章节正文
And remembering how those very beliefs had repelled me and had
seemed meaningless when professed by people whose lives conflictedwith them, and how these same beliefs attracted me and seemed
reasonable when I saw that people lived in accord with them, Iunderstood why I had then rejected those beliefs and found them
meaningless, yet now accepted them and found them full of meaning. I understood that I had erred, and why I erred. I had erred not so
much because I thought incorrectly as because I lived badly. Iunderstood that it was not an error in my thought that had hid
truth from me as much as my life itself in the exceptionalconditions of epicurean gratification of desires in which I passed
it. I understood that my question as to what my life is, and theanswer -- and evil -- was quite correct. The only mistake was that
the answer referred only to my life, while I had referred it tolife in general. I asked myself what my life is, and got the
reply: An evil and an absurdity. and really my life -- a life ofindulgence of desires -- was senseless and evil, and therefore the
reply, "Life is evil and an absurdity", referred only to my life,but not to human life in general. I understood the truth which I
afterwards found in the Gospels, "that men loved darkness ratherthan the light, for their works were evil. For everyone that doeth
ill hateth the light, and cometh not to the light, lest his worksshould be reproved." I perceived that to understand the meaning of
life it is necessary first that life should not be meaningless andevil, then we can apply reason to explain it. I understood why I
had so long wandered round so evident a truth, and that if one isto think and speak of the life of mankind, one must think and speak
of that life and not of the life of some of life's parasites. Thattruth was always as true as that two and two are four, but I had
not acknowledged it, because on admitting two and two to be four Ihad also to admit that I was bad; and to feel myself to be good was
for me more important and necessary than for two and two to befour. I came to love good people, hated myself, and confessed the
truth. Now all became clear to me. What if an executioner passing his whole life in torturing
people and cutting off their heads, or a hopelessdrunkard, or amadman settled for life in a dark room which he has fouled and
imagines that he would perish if he left -- what if he askedhimself: "What is life?" Evidently he could not other reply to
that question than that life is the greatest evil, and the madman'sanswer would be perfectly correct, but only as applied to himself.
What if I am such a madman? What if all we rich and leisuredpeople are such madmen? and I understood that we really are such
madmen. I at any rate was certainly such. And indeed a bird is so made that it must fly, collect food,
and build a nest, and when I see that a bird does this I havepleasure in its joy. A goat, a hare, and a wolf are so made that
they must feed themselves, and must breed and feed their family,and when they do so I feel firmlyassured that they are happy and
that their life is a reasonable one. then what should a man do? He too should produce his living as the animals do, but with this
difference, that he will perish if he does it alone; he must obtainit not for himself but for all. And when he does that, I have a
firm assurance that he is happy and that his life is reasonable. But what had I done during the whole thirty years of my responsible
life? Far from producing sustenance for all, I did not evenproduce it for myself. I lived as a parasite, and on asking
myself, what is the use of my life? I got the reply: "No use." Ifthe meaning of human life lies in supporting it, how could I -- who
for thirty years had been engaged not on supporting life but ondestroying it in myself and in others -- how could I obtain any
other answer than that my life was senseless and an evil? ... Itwas both senseless and evil.
The life of the world endures by someone's will -- by the lifeof the whole world and by our lives someone fulfills his purpose.
To hope to understand the meaning of that will one must firstperform it by doing what is wanted of us. But if I will not do
what is wanted of me, I shall never understand what is wanted ofme, and still less what is wanted of us all and of the whole world.
If a naked, hungry beggar has been taken from the cross-roads,brought into a building belonging to a beautiful establishment,
fed, supplied with drink, and obliged to move a handle up and down,evidently, before discussing why he was taken, why he should move
the handle, and whether the whole establishment is reasonablyarranged -- the begger should first of all move the handle. If he
moves the handle he will understand that it works a pump, that thepump draws water and that the water irrigates the garden beds; then
he will be taken from the pumping station to another place where hewill gather fruits and will enter into the joy of his master, and,
passing from lower to higher work, will understand more and more ofthe arrangements of the establishment, and taking part in it will
never think of asking why he is there, and will certainly notreproach the master.
