reasons. In the first place she was pure as a child, and her thoughts
wandered into no
forbidden regions; in the next I amused the count and
made a sop for that lion without claws or mane. I found an excuse for
my visits which seemed plausible to every one. Monsieur de Mortsauf
proposed to teach me backgammon, and I accepted; as I did so the
countess was betrayed into a look of
compassion, which seemed to say,
"You are flinging yourself into the jaws of the lion." If I did not
understand this at the time, three days had not passed before I knew
what I had undertaken. My
patience, which nothing exhausts, the fruit
of my
miserablechildhood, ripened under this last trial. The count
was
delighted when he could jeer at me for not putting in practice the
principles or the rules he had explained; if I reflected before I
played he complained of my slowness; if I played fast he was angry
because I
hurried him; if I forgot to mark my points he declared,
making his profit out of the mistake, that I was always too rapid. It
was like the
tyranny of a
schoolmaster, the despotism of the rod, of
which I can really give you no idea unless I compare myself to
Epictetus under the yoke of a
malicious child. When we played for
money his winnings gave him the meanest and most
abject delight.
A word from his wife was enough to
console me, and it frequently
recalled him to a sense of
politeness and good-breeding. But before
long I fell into the
furnace of an
unexpectedmisery. My money was
disappearing under these losses. Though the count was always present
during my visits until I left the house, which was sometimes very
late, I cherished the hope of
finding some moment when I might say a
word that would reach my idol's heart; but to
obtain that moment, for
which I watched and waited with a hunter's
painfulpatience, I was
forced to continue these weary games, during which my feelings were
lacerated and my money lost. Still, there were moments when we were
silent, she and I, looking at the
sunlight on the meadows, the clouds
in a gray sky, the misty hills, or the quivering of the moon on the
sandbanks of the river;
saying only, "Night is beautiful!"
"Night is woman, madame."
"What tranquillity!"
"Yes, no one can be
absolutely
wretched here."
Then she would return to her
embroidery frame. I came at last to hear
the
inward beatings of an
affection which sought its object. But the
fact remained--without money,
farewell to these evenings. I wrote to
my mother to send me some. She scolded me and sent only enough to last
a week. Where could I get more? My life depended on it. Thus it
happened that in the dawn of my first great happiness I found the same
sufferings that assailed me
elsewhere; but in Paris, at college, at
school I evaded them by abstinence; there my privations were negative,
at Frapesle they were active; so active that I was possessed by the
impulse to theft, by visions of crime,
furious desperations which rend
the soul and must be subdued under pain of losing our self-respect.
The memory of what I suffered through my mother's parsimony taught me
that
indulgence for young men which one who has stood upon the brink
of the abyss and measured its depths, without falling into them, must
inevitably feel. Though my own rectitude was strengthened by those
moments when life opened and let me see the rocks and quicksands
beneath the surface, I have never known that terrible thing called
human justice draw its blade through the
throat of a
criminal without
saying to myself: "Penal laws are made by men who have never known
misery."
At this
crisis I happened to find a
treatise on backgammon in Monsieur
de Chessel's library, and I
studied it. My host was kind enough to
give me a few lessons; less
harshly taught by the count I made good
progress and
applied the rules and calculations I knew by heart.
Within a few days I was able to beat Monsieur de Mortsauf; but no