hear!' 'Well, I don't mind,' says Giglio, louder still. The
King and Queen luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was a little
deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and,
besides, made such a
dreadful noise, hobgobbling in eating it,
that he heard nothing else. After dinner, His Majesty and the
Queen went to sleep in their arm-chairs.
This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo,
plying that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira,
champagne, marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which
Master Bulbo drank without stint. But in plying his guest,
Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took
more than was good for him, so that the young men were very
noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after
dinner; and
dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my
darlings, you shall hear!
Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and
singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when
the
footman brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked
absurdly, and fell asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty
pig! But as he lay there stretched on the pink satin sofa,
Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most beautiful of
human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused
this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young
woman who has thought a silly fellow
charming?
Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too,
every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most
outrageous compliments to her:--There never was such a
darling--Older than he was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry
her--he would have nothing but her!
To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful
hussy
actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, 'This is
to give notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of
Paflagonia,
hereby promise to marry the
charming and virtuous
Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late
Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.'
'What is it you are
writing, you
charming Gruffy?' says Giglio,
who was lolling on the sofa, by the
writing-table.
'Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and
blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and
Queen are both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do.'
So Giglio, who was very
good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed
the order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you
may fancy what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce
out of the room before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife
of the RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! She would not speak to
Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for depriving her DEAR
HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles came, and she had helped
to
undress the Queen and Princess, she went into her own room,
and
actuallypracticed on a sheet of paper, 'Griselda
Paflagonia,' 'Barbara Regina,' 'Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.,' and
I don't know what signatures besides, against the day when she
should be Queen, forsooth!
IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN
Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and
the Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented
Betsinda. 'Betsinda!' she said, 'you dressed my hair very nicely
today; I promised you a little present. Here are five sh--no,
here is a pretty little ring, that I picked-- that I have had
some time.' And she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in
the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly.
'It's like the ring the Princess used to wear,' says the maid.
'No such thing,' says Gruffanuff, 'I have had it this ever so
long. There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a
very cold night (the snow was
beating in at the window), you may
go and warm dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then
you may unrip my green silk, and then you can just do me up a
little cap for the morning, and then you can mend that hole in my
silk
stocking, and then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I
shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the morning.'
'I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds,
Ma'am,' says Betsinda.
Gruffanuff, for reply, said, 'Hau-au-ho!--Grauhawhoo!--Hong-
hrho!' In fact, she was snoring sound asleep.
Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the
Princess is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the
coals to the kitchen, and filled the royal
warming-pan.
Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there
must have been something very captivating about her this evening,
for all the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse
her. The
housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the
upper-housemaid asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and
ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there was a
woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that
she never could see anything in that creetur: but as for the
men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and
Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up, and
said--
'My eyes!' }
'O mussey!' } 'What a pretty girl Betsinda is!'
'O jemmany!' }
'O ciel!' }
'Hands off; none of your impertinence, you
vulgar, low people!'
says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the
young gentlemen playing at billiards as she went
upstairs: first
to Prince Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince
Bulbo's room.
He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, 'O!
O! O! O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You
angel--you peri--you
rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo,
too! Fly to the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young
gazelle to glad me with its dark blue eye that had eyes like
shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take this young heart. A
truer never did itself
sustain within a soldier's
waistcoat. Be
mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father
will
approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired
Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more.'
'Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please,' said
Betsinda, with the
warming-pan.
But Bulbo said, 'No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou
lovely, blushing chambermaid
divine! Here, at thy feet, the
Royal Bulbo lies, the trembling
captive of Betsinda's eyes.'
And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that
Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the
warming-pan, which, I promise you, made him cry 'O-o-o-o!' in a
very different manner.
Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him
from the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon
as he saw what was
taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on
Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and
went on kicking him till his hair was quite out of curl.
Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the
kicking certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so
droll! When Giglio had done knocking him up and down to the
ground, and
whilst he went into a corner rubbing himself, what do
you think Giglio does? He goes down on his own knees to
Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and
offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who
had been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in
the palace garden, when she was quite a little child.
'Oh,
divine Betsinda!' says the Prince, 'how have I lived fifteen
years in thy company without
seeing thy perfections? What woman
in all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only
it is not yet discovered, can
presume to be thy equal? Angelica?
Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my
Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because thou art really
angelic.'
'Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid,' says Betsinda,
looking, however, very much pleased.
'Didst thou not tend me in my
sickness, when all
forsook me?'
continues Giglio. 'Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and
bring me jelly and roast chicken?'
'Yes, dear Prince, I did,' says Betsinda, 'and I sewed Your Royal
Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal
Highness,' cries this artless maiden.
When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda,
heard this
declaration, when he saw the
unmistakable glances
which she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry
bitterly, and
tore quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered the
room like so much tow.
Betsinda had left the
warming-pan on the floor while the
princes
were going on with their conversation, and as they began now to
quarrel and be very
fierce with one another, she thought proper
to run away.
'You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner
there; of course you will give me
satisfaction for insulting
Betsinda. YOU dare to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and
kiss her hand!'
'She's not Princess Giglio!' roars out Bulbo. 'She shall be
Princess Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo.'
'You are engaged to my cousin!' bellows out Giglio. 'I hate your
cousin,' says Bulbo.
'You shall give me
satisfaction for insulting her!' cries Giglio
in a fury.
'I'll have your life.'
'I'll run you through.'
'I'll cut your throat.'
'I'll blow your brains out.'
'I'll knock your head off.'
'I'll send a friend to you in the morning.'
'I'll send a
bullet into you in the afternoon.'
'We'll meet again,' says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's
face; and seizing up the
warming-pan, he kissed it, because,
forsooth, Betsinda had carried it, and rushed
downstairs. What
should he see on the
landing but His Majesty talking to Betsinda,
whom he called by all sorts of fond names. His Majesty had heard
a row in the building, so he stated, and smelling something
burning, had come out to see what the matter was.
'It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,' says Betsinda.
'Charming chambermaid,' says the King (like all the rest of
them), 'never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged
autocrat, who has been considered not ill-looking in his time.'
'Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?' cries Betsinda.
'Her Majesty!' laughs the
monarch. 'Her Majesty be hanged. Am I
not Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes,
hangmen--ha? Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not
sacks to sew up wives
withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt
be mine own,--your
mistressstraightway in a sack is sewn, and
thou the sharer of my heart and throne.'
When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the
respect usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the
warming-pan, and
knocked down the King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master
Giglio took to his heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off
screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came
out of their rooms. Fancy their feelings on beholding their
husband, father,
sovereign, in this posture!
X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION
As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself
and stood up. 'Ho! my captain of the guards!' His Majesty
exclaimed, stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous
spectacle! the King's nose was bent quite
crooked by the blow of
Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground his teeth with rage.