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The Magic Skin-Part18_Honore de Balzac(1799-1850)_Translated Works(翻译文学)-第2页

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kept mine in a precarious state of efficiency. It had been neither



strikingly new, nor utterly shabby, neither napless nor over-glossy,

and might have passed for the hat of a frugally given owner, but its



artificially prolonged existence had now reached the final stage, it

was crumpled, forlorn, and completely ruined, a downright rag, a



fitting emblem of its master. My painfully preserved elegance must

collapse for want of thirty sous.



"What unrecognized sacrifices I had made in the past three months for

Foedora! How often I had given the price of a week's sustenance to see



her for a moment! To leave my work and go without food was the least

of it! I must traverse the streets of Paris without getting splashed,



run to escape showers, and reach her rooms at last, as neat and spruce

as any of the coxcombs about her. For a poet and a distracted wooer



the difficulties of this task were endless. My happiness, the course

of my love, might be affected by a speck of mud upon my only white



waistcoat! Oh, to miss the sight of her because I was wet through and

bedraggled, and had not so much as five sous to give to a shoeblack



for removing the least little spot of mud from my boot! The petty

pangs of these nameless torments, which an irritable man finds so



great, only strengthened my passion.

"The unfortunate must make sacrifices which they may not mention to



women who lead refined and luxurious lives. Such women see things

through a prism that gilds all men and their surroundings. Egoism



leads them to take cheerful views, and fashion makes them cruel; they

do not wish to reflect, lest they lose their happiness, and the



absorbing nature of their pleasures absolves their indifference to the

misfortunes of others. A penny never means millions to them; millions,



on the contrary, seem a mere trifle. Perhaps love must plead his cause

by great sacrifices, but a veil must be lightly drawn across them,



they must go down into silence. So when wealthy men pour out their

devotion, their fortunes, and their lives, they gain somewhat by these



commonly entertained opinions, an additional lustre hangs about their

lovers' follies; their silence is eloquent; there is a grace about the



drawn veil; but my terrible distress bound me over to suffer fearfully

or ever I might speak of my love or of dying for her sake.



"Was it a sacrifice after all? Was I not richly rewarded by the joy I

took in sacrificing everything to her? There was no commonest event of



my daily life to which the countess had not given importance, had not

overfilled with happiness. I had been hithertocareless of my clothes,



now I respected my coat as if it had been a second self. I should not

have hesitated between bodily harm and a tear in that garment. You



must enter wholly into my circumstances to understand the stormy

thoughts, the gatheringfrenzy, that shook me as I went, and which,



perhaps, were increased by my walk. I gloated in an infernal fashion

which I cannot describe over the absolute completeness of my



wretchedness. I would have drawn from it an augury of my future, but

there is no limit to the possibilities of misfortune. The door of my



lodging-house stood ajar. A light streamed from the heart-shaped

opening cut in the shutters. Pauline and her mother were sitting up



for me and talking. I heard my name spoken, and listened.

" 'Raphael is much nicer-looking than the student in number seven,'



said Pauline; 'his fair hair is such a pretty color. Don't you think

there is something in his voice, too, I don't know what it is, that



gives you a sort of a thrill? And, then, though he may be a little

proud, he is very kind, and he has such fine manners; I am sure that



all the ladies must be quite wild about him.'

" 'You might be fond of him yourself, to hear you talk,' was Madame



Gaudin's comment.

" 'He is just as dear to me as a brother,' she laughed. 'I should be



finely ungrateful if I felt no friendship for him. Didn't he teach me

music and drawing and grammar, and everything I know in fact? You



don't much notice how I get on, dear mother; but I shall know enough,




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