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LADY STUTFIELD. Yes; I see that. It is very, very helpful.
LADY HUNSTANTON. I don't know how the world would get on with such

a theory as that, dear Mrs. Allonby.
LADY STUTFIELD. Ah! The world was made for men and not for women.

MRS. ALLONBY. Oh, don't say that, Lady Stutfield. We have a much
better time than they have. There are far more things forbidden to

us than are forbidden to them.
LADY STUTFIELD. Yes; that is quite, quite true. I had not thought

of that.
[Enter SIR JOHN and MR. KELVIL.]

LADY HUNSTANTON. Well, Mr. Kelvil, have you got through your work?
KELVIL. I have finished my writing for the day, Lady Hunstanton.

It has been an arduous task. The demands on the time of a public
man are very heavy nowadays, very heavy indeed. And I don't think

they meet with adequate recognition.
LADY CAROLINE. John, have you got your overshoes on?

SIR JOHN. Yes, my love.
LADY CAROLINE. I think you had better come over here, John. It is

more sheltered.
SIR JOHN. I am quite comfortable, Caroline.

LADY CAROLINE. I think not, John. You had better sit beside me.
[SIR JOHN rises and goes across.]

LADY STUTFIELD. And what have you been writing about this morning,
Mr. Kelvil?

KELVIL. On the usual subject, Lady Stutfield. On Purity.
LADY STUTFIELD. That must be such a very, very interesting thing

to write about.
KELVIL. It is the one subject of really national importance,

nowadays, Lady Stutfield. I purpose addressing my constituents on
the question before Parliament meets. I find that the poorer

classes of this country display a marked desire for a higher
ethical standard.

LADY STUTFIELD. How quite, quite nice of them.
LADY CAROLINE. Are you in favour of women taking part in politics,

Mr. Kettle?
SIR JOHN. Kelvil, my love, Kelvil.

KELVIL. The growing influence of women is the one reassuring thing
in our political life, Lady Caroline. Women are always on the side

of morality, public and private.
LADY STUTFIELD. It is so very, very gratifying to hear you say

that.
LADY HUNSTANTON. Ah, yes! - the moral qualities in women - that is

the important thing. I am afraid, Caroline, that dear Lord
Illingworth doesn't value the moral qualities in women as much as

he should.
[Enter LORD ILLINGWORTH.]

LADY STUTFIELD. The world says that Lord Illingworth is very, very
wicked.

LORD ILLINGWORTH. But what world says that, Lady Stutfield? It
must be the next world. This world and I are on excellent terms.

[Sits down beside MRS. ALLONBY.]
LADY STUTFIELD. Every one I know says you are very, very wicked.

LORD ILLINGWORTH. It is perfectlymonstrous the way people go
about, nowadays, saying things against one behind one's back that

are absolutely and entirely true.
LADY HUNSTANTON. Dear Lord Illingworth is quite hopeless, Lady

Stutfield. I have given up trying to reform him. It would take a
Public Company with a Board of Directors and a paid Secretary to do

that. But you have the secretary already, Lord Illingworth,
haven't you? Gerald Arbuthnot has told us of his good fortune; it

is really most kind of you.
LORD ILLINGWORTH. Oh, don't say that, Lady Hunstanton. Kind is a

dreadful word. I took a great fancy to young Arbuthnot the moment
I met him, and he'll be of considerable use to me in something I am

foolish enough to think of doing.
LADY HUNSTANTON. He is an admirable young man. And his mother is

one of my dearest friends. He has just gone for a walk with our
pretty American. She is very pretty, is she not?

LADY CAROLINE. Far too pretty. These American girls carry off all
the good matches. Why can't they stay in their own country? They

are always telling us it is the Paradise of women.
LORD ILLINGWORTH. It is, Lady Caroline. That is why, like Eve,

they are so extremelyanxious to get out of it.
LADY CAROLINE. Who are Miss Worsley's parents?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. American women are wonderfully clever in
concealing their parents.

LADY HUNSTANTON. My dear Lord Illingworth, what do you mean? Miss
Worsley, Caroline, is an orphan. Her father was a very wealthy

millionaire or philanthropist, or both, I believe, who entertained
my son quite hospitably, when he visited Boston. I don't know how

he made his money, originally.
KELVIL. I fancy in American dry goods.

LADY HUNSTANTON. What are American dry goods?
LORD ILLINGWORTH. American novels.

LADY HUNSTANTON. How very singular! . . . Well, from whatever
source her large fortune came, I have a great esteem for Miss

Worsley. She dresses exceedingly well. All Americans do dress
well. They get their clothes in Paris.

MRS. ALLONBY. They say, Lady Hunstanton, that when good Americans
die they go to Paris.

LADY HUNSTANTON. Indeed? And when bad Americans die, where do
they go to?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. Oh, they go to America.
KELVIL. I am afraid you don't appreciate America, Lord

Illingworth. It is a very remarkable country, especially
considering its youth.

LORD ILLINGWORTH. The youth of America is their oldest tradition.
It has been going on now for three hundred years. To hear them

talk one would imagine they were in their first childhood. As far
as civilisation goes they are in their second.