So those who do his will, the simple, unlearned working folk,whom we regard as cattle, do not reproach the master; but we, the
wise, eat the master's food but do not do what the master wishes,and instead of doing it sit in a circle and discuss: "Why should
that handle be moved? Isn't it stupid?" So we have decided. Wehave decided that the master is stupid, or does not exist, and that
we are wise, only we feel that we are quite useless and that wemust somehow do away with ourselves.
XII The consciousness of the error in reasonable knowledge helped
me to free myself from the temptation of idle ratiocination. theconviction that knowledge of truth can only be found by living led
me to doubt the rightness of my life; but I was saved only by thefact that I was able to tear myself from my exclusiveness and to
see the real life of the plain working people, and to understandthat it alone is real life. I understood that if I wish to
understand life and its meaning, I must not live the life of aparasite, but must live a real life, and -- taking the meaning
given to live by real humanity and merging myself in that life --verify it.
During that time this is what happened to me. During thatwhole year, when I was asking myself almost every moment whether I
should not end matters with a noose or a bullet -- all that time,together with the course of thought and observation about which I
have spoken, my heart was oppressed with a painful feeling, whichI can only describe as a search for God.
I say that that search for God was not reasoning, but afeeling, because that search proceeded not from the course of my
thoughts -- it was even directly contrary to them -- but proceededfrom the heart. It was a feeling of fear, orphanage, isolation in
a strange land, and a hope of help from someone. Though I was quite convinced of the impossibility of proving
the existence of a Deity (Kant had shown, and I quite understoodhim, that it could not be proved), I yet sought for god, hoped that
I should find Him, and from old habit addressed prayers to thatwhich I sought but had not found. I went over in my mind the
arguments of Kant and Schopenhauer showing the impossibility ofproving the existence of a God, and I began to verify those
arguments and to refute them. Cause, said I to myself, is not acategory of thought such as are Time and Space. If I exist, there
must be some cause for it, and a cause of causes. And that firstcause of all is what men have called "God". And I paused on that
thought, and tried with all my being to recognize the presence ofthat cause. And as soon as I acknowledged that there is a force in
whose power I am, I at once felt that I could live. But I askedmyself: What is that cause, that force? How am I to think of it?
What are my relations to that which I call "God"? And only thefamiliar replies occurred to me: "He is the Creator and
Preserver." This reply did not satisfy me, and I felt I was losingwithin me what I needed for my life. I became terrified and began
to pray to Him whom I sought, that He should help me. But the moreI prayed the more apparent it became to me that He did not hear me,
and that there was no one to whom to address myself. And withdespair in my heart that there is no God at all, I said: "Lord,
have mercy, save me! Lord, teach me!" But no one had mercy on me,and I felt that my life was coming to a standstill.
But again and again, from various sides, I returned to thesame conclusion that I could not have come into the world without
any cause or reason or meaning; I could not be such a fledglingfallen from its nest as I felt myself to be. Or, granting that I
be such, lying on my back crying in the high grass, even then I crybecause I know that a mother has borne me within her, has hatched
me, warmed me, fed me, and loved me. Where is she -- that mother? If I have been deserted, who has deserted me? I cannot hide from
myself that someone bored me, loving me. Who was that someone? Again "God"? He knows and sees my searching, my despair, and my
struggle." "He exists," said I to myself. And I had only for an instant
to admit that, and at once life rose within me, and I felt thepossibility and joy of being. But again, from the admission of the
existence of a God I went on to seek my relation with Him; andagain I imagined *that* God -- our Creator in Three Persons who
sent His Son, the Saviour -- and again *that* God, detached fromthe world and from me, melted like a block of ice, melted before my
eyes, and again nothing remained, and again the spring of lifedried up within me, and I despaired and felt that I had nothing to
do but to kill myself. And the worst of all was, that I felt Icould not do it.
Not twice or three times, but tens and hundreds of times, Ireached those conditions, first of joy and animation, and then of
despair and consciousness of the impossibility of living. I remember that it was in early spring: I was alone in the
wood listening to its sounds. I listened and thought ever of thesame thing, as I had constantly done during those last three years.
