showered upon me have left indelible impressions behind. Her voice
would cause a
frenzy in me that I could hardly understand. I could
have copied the example of some
prince of Lorraine, and held a live
coal in the hollow of my hand, if her fingers passed
caressingly
through my hair the while. I felt no longer mere
admiration and
desire: I was under the spell; I had met my
destiny. When back again
under my own roof, I still
vaguely saw Foedora in her own home, and
had some indefinable share in her life; if she felt ill, I suffered
too. The next day I used to say to her:
" 'You were not well yesterday.'
"How often has she not stood before me, called by the power of
ecstasy, in the silence of the night! Sometimes she would break in
upon me like a ray of light, make me drop my pen, and put science and
study to
flight in grief and alarm, as she compelled my
admiration by
the
alluring pose I had seen but a short time before. Sometimes I went
to seek her in the spirit world, and would bow down to her as to a
hope, entreating her to let me hear the silver sounds of her voice,
and I would wake at length in tears.
"Once, when she had promised to go to the theatre with me, she took it
suddenly into her head to refuse to go out, and begged me to leave her
alone. I was in such
despair over the perversity which cost me a day's
work, and (if I must
confess it) my last
shilling as well, that I went
alone where she was to have been, desiring to see the play she had
wished to see. I had scarcely seated myself when an electric shock
went through me. A voice told me, 'She is here!' I looked round, and
saw the
countesshidden in the shadow at the back of her box in the
first tier. My look did not waver; my eyes saw her at once with
incredible
clearness; my soul hovered about her life like an insect
above its flower. How had my senses received this
warning? There is
something in these
inward tremors that
shallow people find
astonishing, but the
phenomena of our inner
consciousness are produced
as simple as those of
externalvision; so I was not surprised, but
much vexed. My studies of our
mental faculties, so little understood,
helped me at any rate to find in my own
excitement some living proofs
of my theories. There was something
exceedingly odd in this
combination of lover and man of science, of
downrightidolatry of a
woman with the love of knowledge. The causes of the lover's
despairwere highly interesting to the man of science; and the exultant lover,
on the other hand, put science far away from him in his joy. Foedora
saw me, and grew grave: I annoyed her. I went to her box during the
first
interval, and
finding her alone, I stayed there. Although we had
not
spoken of love, I foresaw an
explanation. I had not told her my
secret, still there was a kind of understanding between us. She used
to tell me her plans for
amusement, and on the
previous evening had
asked with friendly
eagerness if I meant to call the next day. After
any witticism of hers, she would give me an inquiring glance, as if
she had sought to please me alone by it. She would
soothe me if I was
vexed; and if she pouted, I had in some sort a right to ask an
explanation. Before she would
pardon any
blunder, she would keep me a
suppliant for long. All these things that we so relished, were so many
lovers' quarrels. What arch grace she threw into it all! and what
happiness it was to me!
"But now we stood before each other as strangers, with the close
relation between us both suspended. The
countess was glacial: a
pre
sentiment of trouble filled me.
" 'Will you come home with me?' she said, when the play was over.
"There had been a sudden change in the weather, and sleet was falling
in showers as we went out. Foedora's
carriage was
unable to reach the