for her too, for I have no reason to hate her neither; but I believe
I shall lead her a
damned sort of a life.
MRS FORE. He's better than no husband at all--though he's a
coxcomb. [To FRAIL.]
MRS FRAIL [to her]. Ay, ay, it's well it's no worse.--Nay, for my
part I always despised Mr Tattle of all things; nothing but his
being my husband could have made me like him less.
TATT. Look you there, I thought as much. Pox on't, I wish we could
keep it secret; why, I don't believe any of this company would speak
of it.
MRS FRAIL. But, my dear, that's impossible: the
parson and that
rogue Jeremy will publish it.
TATT. Ay, my dear, so they will, as you say.
ANG. Oh, you'll agree very well in a little time; custom will make
it easy to you.
TATT. Easy! Pox on't, I don't believe I shall sleep to-night.
SIR SAMP. Sleep, quotha! No; why, you would not sleep o' your
wedding-night? I'm an older fellow than you, and don't mean to
sleep.
BEN. Why, there's another match now, as thof a couple of privateers
were looking for a prize and should fall foul of one another. I'm
sorry for the young man with all my heart. Look you, friend, if I
may
advise you, when she's going--for that you must expect, I have
experience of her--when she's going, let her go. For no matrimony
is tough enough to hold her; and if she can't drag her
anchor along
with her, she'll break her cable, I can tell you that. Who's here?
The madman?
SCENE the Last.
VALENTINE, SCANDAL, SIR SAMPSON, ANGELICA, FORESIGHT, MRS FORESIGHT,
TATTLE, MRS FRAIL, BEN, JEREMY, BUCKRAM.
VAL. No; here's the fool, and if occasion be, I'll give it under my
hand.
SIR SAMP. How now?
VAL. Sir, I'm come to
acknowledge my errors, and ask your
pardon.
SIR SAMP. What, have you found your senses at last then? In good
time, sir.
VAL. You were abused, sir: I never was distracted.
FORE. How! Not mad! Mr Scandal -
SCAN. No, really, sir. I'm his
witness; it was all counterfeit.
VAL. I thought I had reasons--but it was a poor
contrivance, the
effect has shown it such.
SIR SAMP. Contrivance! What, to cheat me? to cheat your father?
Sirrah, could you hope to prosper?
VAL. Indeed, I thought, sir, when the father endeavoured to undo
the son, it was a
reasonable return of nature.
SIR SAMP. Very good, sir. Mr Buckram, are you ready? Come, sir,
will you sign and seal?
VAL. If you please, sir; but first I would ask this lady one
question.
SIR SAMP. Sir, you must ask me leave first. That lady? No, sir,
you shall ask that lady no questions till you have asked her
blessing, sir: that lady is to be my wife.
VAL. I have heard as much, sir; but I would have it from her own
mouth.
SIR SAMP. That's as much as to say I lie, sir, and you don't
believe what I say.
VAL. Pardon me, sir. But I
reflect that I very lately
counterfeited
madness; I don't know but the
frolic may go round.
SIR SAMP. Come, chuck, satisfy him, answer him. Come, come, Mr
Buckram, the pen and ink.
BUCK. Here it is, sir, with the deed; all is ready. [VALENTINE
goes to ANGELICA.]
ANG. 'Tis true, you have a great while
pretended love to me; nay,
what if you were
sincere? Still you must
pardon me if I think my
own inclinations have a better right to
dispose of my person than
yours.
SIR SAMP. Are you answered now, sir?
VAL. Yes, sir.
SIR SAMP. Where's your plot, sir? and your
contrivance now, sir?
Will you sign, sir? Come, will you sign and seal?
VAL. With all my heart, sir.
SCAN. 'Sdeath, you are not mad indeed, to ruin yourself?
VAL. I have been disappointed of my only hope, and he that loses
hope may part with anything. I never valued fortune but as it was
subservient to my pleasure, and my only pleasure was to please this
lady. I have made many vain attempts, and find at last that nothing
but my ruin can effect it; which, for that reason, I will sign to--
give me the paper.
ANG. Generous Valentine! [Aside.]
BUCK. Here is the deed, sir.
VAL. But where is the bond by which I am obliged to sign this?
BUCK. Sir Sampson, you have it.
ANG. No, I have it, and I'll use it as I would everything that is
an enemy to Valentine. [Tears the paper.]
SIR SAMP. How now?
VAL. Ha!
ANG. Had I the world to give you, it could not make me
worthy of so
generous and
faithful a
passion. Here's my hand: --my heart was
always yours, and struggled very hard to make this
utmost trial of
your
virtue. [To VALENTINE.]
VAL. Between pleasure and
amazement I am lost. But on my knees I
take the blessing.
SIR SAMP. Oons, what is the meaning of this?
BEN. Mess, here's the wind changed again. Father, you and I may
make a
voyage together now.
ANG. Well, Sir Sampson, since I have played you a trick, I'll
advise you how you may avoid such another. Learn to be a good
father, or you'll never get a second wife. I always loved your son,
and hated your unforgiving nature. I was
resolved to try him to the
utmost; I have tried you too, and know you both. You have not more
faults than he has
virtues, and 'tis hardly more pleasure to me that
I can make him and myself happy than that I can
punish you.
VAL. If my happiness could receive
addition, this kind surprise
would make it double.
SIR SAMP. Oons, you're a crocodile.
FORE. Really, Sir Sampson, this is a sudden eclipse.
SIR SAMP. You're an
illiterate old fool, and I'm another.
TATT. If the gentleman is in
disorder for want of a wife, I can
spare him mine.--Oh, are you there, sir? I'm
indebted to you for my
happiness. [To JEREMY.]
JERE. Sir, I ask you ten thousand
pardons: 'twas an errant
mistake. You see, sir, my master was never mad, nor anything like
it. Then how could it be otherwise?
VAL. Tattle, I thank you; you would have interposed between me and
heaven, but Providence laid purgatory in your way. You have but
justice.
SCAN. I hear the fiddles that Sir Sampson provided for his own
wedding;
methinks 'tis pity they should not be employed when the
match is so much mended. Valentine, though it be morning, we may
have a dance.
VAL. Anything, my friend, everything that looks like joy and
transport.
SCAN. Call 'em, Jeremy.
ANG. I have done dissembling now, Valentine; and if that coldness
which I have always worn before you should turn to an extreme
fondness, you must not
suspect it.
VAL. I'll prevent that
suspicion: for I intend to dote to that
immoderate degree that your
fondness shall never
distinguish itself
enough to be taken notice of. If ever you seem to love too much, it
must be only when I can't love enough.
ANG. Have a care of promises; you know you are apt to run more in
debt than you are able to pay.
VAL. Therefore I yield my body as your prisoner, and make your best
on't.
SCAN. The music stays for you. [Dance.]
SCAN. Well, madam, you have done exemplary justice in
punishing an
inhuman father and
rewarding a
faithful lover. But there is a third
good work which I, in particular, must thank you for: I was an
infidel to your sex, and you have converted me. For now I am
convinced that all women are not like fortune, blind in bestowing
favours, either on those who do not merit or who do not want 'em.
ANG. 'Tis an un
reasonableaccusation that you lay upon our sex:
you tax us with
injustice, only to cover your own want of merit.
You would all have the
reward of love, but few have the
constancy to
stay till it becomes your due. Men are generally hypocrites and
infidels: they
pretend to
worship, but have neither zeal nor faith.
How few, like Valentine, would persevere even to
martyrdom, and
sacrifice their interest to their
constancy! In admiring me, you
misplace the novelty.
The
miracle to-day is, that we find
A lover true; not that a woman's kind.
End