life! life as it is; great pretensions, small realities. I meditated
long about myself, debating what I could do after a blow like this
which had mown down every flower of my soul. I
resolved to rush into
the science of
politics, into the
labyrinth of
ambition, to cast woman
from my life and to make myself a
statesman, cold and passionless, and
so remain true to the saint I loved. My thoughts wandered into far-off
regions while my eyes were fastened on the splendid
tapestry of the
yellowing oaks, the stern summits, the bronzed foothills. I asked
myself if Henriette's
virtue were not, after all, that of ignorance,
and if I were indeed
guilty of her death. I fought against
remorse. At
last, in the
sweetness of an autumn
midday, one of those last smiles
of heaven which are so beautiful in Touraine, I read the letter which
at her request I was not to open before her death. Judge of my
feelings as I read it.
Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse:
Felix, friend, loved too well, I must now lay bare my heart to
you,--not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of
obligation you have incurred by the depth and
gravity of the
wounds you have inflicted on it. At this moment, when I sink
exhausted by the toils of life, worn out by the shocks of its
battle, the woman within me is, mercifully, dead; the mother alone
survives. Dear, you are now to see how it was that you were the
original cause of all my sufferings. Later, I
willingly received
your blows; to-day I am dying of the final wound your hand has
given,--but there is joy,
excessive joy in feeling myself
destroyed by him I love.
My
physical sufferings will soon put an end to my
mental strength;
I
therefore use the last clear gleams of
intelligence to implore
you to
befriend my children and
replace the heart of which you
have deprived them. I would
solemnly
impose this duty upon you if
I loved you less; but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself
as an act of
sacredrepentance, and also in
faithful continuance
of your love--love, for us, was ever
mingled with repentant
thoughts and expiatory fears! but--I know it well--we shall
forever love each other. Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act
in itself as the power which I let it have within me. Did I not
tell you I was
jealous,
jealous unto death? Well, I die of it.
But, be comforted, we have kept all human laws. The Church has
told me, by one of her purest voices, that God will be forgiving
to those who
subdue their natural desires to His commandments. My
beloved, you are now to know all, for I would not leave you in
ignorance of any thought of mine. What I
confide to God in my last
hour you, too, must know,--you, king of my heart as He is King of
Heaven.
Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme (the only ball at
which I was ever present), marriage had left me in that ignorance
which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels.
True, I was a mother, but love had never surrounded me with its
permitted pleasures. How did this happen? I do not know; neither
do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment.
You remember your kisses? they have mastered my life, they have
furrowed my soul; the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine;
your youth entered my youth, your desires my soul. When I rose and
left you
proudly I was filled with an
motion" target="_blank" title="n.感情;情绪;激动">
emotion for which I know no
name in any language--for children have not yet found a word to
express the marriage of their eyes with light, nor the kiss of
life laid upon their lips. Yes, it was sound coming in the echo,
light flashing through the darkness,
motion shaking the universe;
at least, it was rapid like all these things, but far more
beautiful, for it was the birth of the soul! I comprehended then
that something, I knew not what, existed for me in the world,--a
force nobler than thought; for it was all thoughts, all forces, it
was the future itself in a shared
motion" target="_blank" title="n.感情;情绪;激动">
emotion. I felt I was but half a
mother. Falling thus upon my heart this
thunderbolt awoke desires
which slumbered there without my knowledge; suddenly I divined all
that my aunt had meant when she kissed my
forehead, murmuring,