KELVIL. There is undoubtedly a great deal of corruption in
American politics. I suppose you allude to that?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. I wonder.
LADY HUNSTANTON. Politics are in a sad way everywhere, I am told.

They certainly are in England. Dear Mr. Cardew is ruining the
country. I wonder Mrs. Cardew allows him. I am sure, Lord

Illingworth, you don't think that uneducated people should be
allowed to have votes?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. I think they are the only people who should.
KELVIL. Do you take no side then in modern politics, Lord

Illingworth?
LORD ILLINGWORTH. One should never take sides in anything, Mr.

Kelvil. Taking sides is the beginning of sincerity, and
earnestness follows shortly afterwards, and the human being becomes

a bore. However, the House of Commons really does very little
harm. You can't make people good by Act of Parliament, - that is

something.
KELVIL. You cannot deny that the House of Commons has always shown

great sympathy with the sufferings of the poor.
LORD ILLINGWORTH. That is its special vice. That is the special

vice of the age. One should sympathise with the joy, the beauty,
the colour of life. The less said about life's sores the better,

Mr. Kelvil.
KELVIL. Still our East End is a very important problem.

LORD ILLINGWORTH. Quite so. It is the problem of slavery. And we
are trying to solve it by amusing the slaves.

LADY HUNSTANTON. Certainly, a great deal may be done by means of
cheap entertainments, as you say, Lord Illingworth. Dear Dr.

Daubeny, our rector here, provides, with the assistance of his
curates, really admirable recreations for the poor during the

winter. And much good may be done by means of a magic lantern, or
a missionary, or some popular amusement of that kind.

LADY CAROLINE. I am not at all in favour of amusements for the
poor, Jane. Blankets and coals are sufficient. There is too much

love of pleasure amongst the upper classes as it is. Health is
what we want in modern life. The tone is not healthy, not healthy

at all.
KELVIL. You are quite right, Lady Caroline.

LADY CAROLINE. I believe I am usually right.
MRS. ALLONBY. Horrid word 'health.'

LORD ILLINGWORTH. Silliest word in our language, and one knows so
well the popular idea of health. The English country gentleman

galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the
uneatable.

KELVIL. May I ask, Lord Illingworth, if you regard the House of
Lords as a better institution than the House of Commons?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. A much better institution, of course. We in the
House of Lords are never in touch with public opinion. That makes

us a civilised body.
KELVIL. Are you serious in putting forward such a view?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. Quite serious, Mr. Kelvil. [To MRS. ALLONBY.]
Vulgar habit that is people have nowadays of asking one, after one

has given them an idea, whether one is serious or not. Nothing is
serious except passion. The intellect is not a serious thing, and

never has been. It is an instrument on which one plays, that is
all. The only serious form of intellect I know is the British

intellect. And on the British intellect the illiterates play the
drum.

LADY HUNSTANTON. What are you saying, Lord Illingworth, about the
drum?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. I was merely talking to Mrs. Allonby about the
leading articles in the London newspapers.

LADY HUNSTANTON. But do you believe all that is written in the
newspapers?

LORD ILLINGWORTH. I do. Nowadays it is only the unreadable that
occurs. [Rises with MRS. ALLONBY.]

LADY HUNSTANTON. Are you going, Mrs. Allonby?
MRS. ALLONBY. Just as far as the conservatory. Lord Illingworth

told me this morning that there was an orchid there m beautiful as
the seven deadly sins.

LADY HUNSTANTON. My dear, I hope there is nothing of the kind. I
will certainly speak to the gardener.

[Exit MRS. ALLONBY and LORD ILLINGWORTH.]
LADY CAROLINE. Remarkable type, Mrs. Allonby.

LADY HUNSTANTON. She lets her clever tongue run away with her
sometimes.

LADY CAROLINE. Is that the only thing, Jane, Mrs. Allonby allows
to run away with her?

LADY HUNSTANTON. I hope so, Caroline, I am sure.
[Enter LORD ALFRED.]

Dear Lord Alfred, do join us. [LORD ALFRED sits down beside LADY
STUTFIELD.]

LADY CAROLINE. You believe good of every one, Jane. It is a great
fault.

LADY STUTFIELD. Do you really, really think, Lady Caroline, that
one should believe evil of every one?

LADY CAROLINE. I think it is much safer to do so, Lady Stutfield.
Until, of course, people are found out to be good. But that

requires a great deal of investigation nowadays.
LADY STUTFIELD. But there is so much unkindscandal in modern

life.
LADY CAROLINE. Lord Illingworth remarked to me last night at

dinner that the basis of every scandal is an absolutely immoral
certainty.

KELVIL. Lord Illingworth is, of course, a very brilliant man, but
he seems to me to be lacking in that fine faith in the nobility and

purity of life which is so important in this century.
LADY STUTFIELD. Yes, quite, quite important, is it not?

KELVIL. He gives me the impression of a man who does not
appreciate the beauty of our English home-life. I would say that

he was tainted with foreign ideas on the subject.


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