spending some days with him alone, I have imagined myself the most
stupid creature in the world, till the abilities of some casual
visitor convinced me that I had some dormant animation, and sentiments
above the dust in which I had been groveling. The very
countenanceof my husband changed; his
complexion became sallow, and all the
charms of youth were vanishing with its vivacity.
"I give you one view of the subject; but these experiments
and alterations took up the space of five years; during which
period, I had most
reluctantly extorted several sums from my uncle,
to save my husband, to use his own words, from destruction.
At first it was to prevent bills being noted, to the
injury of
his credit; then to bail him; and afterwards to prevent an execution
from entering the house. I began at last to conclude, that he
would have made more exertions of his own to extricate himself,
had he not relied on mine, cruel as was the task he imposed on me;
and I
firmly determined that I would make use of no more pretexts.
"From the moment I
pronounced this
determination, indifference
on his part was changed into rudeness, or something worse.
"He now seldom dined at home, and
continually returned at a
late hour, drunk, to bed. I
retired to another
apartment; I was
glad, I own, to escape from his; for personal
intimacy without
affection, seemed, to me the most degrading, as well as the most
painful state in which a woman of any taste, not to speak of the
peculiar
delicacy of fostered sensibility, could be placed. But
my husband's
fondness for women was of the grossest kind, and
imagination was so
wholly out of the question, as to render his
indulgences of this sort entirely promiscuous, and of the most
brutal nature. My health suffered, before my heart was entirely
estranged by the
loathsome information; could I then have returned
to his sullied arms, but as a
victim to the prejudices of mankind,
who have made women the property of their husbands? I discovered
even, by his conversation, when intoxicated that his favourites
were wantons of the lowest class, who could by their vulgar,
indecent mirth, which he called nature, rouse his
sluggish spirits.
Meretricious ornaments and manners were necessary to attract his
attention. He seldom looked twice at a
modest woman, and sat silent
in their company; and the charms of youth and beauty had not the
slightest effect on his senses, unless the possessors were initiated
in vice. His
intimacy with profligate women, and his habits of
thinking, gave him a
contempt for
female endowments; and he would
repeat, when wine had loosed his tongue, most of the common-place
sarcasms levelled at them, by men who do not allow them to have
minds, because mind would be an
impediment to gross enjoyment.
Men who are
inferior to their fellow men, are always most
anxiousto establish their
superiority over women. But where are these
reflections leading me?
"Women who have lost their husband's
affection, are
justlyreproved for neglecting their persons, and not
taking the same
pains to keep, as to gain a heart; but who thinks of giving the
same advice to men, though women are
continually stigmatized for
being attached to fops; and from the nature of their education,
are more
susceptible of
disgust? Yet why a woman should be expected
to
endure a sloven, with more
patience than a man, and magnanimously
to
govern herself, I cannot
conceive; unless it be
supposed arrogant
in her to look for respect as well as a
maintenance. It is not
easy to be pleased, because, after
promising to love, in different
circumstances, we are told that it is our duty. I cannot, I am