I was again seeking God. "Very well, there is no God," said I to myself; "there is no
one who is not my imagination but a reality like my whole life. He does not exist, and no miracles can prove His existence, because
the miracles would be my imagination, besides being irrational. "But my *perception* of God, of Him whom I seek," I asked
myself, "where has that perception come from?" And again at thisthought the glad waves of life rose within me. All that was around
me came to life and received a meaning. But my joy did not lastlong. My mind continued its work.
"The conception of God is not God," said I to myself. "Theconception is what takes place within me. The conception of God is
something I can evoke or can refrain from evoking in myself. Thatis not what I seek. I seek that without which there can be no
life." And again all around me and within me began to die, andagain I wished to kill myself.
But then I turned my gaze upon myself, on what went on withinme, and I remembered all those cessations of life and reanimations
that recurred within me hundreds of times. I remembered that Ionly lived at those times when I believed in God. As it was
before, so it was now; I need only be aware of God to live; I needonly forget Him, or disbelieve Him, and I died.
What is this animation and dying? I do not live when I losebelief in the existence of God. I should long ago have killed
myself had I not had a dim hope of finding Him. I live, reallylive, only when I feel Him and seek Him. "What more do you seek?"
exclaimed a voice within me. "This is He. He is that withoutwhich one cannot live. To know God and to live is one and the same
thing. God is life." "Live seeking God, and then you will not live without God."
And more than ever before, all within me and around me lit up, andthe light did not again abandon me.
And I was saved from suicide. When and how this changeoccurred I could not say. As imperceptibly and gradually the force
seemed meaningless when professed by people whose lives conflictedwith them, and how these same beliefs attracted me and seemed
reasonable when I saw that people lived in accord with them, Iunderstood why I had then rejected those beliefs and found them
meaningless, yet now accepted them and found them full of meaning. I understood that I had erred, and why I erred. I had erred not so
much because I thought incorrectly as because I lived badly. Iunderstood that it was not an error in my thought that had hid
truth from me as much as my life itself in the exceptionalconditions of epicurean gratification of desires in which I passed
it. I understood that my question as to what my life is, and theanswer -- and evil -- was quite correct. The only mistake was that
the answer referred only to my life, while I had referred it tolife in general. I asked myself what my life is, and got the
reply: An evil and an absurdity. and really my life -- a life ofindulgence of desires -- was senseless and evil, and therefore the
reply, "Life is evil and an absurdity", referred only to my life,but not to human life in general. I understood the truth which I
afterwards found in the Gospels, "that men loved darkness ratherthan the light, for their works were evil. For everyone that doeth
ill hateth the light, and cometh not to the light, lest his worksshould be reproved." I perceived that to understand the meaning of
life it is necessary first that life should not be meaningless andevil, then we can apply reason to explain it. I understood why I
had so long wandered round so evident a truth, and that if one isto think and speak of the life of mankind, one must think and speak
of that life and not of the life of some of life's parasites. Thattruth was always as true as that two and two are four, but I had
not acknowledged it, because on admitting two and two to be four Ihad also to admit that I was bad; and to feel myself to be good was
for me more important and necessary than for two and two to befour. I came to love good people, hated myself, and confessed the
truth. Now all became clear to me. What if an executioner passing his whole life in torturing
people and cutting off their heads, or a hopelessdrunkard, or amadman settled for life in a dark room which he has fouled and
imagines that he would perish if he left -- what if he askedhimself: "What is life?" Evidently he could not other reply to
that question than that life is the greatest evil, and the madman'sanswer would be perfectly correct, but only as applied to himself.
