mirror which was
leaning against the wainscoting of a room on the ground floor of

his mistress's house. Seeing his reflection, he supposed it to be
another dog, outside, and said:

"I can chew up any such milksoppy pup as that, and I will."
So he ran out-of-doors and around to the side of the house where he

fancied the enemy was. It so happened that at that moment a
Bulldog sat there sunning his teeth. The Spaniel stopped short in

dire consternation, and, after regarding the Bulldog a moment from
a safe distance, said:

"I don't know whether you cultivate the arts of peace or your flag
is flung to the battle and the breeze and your voice is for war.

If you are a civilian, the windows of this house flatter you worse
than a newspaper, but if you're a soldier, they do you a grave

injustice."
This speech being unintelligible to the Bulldog he only civilly

smiled, which so terrified the Spaniel that he dropped dead in his
tracks.

Saint and Sinner
"MY friend," said a distinguished officer of the Salvation Army, to

a Most Wicked Sinner, "I was once a drunkard, a thief, an assassin.
The Divine Grace has made me what I am."

The Most Wicked Sinner looked at him from head to foot.
"Henceforth," he said, "the Divine Grace, I fancy, will let well

enough alone."
An Antidote

A YOUNG Ostrich came to its Mother, groaning with pain and with its
wings tightly crossed upon its stomach.

"What have you been eating?" the Mother asked, with solicitude.
"Nothing but a keg of Nails," was the reply.

"What!" exclaimed the Mother; "a whole keg of Nails, at your age!
Why, you will kill yourself that way. Go quickly, my child, and

swallow a claw-hammer."
A Weary Echo

A CONVENTION of femalewriters, which for two days had been
stuffing Woman's couch with goose-quills and hailing the down of a

new era, adjourned with unabated enthusiasm, shouting, "Place aux
dames!" And Echo wearily replied, "Oh, damn."

The Ingenious Blackmailer
AN Inventor went to a King and was granted an audience, when the

following conversation ensued:
INVENTOR. - "May it please your Majesty, I have invented a rifle

that discharges lightning."
KING. - "Ah, you wish to sell me the secret."

INVENTOR. - "Yes; it will enable your army to overrun any nation
that is accessible."

KING. - "In order to get any good of my outlay for your invention,
I must make a war, and do so as soon as I can arm my troops -

before your secret is discovered by foreign nations. How much do
you want?"

INVENTOR. - "One million dollars."
KING. - "And how much will it cost to make the change of arms?"

INVENTOR. - "Fifty millions."
KING. - "And the war will Cost - ?"

INVENTOR. - "But consider the glory and the spoils!"
KING. - "Exactly. But if I am not seeking these advantages? What

if I decline to purchase?"
INVENTOR. - "There is no economy in that. Though a patriot, I am

poor; if my own country will not patronise me, I must seek a market
elsewhere."

KING (to Prime Minister). - "Take this blackmailer and cut off his
head."

A Talisman
HAVING been summoned to serve as a juror, a Prominent Citizen sent

a physician's certificate stating that he was afflicted with
softening of the brain.

"The gentleman is excused," said the Judge, handing back the
certificate to the person who had brought it, "he has a brain."

The Ancient Order
HARDLY had that ancient order, the Sultans of Exceeding Splendour,

been completely founded by the Grand Flashing Inaccessible, when a
question arose as to what should be the title of address among the

members. Some wanted it to be simply "my Lord," others held out
for "your Dukeness," and still others preferred "my Sovereign

Liege." Finally the gorgeous jewel of the order, gleaming upon the
breast of every member, suggested "your Badgesty," which was

adopted, and the order became popularly known as the Kings of
Catarrh.

A Fatal Disorder
A DYING Man who had been shot was requested by officers of the law

to make a statement, and be quick about it.
"You were assaulted without provocation, of course," said the

District Attorney, preparing to set down the answer.
"No," replied the Dying Man, "I was the aggressor."

"Yes, I understand," said the District Attorney; "you committed the
aggression - you were compelled to, as it were. You did it in

self-defence."
"I don't think he would have hurt me if I had let him alone," said

the other. "No, I fancy he was a man of peace, and would not have
hurt a fly. I brought such a pressure to bear on him that he

naturally had to yield - he couldn't hold out. If he had refused
to shoot me I don't see how I could decently have continued his

acquaintance."
"Good Heavens!" exclaimed the District Attorney, throwing down his

note-book and pencil; "this is all quite irregular. I can't make
use of such an ante-mortem statement as that."

"I never before knew a man to tell the truth," said the Chief of
Police, "when dying of violence."

"Violence nothing!" the Police Surgeon said, pulling out and
inspecting the man's tongue - "it is the truth that is killing

him."