LORD CAVERSHAM. You seem to me to be living entirely for pleasure.
LORD GORING. What else is there to live for, father? Nothing ages
like happiness.
LORD CAVERSHAM. You are heartless, sir, very heartless!
LORD GORING. I hope not, father. Good evening, Lady Basildon!
LADY BASILDON. [Arching two pretty eyebrows.] Are you here? I had
no idea you ever came to political parties!
LORD GORING. I adore political parties. They are the only place
left to us where people don't talk
politics.
LADY BASILDON. I delight in talking
politics. I talk them all day
long. But I can't bear listening to them. I don't know how the
unfortunate men in the House stand these long debates.
LORD GORING. By never listening.
LADY BASILDON. Really?
LORD GORING. [In his most serious manner.] Of course. You see, it
is a very dangerous thing to listen. If one listens one may be
convinced; and a man who allows himself to be convinced by an
argument is a
thoroughlyunreasonable person.
LADY BASILDON. Ah! that accounts for so much in men that I have
never understood, and so much in women that their husbands never
appreciate in them!
MRS. MARCHMONT. [With a sigh.] Our husbands never appreciate
anything in us. We have to go to others for that!
LADY BASILDON. [Emphatically.] Yes, always to others, have we not?
LORD GORING. [Smiling.] And those are the views of the two ladies
who are known to have the most
admirable husbands in London.
MRS. MARCHMONT. That is exactly what we can't stand. My Reginald is
quite
hopelesslyfaultless. He is really unendurably so, at times!
There is not the smallest element of
excitement in
knowing him.
LORD GORING. How terrible! Really, the thing should be more widely
known!
LADY BASILDON. Basildon is quite as bad; he is as
domestic as if he
was a bachelor.
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Pressing LADY BASILDON'S hand.] My poor Olivia!
We have married perfect husbands, and we are well punished for it.
LORD GORING. I should have thought it was the husbands who were
punished.
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Drawing herself up.] Oh, dear no! They are as
happy as possible! And as for
trusting us, it is
tragic how much
they trust us.
LADY BASILDON. Perfectly
tragic!
LORD GORING. Or comic, Lady Basildon?
LADY BASILDON. Certainly not comic, Lord Goring. How
unkind of you
to suggest such a thing!
MRS. MARCHMONT. I am afraid Lord Goring is in the camp of the enemy,
as usual. I saw him talking to that Mrs. Cheveley when he came in.
LORD GORING. Handsome woman, Mrs. Cheveley!
LADY BASILDON. [Stiffly.] Please don't praise other women in our
presence. You might wait for us to do that!
LORD GORING. I did wait.
MRS. MARCHMONT. Well, we are not going to praise her. I hear she
went to the Opera on Monday night, and told Tommy Rufford at supper
that, as far as she could see, London Society was entirely made up of
dowdies and dandies.
LORD GORING. She is quite right, too. The men are all dowdies and
the women are all dandies, aren't they?
MRS. MARCHMONT. [After a pause.] Oh! do you really think that is
what Mrs. Cheveley meant?
LORD GORING. Of course. And a very
sensible remark for Mrs.
Cheveley to make, too.
[Enter MABEL CHILTERN. She joins the group.]
MABEL CHILTERN. Why are you talking about Mrs. Cheveley? Everybody
is talking about Mrs. Cheveley! Lord Goring says - what did you say,
Lord Goring, about Mrs. Cheveley? Oh! I remember, that she was a
genius in the
daytime and a beauty at night.
LADY BASILDON. What a
horrid combination! So very unnatural!
MRS. MARCHMONT. [In her most
dreamy manner.] I like looking at
geniuses, and listening to beautiful people.
LORD GORING. Ah! that is morbid of you, Mrs. Marchmont!
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Brightening to a look of real pleasure.] I am to
glad to hear you say that. Marchmont and I have been married for
seven years, and he has never once told me that I was morbid. Men
are so
painfully unobservant!
LADY BASILDON. [Turning to her.] I have always said, dear Margaret,
that you were the most morbid person in London.
MRS. MARCHMONT. Ah! but you are always
sympathetic, Olivia!
MABEL CHILTERN. Is it morbid to have a desire for food? I have a
great desire for food. Lord Goring, will you give me some supper?
LORD GORING. With pleasure, Miss Mabel. [Moves away with her.]
MABEL CHILTERN. How
horrid you have been! You have never talked to
me the whole evening!
LORD GORING. How could I? You went away with the child-diplomatist.
MABEL CHILTERN. You might have followed us. Pursuit would have been
only
polite. I don't think I like you at all this evening!
LORD GORING. I like you immensely.
MABEL CHILTERN. Well, I wish you'd show it in a more marked way!
[They go
downstairs.]
MRS. MARCHMONT. Olivia, I have a curious feeling of absolute
faintness. I think I should like some supper very much. I know I
should like some supper.
LADY BASILDON. I am
positively dying for supper, Margaret!
MRS. MARCHMONT. Men are so
horriblyselfish, they never think of
these things.
LADY BASILDON. Men are grossly material, grossly material!
[The VICOMTE DE NANJAC enters from the music-room with some other
guests. After having carefully examined all the people present, he
approaches LADY BASILDON.]
