flesh, she shed the rays, undeviating, incorruptible, of the
divinelove, which satisfies the soul only. She rose to heights whither the
prismatic pinions of a love like mine were
powerless to bear me. To
reach her a man must needs have won the white wings of the seraphim.
"In all that happens to me I will ask myself," I said, "'What would my
Henriette say?'"
"Yes, I will be the star and the
sanctuary both," she said, alluding
to the dreams of my childhood.
"You are my light and my religion," I cried; "you shall be my all."
"No," she answered; "I can never be the source of your pleasures."
She sighed; the smile of secret pain was on her lips, the smile of the
slave who momentarily revolts. From that day forth she was to me, not
merely my
beloved, but my only love; she was not IN my heart as a
woman who takes a place, who makes it hers by
devotion or by
excess of
pleasure given; but she was my heart itself,--it was all hers, a
something necessary to the play of my muscles. She became to me as
Beatrice to the Florentine, as the spotless Laura to the Venetian, the
mother of great thoughts, the secret cause of resolutions which saved
me, the support of my future, the light shining in the darkness like a
lily in a wood. Yes, she inspired those high resolves which pass
through flames, which save the thing in peril; she gave me a constancy
like Coligny's to
vanquish conquerors, to rise above defeat, to weary
the strongest wrestler.
The next day, having breakfasted at Frapesle and bade adieu to my kind
hosts, I went to Clochegourde. Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf had
arranged to drive with me to Tours,
whence I was to start the same
night for Paris. During the drive the
countess was silent; she
pretended at first to have a
headache; then she blushed at the
falsehood, and expiated it by
saying that she could not see me go
without regret. The count invited me to stay with them
whenever, in
the
absence of the Chessels, I might long to see the
valley of the
Indre once more. We parted heroically, without
apparent tears, but
Jacques, who like other
delicate children was quickly touched, began
to cry, while Madeleine, already a woman, pressed her mother's hand.
"Dear little one!" said the
countess, kissing Jacques
passionately.
When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild,
inexplicable desire
known only to young blood possessed me. I hired a horse and rode from
Tours to Pont-de-Ruan in an hour and a quarter. There,
ashamed of my
folly, I dismounted, and went on foot along the road, stepping
cautiously like a spy till I reached the
terrace. The
countess was not
there, and I imagined her ill; I had kept the key of the little gate,
by which I now entered; she was coming down the steps of the portico
with the two children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender
melancholy of the
landscape, bathed at that moment in the
setting sun.
"Mother, here is Felix," said Madeleine.
"Yes," I whispered; "it is I. I asked myself why I should stay at
Tours while I still could see you; why not
indulge a desire that in a
few days more I could not gratify."
"He won't leave us again, mother," cried Jacques, jumping round me.
"Hush!" said Madeleine; "if you make such a noise the general will
come."
"It is not right," she said. "What folly!"
The tears in her voice were the
payment of what must be called a
usurious
speculation of love.
"I had forgotten to return this key," I said smiling.
"Then you will never return," she said.
"Can we ever be really parted?" I asked, with a look which made her
drop her eyelids for all answer.
I left her after a few moments passed in that happy stupor of the
spirit where exaltation ends and
ecstasy begins. I went with lagging
step, looking back at every minute. When, from the
summit of the hill,
I saw the
valley for the last time I was struck with the
contrast it
presented to what it was when I first came there. Then it was verdant,
then it glowed, glowed and blossomed like my hopes and my desires.
Initiated now into the
gloomy secrets of a family, sharing the anguish
of a Christian Niobe, sad with her
sadness, my soul darkened, I saw