Farewell and good luck be yours! Let us begin by handing over
all this gear to the care of our servants, for no place is less safe
than a theatre; there is always a crowd of
thieves prowling around it,
seeking to find some
mischief to do. Come, keep a good watch over
all this. As for ourselves, let us explain to the spectators what we
have in our minds, the purpose of our play.
(The CHORUS turns and faces the audience.)
Undoubtedly the comic poet who mounted the stage to praise himself
in the parabasis would
deserve to be handed over to the sticks or
the beadles. Nevertheless, oh Muse, if it be right to
esteem the
most honest and
illustrious of our comic writers at his proper
value, permit our poet to say that he thinks he has
deserved a
gloriousrenown. First of all, he is the one who has compelled his
rivals no longer to scoff at rags or to war with lice; and as for
those Heracleses, always chewing and ever hungry, he was the first
to cover them with
ridicule and to chase them from the stage; he has
also dismissed that slave, whom one never failed to set
weeping before
you, so that his comrade might have the chance of jeering at his
stripes and might ask, "Wretch, what has happened to your hide? Has
the lash rained an army of its thongs on you and laid your back
waste?" After having delivered us from all these wearisome ineptitudes
and these low buffooneries, he has built up for us a great art, like a
palace with high towers, constructed of fine phrases, great thoughts
and of jokes not common on the streets. Moreover it's not obscure
private persons or women that he stages in his comedies; but, bold
as Heracles, it's the very greatest whom he attacks, undeterred by the
fetid stink of leather or the threats of hearts of mud. He has the
right to say, "I am the first ever dared to go straight for that beast
with the sharp teeth and the terrible eyes that flashed lambent fire
like those of Cynna, surrounded by a hundred lewd flatterers, who
spittle-licked him to his heart's content; it had a voice like a
roaring
torrent, the stench of a seal, the unwashed balls of a Lamia
and the arse of a camel. I did not
recoil in
horror at the sight of
such a
monster, but fought him relentlessly to win your deliverance
and that of the islanders." Such are the services which should be
graven in your
recollection and
entitle me to your thanks. Yet I
have not been seen frequenting the wrestling school intoxicated with
success and
trying to seduce young boys; but I took all my
theatrical gear and returned straight home. I pained folk but little
and caused them much
amusement; my
conscience rebuked me for
nothing. (More and more rapidly from here on) Hence both grown men and
youths should be on my side and I
likewise invite the bald to give
me their votes; for, if I
triumph,
everyone will say, both at table
and at festivals, "Carry this to the bald man, give these cakes to the
bald one, do not
grudge the poet whose
talent shines as bright as
his own bare skull the share he
deserves."
FIRST SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
Oh, Muse! drive the war far from our city and come to
preside over
our dances, if you love me; come and
celebrate the nuptials of the
gods, the banquets of us mortals and the festivals of the fortunate;
these are the themes that
inspire thy most
poetic songs. And should
Carcinus come to beg thee for
admission with his sons to thy
chorus,
refuse all
traffic with them; remember they are but gelded birds,
stork-necked dancers, mannikins about as tall as a goat's turd, in
fact machine-made poets. Contrary to all
expectation, the father has
at last managed to finish a piece, but he admits that a cat
strangled it one fine evening.
SECOND SEMI-CHORUS (singing)
Such are the songs with which the Muse with the
glorious hair
inspires the able poet and which
enchant the assembled populace,
when the spring
swallow twitters beneath the
foliage; but the god
spare us from the
chorus of Morsimus and that of Melanthius! Oh!
what a bitter discordancy grated upon my ears that day when the tragic
chorus was directed by this same Melanthius and his brother, these two
Gorgons, these two Harpies, the
plague of the seas, whose gluttonous
bellies
devour the entire race of fishes, these followers of old
women, these goats with their stinking arm-pits. Oh! Muse, spit upon
them abundantly and keep the feast gaily with me.
(TRYGAEUS enters, limping
painfully, accompanied by OPORA and
THEORIA.)
TRYGAEUS
Ah! it's a rough job getting to the gods! my legs are as good as
broken through it. (To the audience) How small you were, to be sure,
when seen from heaven! you had all the appearance too of being great
rascals; but seen close, you look even worse.
SERVANT (coming out of TRYGAEUS' house)
Is that you, master?
TRYGAEUS
So I've been told.
SERVANT
What has happened to you?
TRYGAEUS
My legs pain me; it was such a
damned long journey.
