kept mine in a
precarious state of
efficiency. It had been neither
strikingly new, nor utterly
shabby, neither napless nor over-glossy,
and might have passed for the hat of a frugally given owner, but its
artificially prolonged
existence had now reached the final stage, it
was crumpled,
forlorn, and completely ruined, a
downright rag, a
fitting
emblem of its master. My
painfully preserved
elegance must
collapse for want of thirty sous.
"What unrecognized sacrifices I had made in the past three months for
Foedora! How often I had given the price of a week's sustenance to see
her for a moment! To leave my work and go without food was the least
of it! I must
traverse the streets of Paris without getting splashed,
run to escape showers, and reach her rooms at last, as neat and spruce
as any of the coxcombs about her. For a poet and a distracted wooer
the difficulties of this task were endless. My happiness, the course
of my love, might be
affected by a speck of mud upon my only white
waistcoat! Oh, to miss the sight of her because I was wet through and
bedraggled, and had not so much as five sous to give to a shoeblack
for removing the least little spot of mud from my boot! The petty
pangs of these
nameless torments, which an
irritable man finds so
great, only strengthened my passion.
"The
unfortunate must make sacrifices which they may not mention to
women who lead
refined and
luxurious lives. Such women see things
through a prism that gilds all men and their surroundings. Egoism
leads them to take
cheerful views, and fashion makes them cruel; they
do not wish to
reflect, lest they lose their happiness, and the
absorbing nature of their pleasures absolves their
indifference to the
misfortunes of others. A penny never means millions to them; millions,
on the
contrary, seem a mere
trifle. Perhaps love must plead his cause
by great sacrifices, but a veil must be
lightly drawn across them,
they must go down into silence. So when
wealthy men pour out their
devotion, their fortunes, and their lives, they gain somewhat by these
commonly entertained opinions, an
additional lustre hangs about their
lovers' follies; their silence is
eloquent; there is a grace about the
drawn veil; but my terrible
distress bound me over to suffer fearfully
or ever I might speak of my love or of dying for her sake.
"Was it a sacrifice after all? Was I not
richly rewarded by the joy I
took in sacrificing everything to her? There was no commonest event of
my daily life to which the
countess had not given importance, had not
overfilled with happiness. I had been
hithertocareless of my clothes,
now I respected my coat as if it had been a second self. I should not
have hesitated between
bodily harm and a tear in that
garment. You
must enter
wholly into my circumstances to understand the stormy
thoughts, the
gatheringfrenzy, that shook me as I went, and which,
perhaps, were increased by my walk. I gloated in an
infernal fashion
which I cannot describe over the
absolute completeness of my
wretchedness. I would have drawn from it an augury of my future, but
there is no limit to the possibilities of
misfortune. The door of my
lodging-house stood ajar. A light streamed from the heart-shaped
opening cut in the shutters. Pauline and her mother were sitting up
for me and talking. I heard my name
spoken, and listened.
" 'Raphael is much nicer-looking than the student in number seven,'
said Pauline; 'his fair hair is such a pretty color. Don't you think
there is something in his voice, too, I don't know what it is, that
gives you a sort of a
thrill? And, then, though he may be a little
proud, he is very kind, and he has such fine manners; I am sure that
all the ladies must be quite wild about him.'
" 'You might be fond of him yourself, to hear you talk,' was Madame
Gaudin's comment.
" 'He is just as dear to me as a brother,' she laughed. 'I should be
finely ungrateful if I felt no friendship for him. Didn't he teach me
music and
drawing and grammar, and everything I know in fact? You
don't much notice how I get on, dear mother; but I shall know enough,