酷兔英语

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life! life as it is; great pretensions, small realities. I meditated

long about myself, debating what I could do after a blow like this



which had mown down every flower of my soul. I resolved to rush into

the science of politics, into the labyrinth of ambition, to cast woman



from my life and to make myself a statesman, cold and passionless, and

so remain true to the saint I loved. My thoughts wandered into far-off



regions while my eyes were fastened on the splendid tapestry of the

yellowing oaks, the stern summits, the bronzed foothills. I asked



myself if Henriette's virtue were not, after all, that of ignorance,

and if I were indeed guilty of her death. I fought against remorse. At



last, in the sweetness of an autumn midday, one of those last smiles

of heaven which are so beautiful in Touraine, I read the letter which



at her request I was not to open before her death. Judge of my

feelings as I read it.



Madame de Mortsauf to the Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse:

Felix, friend, loved too well, I must now lay bare my heart to



you,--not so much to prove my love as to show you the weight of

obligation you have incurred by the depth and gravity of the



wounds you have inflicted on it. At this moment, when I sink

exhausted by the toils of life, worn out by the shocks of its



battle, the woman within me is, mercifully, dead; the mother alone

survives. Dear, you are now to see how it was that you were the



original cause of all my sufferings. Later, I willingly received

your blows; to-day I am dying of the final wound your hand has



given,--but there is joy, excessive joy in feeling myself

destroyed by him I love.



My physical sufferings will soon put an end to my mental strength;

I therefore use the last clear gleams of intelligence to implore



you to befriend my children and replace the heart of which you

have deprived them. I would solemnly impose this duty upon you if



I loved you less; but I prefer to let you choose it for yourself

as an act of sacredrepentance, and also in faithful continuance



of your love--love, for us, was ever mingled with repentant

thoughts and expiatory fears! but--I know it well--we shall



forever love each other. Your wrong to me was not so fatal an act

in itself as the power which I let it have within me. Did I not



tell you I was jealous, jealous unto death? Well, I die of it.

But, be comforted, we have kept all human laws. The Church has



told me, by one of her purest voices, that God will be forgiving

to those who subdue their natural desires to His commandments. My



beloved, you are now to know all, for I would not leave you in

ignorance of any thought of mine. What I confide to God in my last



hour you, too, must know,--you, king of my heart as He is King of

Heaven.



Until the ball given to the Duc d'Angouleme (the only ball at

which I was ever present), marriage had left me in that ignorance



which gives to the soul of a young girl the beauty of the angels.

True, I was a mother, but love had never surrounded me with its



permitted pleasures. How did this happen? I do not know; neither

do I know by what law everything within me changed in a moment.



You remember your kisses? they have mastered my life, they have

furrowed my soul; the ardor of your blood awoke the ardor of mine;



your youth entered my youth, your desires my soul. When I rose and

left you proudly I was filled with an motion" target="_blank" title="n.感情;情绪;激动">emotion for which I know no



name in any language--for children have not yet found a word to

express the marriage of their eyes with light, nor the kiss of



life laid upon their lips. Yes, it was sound coming in the echo,

light flashing through the darkness, motion shaking the universe;



at least, it was rapid like all these things, but far more

beautiful, for it was the birth of the soul! I comprehended then



that something, I knew not what, existed for me in the world,--a

force nobler than thought; for it was all thoughts, all forces, it



was the future itself in a shared motion" target="_blank" title="n.感情;情绪;激动">emotion. I felt I was but half a

mother. Falling thus upon my heart this thunderbolt awoke desires



which slumbered there without my knowledge; suddenly I divined all

that my aunt had meant when she kissed my forehead, murmuring,






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