sacrifice everything."
The world was suddenly reversed before her, her ideas became confused.
The
grandeur of that thought struck her; a
suspicion entered her mind
that sacrifice, immolation justified happiness; the echo of her own
inward cry for love came back to her; she stood dumb in presence of
her wasted life. Yes, for a moment
horrible doubts possessed her; then
she rose, grand and saintly, her head erect.
"Love her well, Felix," she said, with tears in her eyes; "she shall
be my happy sister. I will
forgive her the harm she has done me if she
gives you what you could not have here. You are right; I have never
told you that I loved you, and I never have loved you as the world
loves. But if she is a mother how can she love you so?"
"Dear saint," I answered, "I must be less moved than I am now, before
I can explain to you how it is that you soar victoriously above her.
She is a woman of earth, the daughter of decaying races; you are the
child of heaven, an angel
worthy of
worship; you have my heart, she my
flesh only. She knows this and it fills her with
despair; she would
change parts with you even though the cruellest
martyrdom were the
price of the change. But all is irremediable. To you the soul, to you
the thoughts, the love that is pure, to you youth and old age; to her
the desires and joys of passing
passion; to you
remembrance forever,
to her oblivion--"
"Tell me, tell me that again, oh, my friend!" she turned to a bench
and sat down, bursting into tears. "If that be so, Felix,
virtue,
purity of life, a mother's love, are not mistakes. Oh, pour that balm
upon my wounds! Repeat the words which bear me back to heaven, where
once I longed to rise with you. Bless me by a look, by a
sacred word,
--I
forgive you for the sufferings you have caused me the last two
months."
"Henriette, there are mysteries in the life of men of which you know
nothing. I met you at an age when the feelings of the heart
stifle the
desires implanted in our nature; but many scenes, the memory of which
will
kindle my soul to the hour of death, must have told you that this
age was
drawing to a close, and it was your
constanttriumph still to
prolong its mute delights. A love without possession is maintained by
the exasperation of desire; but there comes a moment when all is
suffering within us--for in this we have no
resemblance to you. We
possess a power we cannot abdicate, or we cease to be men. Deprived of
the
nourishment it needs, the heart feeds upon itself, feeling an
exhaustion which is not death, but which precedes it. Nature cannot
long be silenced; some
trifling accident awakens it to a
violence that
seems like
madness. No, I have not loved, but I have thirsted in the
desert."
"The desert!" she said
bitterly, pointing to the
valley. "Ah!" she
exclaimed, "how he reasons! what subtle distinctions! Faithful hearts
are not so learned."
"Henriette," I said, "do not quarrel with me for a chance expression.
No, my soul has not vacillated, but I have not been master of my
senses. That woman is not
ignorant that you are the only one I ever
loved. She plays a
secondary part in my life; she knows it and is
resigned. I have the right to leave her as men leave courtesans."
"And then?"
"She tells me that she will kill herself," I answered, thinking that
this
resolve would
startle Henriette. But when she heard it a
disdainful smile, more
expressive than the thoughts it conveyed,
flickered on her lips. "My dear conscience," I continued, "if you
would take into
account my
resistance and the seductions that led to
my fall you would understand the fatal--"
"Yes, fatal!" she cried. "I believed in you too much. I believed you
capable of the
virtue a
priest practises. All is over," she continued,
after a pause. "I owe you much, my friend; you have extinguished in me
the fires of
earthly life. The worst of the way is over; age is coming
on. I am ailing now, soon I may be ill; I can never be the brilliant
fairy who showers you with favors. Be
faithful to Lady Dudley.
Madeleine, whom I was training to be yours, ah! who will have her now?
Poor Madeleine, poor Madeleine!" she
repeated, like the mournful
burden of a song. "I would you had heard her say to me when you came:
'Mother, you are not kind to Felix!' Dear creature!"
She looked at me in the warm rays of the
setting sun as they glided