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light, hearkened to the awful and uncertain voice of inspiration, as

vision upon vision poured from some unknown source through my



throbbing brain.

"No earthly pleasure can compare with the divine delight of watching



the dawn of an idea in the space of abstractions as it rises like the

morning sun; an idea that, better still, attains gradually like a



child to puberty and man's estate. Study lends a kind of enchantment

to all our surroundings. The wretched desk covered with brown leather



at which I wrote, my piano, bed, and armchair, the odd wall-paper and

furniture seemed to have for me a kind of life in them, and to be



humble friends of mine and mute partakers of my destiny. How often

have I confided my soul to them in a glance! A warped bit of beading



often met my eyes, and suggested new developments,--a striking proof

of my system, or a felicitous word by which to render my all but



inexpressible thought. By sheer contemplation of the things about me I

discerned an expression and a character in each. If the setting sun



happened to steal in through my narrow window, they would take new

colors, fade or shine, grow dull or gay, and always amaze me with some



new effect. These trifling incidents of a solitary life, which escape

those preoccupied with outward affairs, make the solace of prisoners.



And what was I but the captive of an idea, imprisoned in my system,

but sustained also by the prospect of a brilliant future? At each



obstacle that I overcame, I seemed to kiss the soft hands of a woman

with a fair face, a wealthy" target="_blank" title="a.富有的;丰富的">wealthy, well-dressed woman, who should some day



say softly, while she caressed my hair:

" 'Poor Angel, how thou hast suffered!'



"I had undertaken two great works--one a comedy that in a very short

time must bring me wealth and fame, and an entry into those circles



whither I wished to return, to exercise the royal privileges of a man

of genius. You all saw nothing in that masterpiece but the blunder of



a young man fresh from college, a babyish fiasco. Your jokes clipped

the wings of a throng of illusions, which have never stirred since



within me. You, dear Emile, alone brought soothing to the deep wounds

that others had made in my heart. You alone will admire my 'Theory of



the Will.' I devoted most of my time to that long work, for which I

studied Oriental languages, physiology and anatomy. If I do not



deceive myself, my labors will complete the task begun by Mesmer,

Lavater, Gall, and Bichat, and open up new paths in science.



"There ends that fair life of mine, the daily sacrifice, the

unrecognized silkworm's toil, that is, perhaps, its own sole



recompense. Since attaining years of discretion, until the day when I

finished my 'Theory,' I observed, learned, wrote, and read



unintermittingly; my life was one long imposition, as schoolboys say.

Though by nature effeminately attached to Oriental indolence, sensual



in tastes, and a wooer of dreams, I worked incessantly, and refused to

taste any of the enjoyments of Parisian life. Though a glutton, I



became abstemious; and loving exercise and sea voyages as I did, and

haunted by the wish to visit many countries, still child enough to



play at ducks and drakes with pebbles over a pond, I led a sedentary

life with a pen in my fingers. I liked talking, but I went to sit and



mutely listen to professors who gave public lectures at the

Bibliotheque or the Museum. I slept upon my solitary pallet like a



Benedictine brother, though woman was my one chimera, a chimera that

fled from me as I wooed it! In short, my life has been a cruel



contradiction, a perpetual cheat. After that, judge a man!

"Sometimes my natural propensities broke out like a fire long



smothered. I was debarred from the women whose society I desired,

stripped of everything and lodged in an artist's garret, and by a sort



of mirage or calenture I was surrounded by captivating mistresses. I




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