What if I am such a madman? What if all we rich and leisuredpeople are such madmen? and I understood that we really are such
madmen. I at any rate was certainly such. And indeed a bird is so made that it must fly, collect food,
and build a nest, and when I see that a bird does this I havepleasure in its joy. A goat, a hare, and a wolf are so made that
they must feed themselves, and must breed and feed their family,and when they do so I feel firmlyassured that they are happy and
that their life is a reasonable one. then what should a man do? He too should produce his living as the animals do, but with this
difference, that he will perish if he does it alone; he must obtainit not for himself but for all. And when he does that, I have a
firm assurance that he is happy and that his life is reasonable. But what had I done during the whole thirty years of my responsible
life? Far from producing sustenance for all, I did not evenproduce it for myself. I lived as a parasite, and on asking
myself, what is the use of my life? I got the reply: "No use." Ifthe meaning of human life lies in supporting it, how could I -- who
for thirty years had been engaged not on supporting life but ondestroying it in myself and in others -- how could I obtain any
other answer than that my life was senseless and an evil? ... Itwas both senseless and evil.
The life of the world endures by someone's will -- by the lifeof the whole world and by our lives someone fulfills his purpose.
To hope to understand the meaning of that will one must firstperform it by doing what is wanted of us. But if I will not do
what is wanted of me, I shall never understand what is wanted ofme, and still less what is wanted of us all and of the whole world.
If a naked, hungry beggar has been taken from the cross-roads,brought into a building belonging to a beautiful establishment,
fed, supplied with drink, and obliged to move a handle up and down,evidently, before discussing why he was taken, why he should move
the handle, and whether the whole establishment is reasonablyarranged -- the begger should first of all move the handle. If he
moves the handle he will understand that it works a pump, that thepump draws water and that the water irrigates the garden beds; then
he will be taken from the pumping station to another place where hewill gather fruits and will enter into the joy of his master, and,
passing from lower to higher work, will understand more and more ofthe arrangements of the establishment, and taking part in it will
never think of asking why he is there, and will certainly notreproach the master.
So those who do his will, the simple, unlearned working folk,whom we regard as cattle, do not reproach the master; but we, the
wise, eat the master's food but do not do what the master wishes,and instead of doing it sit in a circle and discuss: "Why should
that handle be moved? Isn't it stupid?" So we have decided. Wehave decided that the master is stupid, or does not exist, and that
we are wise, only we feel that we are quite useless and that wemust somehow do away with ourselves.
XII The consciousness of the error in reasonable knowledge helped
me to free myself from the temptation of idle ratiocination. theconviction that knowledge of truth can only be found by living led
me to doubt the rightness of my life; but I was saved only by thefact that I was able to tear myself from my exclusiveness and to
see the real life of the plain working people, and to understandthat it alone is real life. I understood that if I wish to
understand life and its meaning, I must not live the life of aparasite, but must live a real life, and -- taking the meaning
given to live by real humanity and merging myself in that life --verify it.
During that time this is what happened to me. During thatwhole year, when I was asking myself almost every moment whether I
should not end matters with a noose or a bullet -- all that time,together with the course of thought and observation about which I
have spoken, my heart was oppressed with a painful feeling, whichI can only describe as a search for God.
I say that that search for God was not reasoning, but afeeling, because that search proceeded not from the course of my
thoughts -- it was even directly contrary to them -- but proceededfrom the heart. It was a feeling of fear, orphanage, isolation in
a strange land, and a hope of help from someone. Though I was quite convinced of the impossibility of proving
the existence of a Deity (Kant had shown, and I quite understoodhim, that it could not be proved), I yet sought for god, hoped that
I should find Him, and from old habit addressed prayers to thatwhich I sought but had not found. I went over in my mind the
arguments of Kant and Schopenhauer showing the impossibility ofproving the existence of a God, and I began to verify those
arguments and to refute them. Cause, said I to myself, is not acategory of thought such as are Time and Space. If I exist, there
must be some cause for it, and a cause of causes. And that firstcause of all is what men have called "God". And I paused on that
thought, and tried with all my being to recognize the presence ofthat cause. And as soon as I acknowledged that there is a force in
whose power I am, I at once felt that I could live. But I askedmyself: What is that cause, that force? How am I to think of it?
What are my relations to that which I call "God"? And only thefamiliar replies occurred to me: "He is the Creator and
Preserver." This reply did not satisfy me, and I felt I was losingwithin me what I needed for my life. I became terrified and began
to pray to Him whom I sought, that He should help me. But the moreI prayed the more apparent it became to me that He did not hear me,
and that there was no one to whom to address myself. And withdespair in my heart that there is no God at all, I said: "Lord,
have mercy, save me! Lord, teach me!" But no one had mercy on me,and I felt that my life was coming to a standstill.