VICOMTE DE NANJAC. May I have the honour of
taking you down to
supper, Comtesse?
LADY BASILDON. [Coldly.] I never take supper, thank you, Vicomte.
[The VICOMTE is about to
retire. LADY BASILDON,
seeing this, rises
at once and takes his arm.] But I will come down with you with
pleasure.
VICOMTE DE NANJAC. I am so fond of eating! I am very English in all
my tastes.
LADY BASILDON. You look quite English, Vicomte, quite English.
[They pass out. MR. MONTFORD, a
perfectly groomed young dandy,
approaches MRS. MARCHMONT.]
MR. MONTFORD. Like some supper, Mrs. Marchmont?
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Languidly.] Thank you, Mr. Montford, I never touch
supper. [Rises
hastily and takes his arm.] But I will sit beside
you, and watch you.
MR. MONTFORD. I don't know that I like being watched when I am
eating!
MRS. MARCHMONT. Then I will watch some one else.
MR. MONTFORD. I don't know that I should like that either.
MRS. MARCHMONT. [Severely.] Pray, Mr. Montford, do not make these
painful scenes of
jealousy in public!
[They go
downstairs with the other guests, passing SIR ROBERT
CHILTERN and MRS. CHEVELEY, who now enter.]
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. And are you going to any of our country houses
before you leave England, Mrs. Cheveley?
MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, no! I can't stand your English house-parties.
In England people
actually try to be
brilliant at breakfast. That is
so
dreadful of them! Only dull people are
brilliant at breakfast.
And then the family
skeleton is always
reading family prayers. My
stay in England really depends on you, Sir Robert. [Sits down on the
sofa.]
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Taking a seat beside her.] Seriously?
MRS. CHEVELEY. Quite
seriously. I want to talk to you about a great
political and
financialscheme, about this Argentine Canal Company,
in fact.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. What a
tedious, practical subject for you to
talk about, Mrs. Cheveley!
MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, I like
tedious, practical subjects. What I don't
like are
tedious, practical people. There is a wide difference.
Besides, you are interested, I know, in International Canal
schemes.
You were Lord Radley's secretary, weren't you, when the Government
bought the Suez Canal shares?
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Yes. But the Suez Canal was a very great and
splendid under
taking. It gave us our direct route to India. It had
imperial value. It was necessary that we should have control. This
Argentine
scheme is a
commonplace Stock Exchange swindle.
MRS. CHEVELEY. A
speculation, Sir Robert! A
brilliant, daring
speculation.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Believe me, Mrs. Cheveley, it is a swindle.
Let us call things by their proper names. It makes matters simpler.
We have all the information about it at the Foreign Office. In fact,
I sent out a special Commission to inquire into the matter privately,
and they report that the works are hardly begun, and as for the money
already subscribed, no one seems to know what has become of it. The
whole thing is a second Panama, and with not a quarter of the chance
of success that
miserable affair ever had. I hope you have not
invested in it. I am sure you are far too clever to have done that.
MRS. CHEVELEY. I have invested very largely in it.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Who could have advised you to do such a foolish
thing?
MRS. CHEVELEY. Your old friend - and mine.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Who?
MRS. CHEVELEY. Baron Arnheim.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Frowning.] Ah! yes. I remember
hearing, at
the time of his death, that he had been mixed up in the whole affair.
MRS. CHEVELEY. It was his last
romance. His last but one, to do him
justice.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Rising.] But you have not seen my Corots yet.
They are in the music-room. Corots seem to go with music, don't
they? May I show them to you?
MRS. CHEVELEY. [Shaking her head.] I am not in a mood to-night for
silver twilights, or rose-pink dawns. I want to talk business.
[Motions to him with her fan to sit down again beside her.]
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. I fear I have no advice to give you, Mrs.
Cheveley, except to interest yourself in something less dangerous.
The success of the Canal depends, of course, on the attitude of
England, and I am going to lay the report of the Commissioners before
the House to-morrow night.
MRS. CHEVELEY. That you must not do. In your own interests, Sir
Robert, to say nothing of mine, you must not do that.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Looking at her in wonder.] In my own
interests? My dear Mrs. Cheveley, what do you mean? [Sits down
beside her.]
MRS. CHEVELEY. Sir Robert, I will be quite frank with you. I want
you to
withdraw the report that you had intended to lay before the
House, on the ground that you have reasons to believe that the
Commissioners have been prejudiced or misinformed, or something.
Then I want you to say a few words to the effect that the Government
is going to reconsider the question, and that you have reason to
believe that the Canal, if completed, will be of great
internationalvalue. You know the sort of things ministers say in cases of this
kind. A few ordinary platitudes will do. In modern life nothing
produces such an effect as a good platitude. It makes the whole
world kin. Will you do that for me?
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Mrs. Cheveley, you cannot be serious in making
me such a proposition!
MRS. CHEVELEY. I am quite serious.
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. [Coldly.] Pray allow me to believe that you
are not.
MRS. CHEVELEY. [Speaking with great
deliberation and emphasis.] Ah!
but I am. And if you do what I ask you, I . . . will pay you very
handsomely!
SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Pay me!
MRS. CHEVELEY. Yes.