"In the first place, Monsieur de Mortsauf would think he were lost if
I left him. Though he will not admit his condition he is well aware of
it. He is both sane and mad, two natures in one man, a contradiction
which explains many an irrational action. Besides this, he would have
good reason for objecting. Nothing would go right here if I were
absent. You may have seen in me the mother of a family
watchful to
protect her young from the hawk that is hovering over them; a weighty
task, indeed, but harder still are the cares imposed upon me by
Monsieur de Mortsauf, whose
constant cry, as he follows me about is,
'Where is Madame?' I am Jacques' tutor and Madeleine's
governess; but
that is not all, I am bailiff and
steward too. You will understand
what that means when you come to see, as you will, that the
working of
an
estate in these parts is the most fatiguing of all employments. We
get small returns in money; the farms are
cultivated on shares, a
system which needs the closest
supervision. We are obliged ourselves
to sell our own produce, our cattle and harvests of all kinds. Our
competitors in the markets are our own farmers, who meet consumers in
the wine-shops and determine prices by selling first. I should weary
you if I explained the many difficulties of
agriculture in this
region. No matter what care I give to it, I cannot always prevent our
tenants from putting our
manure upon their ground, I cannot be ever on
the watch lest they take
advantage of us in the division of the crops;
neither can I always know the exact moment when sales should be made.
So, if you think of Monsieur de Mortsauf's
defective memory, and the
difficulty you have seen me have in persuading him to attend to
business, you can understand the burden that is on my shoulders, and
the
impossibility of my laying it down for a single day. If I were
absent we should be ruined. No one would obey Monsieur de Mortsauf. In
the first place his orders are conflicting; then no one likes him; he
finds
incessant fault, and he is very domineering. Moreover, like all
men of
feeble mind, he listens too
readily to his inferiors. If I left
the house not a servant would be in it in a week's time. So you see I
am attached to Clochegourde as those leaden finals are to our roof. I
have no reserves with you. The whole country-side is still
ignorant of
the secrets of this house, but you know them, you have seen them. Say
nothing but what is kind and friendly, and you shall have my esteem--
my gratitude," she added in a softer voice. "On those terms you are
welcome at Clochegourde, where you will find friends."
"Ah!" I exclaimed, "I see that I have never really suffered, while
you--"
"No, no!" she exclaimed, with a smile, that smile of all resigned
women which might melt a
granite rock. "Do not be astonished at my
frank confidence; it shows you life as it is, not as your imagination
pictures it. We all have our defects and our good qualities. If I had
married a spendthrift he would have ruined me. If I had given myself
to an
ardent and pleasure-
loving young man, perhaps I could not have
retained him; he might have left me, and I should have died of
jealousy. For I am jealous!" she said, in a tone of
excitement, which
was like the thunderclap of a passing storm. "But Monsieur de Mortsauf
loves me as much as he is
capable of
loving; all that his heart
contains of
affection he pours at my feet, like the Magdalen's cup of
ointment. Believe me, a life of love is an
exception to the laws of
this earth; all flowers fade; great joys and emotions have a
morrow of
evil--if a
morrow at all. Real life is a life of
anguish; its image is
in that
nettle growing there at the foot of the wall,--no sun can
reach it and it keeps green. Yet, here, as in parts of the North,
there are smiles in the sky, few to be sure, but they
compensate for
many a grief. Moreover, women who are naturally mothers live and love
far more through sacrifices than through pleasures. Here I draw upon
myself the storms I fear may break upon my children or my people; and
in doing so I feel a something I cannot explain, which gives me secret
courage. The
resignation of the night carries me through the day that
follows. God does not leave me comfortless. Time was when the
condition of my children filled me with
despair; to-day as they