SERVANT
Oh! tell me....
TRYGAEUS
What?
SERVANT
Did you see any other man besides yourself strolling about in
heaven;
TRYGAEUS
No, only the souls of two or three dithyrambic poets.
SERVANT
What were they doing up there?
TRYGAEUS
They were seeking to catch some lyric exordia as they flew by
immersed in the billows of the air.
SERVANT
Is it true, what they tell us, that men are turned into stars
after death?
TRYGAEUS
Quite true.
SERVANT
Then what star has Ion of Chios turned into?
TRYGAEUS
The Morning Star, the one he wrote a poem about; as soon as he got
up there,
everyone called him the Morning Star.
SERVANT
And those stars like sparks, that
plough up the air as they dart
across the sky.
TRYGAEUS
They are the rich leaving the feast with a
lantern and a light
inside it.-But hurry up, show this young girl into my house, (pointing
to OPORA) clean out the bath, heat some water and prepare the
nuptial couch for herself and me. When that's done, come back here;
meanwhile I am off to present this other one to the Senate.
SERVANT
But where then did you get these girls?
TRYGAEUS
Where? why in heaven.
SERVANT
I would not give more than an obolus for gods who have got to
keeping brothels like us mere mortals.
TRYGAEUS
They are not all like that, but there are some up there too who
live by this trade.
SERVANT
Come, that's rich! But tell me, shall I give her something to eat?
TRYGAEUS
No, for she would touch neither bread nor cake; she is used to
licking ambrosia at the table of the gods.
SERVANT
Well, we can give her something to lick down here too.
(He takes OPORA into the house.)
CHORUS (singing)
Here is a truly happy old man, as far as I can judge.
TRYGAEUS (singing)
Ah! but what shall I be, when you see me
presently dressed for the
wedding?
CHORUS (singing)
Made young again by love and scented with perfumes, your lot
will be one we all shall envy.
TRYGAEUS (singing)
And when I lie beside her and fondle her breasts?
CHORUS (singing)
Oh! then you will be happier than those spinning-tops who call
Carcinus their father.
TRYGAEUS (singing)
And I well
deserve it; have I not bestridden a
beetle to save
the Greeks, who now, thanks to me, can make love at their ease and
sleep
peacefully on their farms?
SERVANT (returning from the house)
The girl has quitted the bath; she is
charming from head to
foot, belly and buttocks too; the cake is baked and they are
kneading the sesame-biscuit; nothing is
lacking but the bridegroom's
tool.
TRYGAEUS
Let us first
hasten to lodge Theoria in the hands of the Senate.
SERVANT
Tell me, who is this woman?
TRYGAEUS
Why, it's Theoria, with whom we used
formerly to go to Brauron, to
get tipsy and frolic-I had the greatest trouble to get hold of her.
SERVANT
Ah! you charmer! what pleasure your pretty bottom will afford me
every four years!
TRYGAEUS (to the audience)
Let's see, which one of you is steady enough to be trusted by
the Senate with the care of this
charming wench? (to the SERVANT)
Hi! you, friend! what are you
drawing there?
SERVANT (who has been making signs in the air)
It's er.... well, at the Isthmian Games I shall have a tent for my
tool.
TRYGAEUS (to the audience)
Come, who wishes to take the
charge of her? No one? Come, Theoria,
I am going to lead you into the midst of the spectators and confide
you to their care.
SERVANT
Ah! there is one who makes a sign to you.
TRYGAEUS
Who is it?
SERVANT
It's Ariphrades. He wishes to take her home at once.
TRYGAEUS
No, he must not. He would soon have her done for, absorbing all
her life-force. Come, Theoria, take off all these clothes. (THEORIA
undresses. As soon as she is nude, TRYGAEUS conducts her to the
front row of seats, where the SENATORS sit.) Senate, Prytanes, gaze
upon Theoria and see what precious blessings I place in your hands.
Hasten to raise its limbs and to immolate the
victim. And look at this
chimney.
SERVANT
God, what a beautiful one! It's black with smoke because the
Senate used to do its cooking there before the war.
TRYGAEUS
Now that you have found Theoria again, you can start the most
charming games from to-morrow, wrestling with her on the ground, on
all fours, or you can lay her on her side, or stand before her with
bent knees, or, well rubbed with oil, you can
boldly enter the
lists, as in the Pancratium, belabouring your foe with blows from your
fist or something else. The next day you will
celebrate equestrian