"Why, then, do you come, things being even when he had hurled me
back?"

"He wanted to be a little ahead."
Two of the Pious

A CHRISTIAN and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing, when the
Christian, with that charmingconsideration which serves to

distinguish the truly pious from the wolves that perish, exclaimed:
"If I could have my way, I'd blow up all your gods with dynamite."

"And if I could have mine," retorted the Heathen in His Blindness,
bitterly malevolent but oleaginuously suave, "I'd fan all yours out

of the universe."
The Desperate Object

A DISHONEST Gain was driving in its luxuriouscarriage through its
private park, when it saw something which frantically and

repeatedly ran against a stone wall, endeavouring to butt out its
brains.

"Hold! Hold! thou desperate Object," cried the Dishonest Gain;
"these beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as

thine."
"True," said the Object, pausing; "I have other and better grounds

for it."
"Then thou art a happy man," said the Dishonest Gain, "and thy

bleeding head is but mere dissembling. Who art thou, great actor?"
"I am known," said the Object, dashing itself again at the wall,

"as the Consciousness of Duty Well Performed."
The Appropriate Memorial

A HIGH Public Functionary having died, the citizens of his town
held a meeting to consider how to honour his memory, and an Other

High Public Functionary rose and addressed the meeting.
"Mr. Chairman and Gintlemen," said the Other, "it sames to me, and

I'm hopin' yez wull approve the suggistion, that an appropriet way
to honour the mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument

sootably inscribed wid his vartues."
The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept.

A Needless Labour
AFTER waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for

some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw
him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the

inaudible discord of his race. Observing that the Lion gave no
attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach,

said:
"Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an

implacable odour."
"My dear fellow," the Lion replied, "you have taken a needless

trouble; I already knew that you were a Skunk."
A Flourishing Industry

"ARE the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?"
asked a Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in

America.
"Splendid!" said the Man. "I have more orders than I can fill."

"What is your business?" the Traveller from a Foreign Land
inquired.

The Man replied, "I make boxing-gloves for the tongues of
pugilists."

The Self-Made Monkey
A MAN of humble birth and no breading, who held a high political

office, was passing through a forest, when he met a Monkey.
"I take it you are one of my constituents," the Man said.

"No," replied the Monkey; "but I will support you if you can urge a
valid claim to my approval."

"I am a self-made man," said the other, proudly.
"That is nothing," the Monkey said. And going to a bigger pine, he

rose by his own unaided exertions to the top branch, where he sat,
all bedaubed with the pitch which that vegetable exudes. "Now," he

added, "I am a self-made Monkey."
The Patriot and the Banker

A PATRIOT who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced
at a bank where he desired to open an account.

"With pleasure," said the Honest Banker; "we shall be glad to do
business with you; but first you must make yourself an honest man

by restoring what you stole from the Government."
"Good heavens!" cried the Patriot; "if I do that, I shall have

nothing to deposit with you."
"I don't see that," the Honest Banker replied. "We are not the

whole American people."
"Ah, I understand," said the Patriot, musing. "At what sum do you

estimate this bank's proportion of the country's loss by me?"
"About a dollar," answered the Honest Banker.

And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and
well he charged that sum to the account.

The Mourning Brothers
OBSERVING that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons

to his bedside and expounded the situation.
"My children," said he, "you have not shown me many marks of

respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my
death. To him who the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory

of me shall go my entire fortune. I have made a will to that
effect."

So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his
hat and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither

would give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his
weeds and the elder give him half of the estate. But when the

elder applied for the property he found that there had been an
Executor!

Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.
The Disinterested Arbiter

TWO Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to
either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently

heard their statements, then flung the bone into a pond.
"Why did you do that?" said the Dogs.

"Because," replied the Sheep, "I am a vegetarian."
The Thief and the Honest Man

A THIEF who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover
his share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the

Honest Man's attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But
the Honest Man explained that as he was merely the agent of a

company of other honest men it was none of his affair; and when the
officers came to serve him with a subpoena he hid himself behind

his back and wiled away the dragging hours of retirement and
inaction by picking his own pockets.

The Dutiful Son
A MILLIONAIRE who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met

a Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised.
"What!" said the Neighbour, "you do sometimes visit your father?"

"If our situations were reversed," said the Millionaire, "I am sure
he would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me.

Besides," he added, softly, "I had to have his signature; I am
insuring his life."

AESOPUS EMENDATUS
The Cat and the Youth

A CAT fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus
to change her into a woman.

"I should think," said Venus, "you might make so trifling a change
without bothering me. However, be a woman."

Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused
a mouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a

show of herself that the Young Man would not marry her.