But again and again, from various sides, I returned to thesame conclusion that I could not have come into the world without
any cause or reason or meaning; I could not be such a fledglingfallen from its nest as I felt myself to be. Or, granting that I
be such, lying on my back crying in the high grass, even then I crybecause I know that a mother has borne me within her, has hatched
me, warmed me, fed me, and loved me. Where is she -- that mother? If I have been deserted, who has deserted me? I cannot hide from
myself that someone bored me, loving me. Who was that someone? Again "God"? He knows and sees my searching, my despair, and my
struggle." "He exists," said I to myself. And I had only for an instant
to admit that, and at once life rose within me, and I felt thepossibility and joy of being. But again, from the admission of the
existence of a God I went on to seek my relation with Him; andagain I imagined *that* God -- our Creator in Three Persons who
sent His Son, the Saviour -- and again *that* God, detached fromthe world and from me, melted like a block of ice, melted before my
eyes, and again nothing remained, and again the spring of lifedried up within me, and I despaired and felt that I had nothing to
do but to kill myself. And the worst of all was, that I felt Icould not do it.
Not twice or three times, but tens and hundreds of times, Ireached those conditions, first of joy and animation, and then of
despair and consciousness of the impossibility of living. I remember that it was in early spring: I was alone in the
wood listening to its sounds. I listened and thought ever of thesame thing, as I had constantly done during those last three years.
I was again seeking God. "Very well, there is no God," said I to myself; "there is no
one who is not my imagination but a reality like my whole life. He does not exist, and no miracles can prove His existence, because
the miracles would be my imagination, besides being irrational. "But my *perception* of God, of Him whom I seek," I asked
myself, "where has that perception come from?" And again at thisthought the glad waves of life rose within me. All that was around
me came to life and received a meaning. But my joy did not lastlong. My mind continued its work.
"The conception of God is not God," said I to myself. "Theconception is what takes place within me. The conception of God is
something I can evoke or can refrain from evoking in myself. Thatis not what I seek. I seek that without which there can be no
life." And again all around me and within me began to die, andagain I wished to kill myself.
But then I turned my gaze upon myself, on what went on withinme, and I remembered all those cessations of life and reanimations
that recurred within me hundreds of times. I remembered that Ionly lived at those times when I believed in God. As it was
before, so it was now; I need only be aware of God to live; I needonly forget Him, or disbelieve Him, and I died.
What is this animation and dying? I do not live when I losebelief in the existence of God. I should long ago have killed
myself had I not had a dim hope of finding Him. I live, reallylive, only when I feel Him and seek Him. "What more do you seek?"
exclaimed a voice within me. "This is He. He is that withoutwhich one cannot live. To know God and to live is one and the same
thing. God is life." "Live seeking God, and then you will not live without God."
And more than ever before, all within me and around me lit up, andthe light did not again abandon me.
