But if I enjoyed the
delightful benefits of naturalization in a family
where I found relations after my own heart, I had also to pay some
costs for it. Until then Monsieur de Mortsauf had more or less
restrained himself before me. I had only seen his failings in the
mass; I was now to see the full
extent of their
application and
discover how nobly
charitable the
countess had been in the
account she
had given me of these daily struggles. I
learned now all the angles of
her husband's
intolerable nature; I heard his
perpetual scolding about
nothing, complaints of evils of which not a sign existed; I saw the
inward
dissatisfaction which poisoned his life, and the
incessant need
of his tyrannical spirit for new
victims. When we went to walk in the
evenings he selected the way; but
whichever direction we took he was
always bored; when we reached home he blamed others; his wife had
insisted on going where she wanted; why was he governed by her in all
the
trifling things of life? was he to have no will, no thought of his
own? must he consent to be a cipher in his own house? If his harshness
was to be received in patient silence he was angry because he felt a
limit to his power; he asked
sharply if religion did not require a
wife to please her husband, and whether it was proper to
despise the
father of her children? He always ended by
touching some sensitive
chord in his wife's mind; and he seemed to find a domineering pleasure
in making it sound. Sometimes he tried
gloomy silence and a morbid
depression, which always alarmed his wife and made her pay him the
most tender attentions. Like petted children, who exercise their power
without thinking of the
distress of their mother, he would let her
wait upon him as upon Jacques and Madeleine, of whom he was jealous.
I discovered at last that in small things as well as in great ones the
count acted towards his servants, his children, his wife,
precisely as
he had acted to me about the backgammon. The day when I understood,
root and branch, these difficulties, which like a rampant overgrowth
repressed the actions and stifled the breathing of the whole family,
hindered the
management of the household and retarded the improvement
of the
estate by complicating the most necessary acts, I felt an
admiring awe which rose higher than my love and drove it back into my
heart. Good God! what was I? Those tears that I had taken on my lips
solemnized my spirit; I found happiness in
wedding the
sufferings of
that woman. Hitherto I had yielded to the count's despotism as the
smuggler pays his fine;
henceforth I was a
voluntaryvictim that I
might come the nearer to her. The
countess understood me, allowed me a
place beside her, and gave me
permission to share her sorrows; like
the repentant apostate, eager to rise to heaven with his brethren, I
obtained the favor of dying in the arena.
"Were it not for you I must have succumbed under this life," Henriette
said to me one evening when the count had been, like the flies on a
hot day, more stinging,
venomous, and
persistent than usual.
He had gone to bed. Henriette and I remained under the acacias; the
children were playing about us, bathed in the
setting sun. Our few
exclamatory words revealed the mutuality of the thoughts in which we
rested from our common
sufferings. When language failed silence as
faithfully served our souls, which seemed to enter one another without
hindrance; together they luxuriated in the charms of
pensive languor,
they met in the undulations of the same dream, they plunged as one
into the river and came out refreshed like two nymphs as closely
united as their souls could wish, but with no
earthly tie to bind
them. We entered the unfathomable gulf, we returned to the surface
with empty hands, asking each other by a look, "Among all our days on
earth will there be one for us?"
In spite of the
tranquilpoetry of evening which gave to the bricks of
the balustrade their orange tones, so soothing and so pure; in spite
of the religious
atmosphere of the hour, which softened the voices of
the children and wafted them towards us, desire crept through my veins
like the match to the bonfire. After three months of repression I was
unable to content myself with the fate assigned me. I took Henriette's
hand and
softly caressed it,
trying to
convey to her the ardor that