avenue, looking back again and again at Madame de Mortsauf, as she
leaned against a tree surrounded by her children who waved their
handkerchiefs, I detected in my soul an
emotion of pride in finding
myself the arbiter of two such destinies; the glory, in ways so
different, of women so
distinguished; proud of inspiring such great
passions that death must come to
whichever I
abandoned. Ah! believe
me, that passing
conceit has been
doubly punished!
I know not what demon prompted me to remain with Arabella and await
the moment when the death of the count might give me Henriette; for
she would ever love me. Her harshness, her tears, her
remorse, her
Christian
resignation, were so many
eloquent signs of a
sentiment that
could no more be effaced from her heart than from mine. Walking slowly
down that pretty avenue and making these reflections, I was no longer
twenty-five, I was fifty years old. A man passes in a moment, even
more quickly than a woman, from youth to middle age. Though long ago I
drove these evil thoughts away from me, I was then possessed by them,
I must avow it. Perhaps I owed their presence in my mind to the
Tuileries, to the king's
cabinet. Who could
resist the polluting
spirit of Louis XVIII.?
When I reached the end of the avenue I turned and rushed back in the
twinkling of an eye,
seeing that Henriette was still there, and alone!
I went to bid her a last
farewell, bathed in repentant tears, the
cause of which she never knew. Tears
sincere indeed; given, although I
knew it not, to noble loves forever lost, to
virginemotions--those
flowers of our life which cannot bloom again. Later, a man gives
nothing, he receives; he loves himself in his
mistress; but in youth
he loves his
mistress in himself. Later, we inoculate with our tastes,
perhaps our vices, the woman who loves us; but in the dawn of life she
whom we love conveys to us her virtues, her
conscience. She invites us
with a smile to the noble life; from her we learn the self-devotion
which she practises. Woe to the man who has not had his Henriette. Woe
to that other one who has never known a Lady Dudley. The latter, if he
marries, will not be able to keep his wife; the other will be
abandoned by his
mistress. But joy to him who can find the two women
in one woman; happy the man, dear Natalie, whom you love.
After my return to Paris Arabella and I became more
intimate than
ever. Soon we insensibly
abandoned all the
conventional re
strictions I
had carefully imposed, the
strictobservance of which often makes the
world
forgive the false position in which Lady Dudley had placed
herself. Society, which delights in looking behind appearances,
sanctions much as soon as it knows the secrets they
conceal. Lovers
who live in the great world make a mistake in flinging down these
barriers exacted by the law of salons; they do wrong not to obey
scrupulously all conventions which the manners and customs of a
community impose,--less for the sake of others than for their own.
Outward respect to be maintained, comedies to play,
concealments to be
managed; all such
strategy of love occupies the life, renews desire,
and protects the heart against the palsy of habit. But all young
passions, being, like youth itself,
essentially spendthrift, raze
their forests to the ground instead of merely cutting the timber.
Arabella adopted none of these bourgeois ideas, and yielded to them
only to please me; she wished to
exhibit me to the eyes of all Paris
as her "sposo." She employed her powers of seduction to keep me under
her roof, for she was not content with a rumored
scandal which, for
want of proof, was only whispered behind the fans. Seeing her so happy
in committing an imprudence which
frankly admitted her position, how
could I help believing in her love?
But no sooner was I plunged into the comforts of
illegal marriage than
despair seized upon me; I saw my life bound to a course in direct
defiance of the ideas and the advice given me by Henriette.
Thenceforth I lived in the sort of rage we find in consumptive
patients who,
knowing their end is near, cannot
endure that their
lungs should be examined. There was no corner in my heart where I
could fly to escape
suffering; an avenging spirit filled me
incessantly with thoughts on which I dared not dwell. My letters to