And I was saved from suicide. When and how this changeoccurred I could not say. As imperceptibly and gradually the force
- accord [ə´kɔ:d]
n.&vi.符合 vt.给与 (初中英语单词) - therefore [´ðeəfɔ:] ad.&conj.因此；所以 (初中英语单词)
- everyone [´evriwʌn] pron.=everybody 每人 (初中英语单词)
- evident [´evidənt] a.明显的，明白的 (初中英语单词)
- perish [´periʃ] v.灭亡；消灭；(使)死去 (初中英语单词)
- evidently [´evidəntli] ad.明显地 (初中英语单词)
- firmly [´fə:mli] ad.坚固地，稳定地 (初中英语单词)
- reasonable [´rizənəbəl] a.合理的；有理智的 (初中英语单词)
- obtain [əb´tein] v.获得；买到；得到承认 (初中英语单词)
- beggar [´begə] n.乞丐 (初中英语单词)
- establishment [i´stæbliʃmənt] n.建(成)立；研究所 (初中英语单词)
- working [´wə:kiŋ] a.工人的；劳动的 (初中英语单词)
- circle [´sə:kəl] n.圆圈 v.环绕；盘旋 (初中英语单词)
- stupid [´stju:pid] a.愚蠢的；糊涂的 (初中英语单词)
- useless [´ju:sləs] a.无用的，无价值的 (初中英语单词)
- humanity [hju:´mæniti] n.人类；人性；仁慈 (初中英语单词)
- bullet [´bulit] n.子弹 (初中英语单词)
- observation [,ɔbzə´veiʃən] n.观测；注意；意义 (初中英语单词)
- spoken [´spəukən] speak的过去分词 (初中英语单词)
- contrary [´kɔntrəri] a.相反的 n.相反 (初中英语单词)
- existence [ig´zistəns] n.存在；生存；生活 (初中英语单词)
- apparent [ə´pærənt] a.显然的；表面上的 (初中英语单词)
- conclusion [kən´klu:ʒən] n.结束；结论；推论 (初中英语单词)
- despair [di´speə] vi.&n.绝望 (初中英语单词)
- admission [əd´miʃən] n.接纳；承认 (初中英语单词)
- constantly [´kɔnstəntli] ad.经常地；不断地 (初中英语单词)
- imagination [i,mædʒi´neiʃən] n.想象(力) (初中英语单词)
- reality [ri´æliti] n.现实(性)；真实；逼真 (初中英语单词)
- abandon [ə´bændən] vt.抛弃，放弃，离弃 (初中英语单词)
- hopeless [´həupləs] a.无望的，无可救药的 (高中英语单词)
- perfectly [´pə:fiktli] ad.理想地；完美地 (高中英语单词)
- assurance [ə´ʃuərəns] n.保证；自信；信任 (高中英语单词)
- reproach [ri´prəutʃ] vt.&n.责备；指责；耻辱 (高中英语单词)
- decided [di´saidid] a.明显的；决定的 (高中英语单词)
- consciousness [´kɔnʃəsnis] n.意识；觉悟；知觉 (高中英语单词)
- temptation [temp´teiʃən] n.引诱，诱惑(物) (高中英语单词)
- painful [´peinfəl] a.痛(苦)的；费力的 (高中英语单词)
- reasoning [´ri:zəniŋ] n.推理，评理 a.推理的 (高中英语单词)
- loving [´lʌviŋ] a.爱的，有爱情的 (高中英语单词)
- conception [kən´sepʃən] n.构思；概念；怀孕 (高中英语单词)
- refrain [ri´frein] v.抑制；忍住 n.迭句 (高中英语单词)
- finding [´faindiŋ] n.发现物；判断；结果 (高中英语单词)
- suicide [´su:isaid, ´sju:-] n.&a.自杀(者)(的) (高中英语单词)
- absurdity [əb´sə:diti] n.荒谬，愚蠢；谬论 (英语四级单词)
- senseless [´sensləs] a.无知觉的；愚蠢的 (英语四级单词)
- verify [´verifai] vt.检验；查对；证明 (英语四级单词)
- creator [kri:´eitə] n.创造者；设立者 (英语四级单词)
- saviour [´seiviə] n.救星；救助者 (英语四级单词)
- perception [pə´sepʃən] n.感觉；概念；理解力 (英语四级单词)
- gratification [,grætifi´keiʃən] n.满意；喜悦 (英语六级单词)
- drunkard [´drʌŋkəd] n.醉汉；酒鬼 (英语六级单词)
- applied [ə´plaid] a.实用的，应用的 (英语六级单词)
- madman [´mædmən] n.疯子；狂人 (英语六级单词)
- assured [ə´ʃuəd] a.确实的 n.被保险人 (英语六级单词)
- parasite [´pærəsait] n.寄生动(植)物；食客 (英语六级单词)
- taking [´teikiŋ] a.迷人的 n.捕获物 (英语六级单词)
- isolation [,aisə´leiʃən] n.隔离，孤立 (英语六级单词)
- impossibility [impɔsi´biliti] n.不可能办到的事 (英语六级单词)
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